Hey, did you guys know that there was going to be another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? And that it's a live-action film adaptation set for release Christmas 2013, with Michael Bay on board as producer? Because I sure didn't. In fact, I'm pretty sure there was a Ninja Turtles movie that was released, like, yesterday. But that is neither here nor there. What is both here and there, however, is that according to Bay, in this version the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be represented as members of an alien race, a development that has prompted the internet to sputter with dweeby indignation.
According to Slashfilm, Bay announced he would be continuing "the rape of our childhood memories" (as one outraged fan classily put it) at last week's Nickelodeon Upfront event in New York City. At the event, Bay presented a preview of the storyboard of the upcoming Paramount Pictures release, with the following comments:
"When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable."
"Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world."
Phew. What a relief. 'Cause everyone knows what an expert Michael Bay is at rich world-building. We'll step aside and let you focus on realizing the intricacies of your artistic vision. Just one suggestion, though. If you're going to further piss off Ninja Turtle fans by enlisting a wonk-eyed, big-titted starlet to play April, might I suggest this young lady for your consideration: