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Nicolas Cage debunks vampire rumors, reveals extensively creepy vampire knowledge

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If someone were to ask me what movie star I thought never aged (and therefore must be a vampire), Nicolas Cage would not pop into my head. However, I am clearly wrong. Clearly, Cage is ageless, because clearly, Cage is a vampire. The rumor goes like this: an Ebay vendor recently put a Civil War-era portrait up for sale, and its uncanny resemblance to Nicolas Cage supposedly validates the theory. And so an internet craze was born. 

When I first heard the rumor, I was skeptical — I was on Cage's side, denying the preposterous assertion. Given that my understanding of the vampire kingdom is firmly rooted in True Blood, where being a vampire means being preternaturally sexy and fetishized (and also, unfortunately, means harboring inexplicable lust for Anna Paquin), the notion of Cage's vampirism seemed an affront.

But when Cage appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman (note that he chose the dark of the LATE Show over, say, the TODAY Show or GOOD MORNING Wherever), lifelessly claiming to be a living, breathing human being, his extensive knowledge of traditions of vampirism proved unsettling. In fact, they undermine his entire argument. He has to be vampire.

Or, you know, just a really weird dude.