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See the Darren Aronofsky-directed, J. Lo-starring Kohl’s ad you never asked for

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I wanted to give Kohl's points for an adventurous spirit when I read that Darren Aronofsky had directed Jennifer Lopez in a commercial for the department store, because I think it's a brave choice for a brand like that to associate itself in any way with insane bisexual ballerinas, desperate junkie sex shows, and Mickey Rourke. In fact, I envisioned a whole series of unexpected pairings for Kohl's future ad campaigns: David Lynch and Kelly Ripa, Harmony Korine and Justin Bieber, Lars von Trier and the horse from War Horse. If nothing else, it would cement the company's name in people's minds. (And nightmares.)

If you too were wondering what sort of visually engrossing but emotionally off-putting consumerist fantasia this collaboration would produce, and the possibilities going forward, let me rip off the Band-Aid right now and tell you that this commercial is severely underwhelming. I wasn't disturbed by an oppressive sense of the uncanny or scathing truth about human nature or visceral moment of body horror even once. And no, Lopez's clothing doesn't count:

If you're curious, Aronofsky's contribution was the seamless costume changes Lopez went through while dancing, which apparently utilized the same technology he put to such stunning use in Black Swan. I'm sure that's great from a technical point of view, but I can't help but see it as a wasted opportunity.