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Universal orders highly necessary reboot of The Mummy

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History fact: one of the first steps in the Egyptian mummification process was to remove the brain by hammering a chisel through your nose and pulling out the gray matter with a long hook. The Egyptians didn't care as much about preserving the brain (unlike the lungs, the liver, and the stomach) because they believed people wouldn't need it in the next life.

Universal Studios, on the other hand, clearly believes that people don't need the brain much in this life. Get ready for the metaphorical chisel-to-the-frontal-lobe: the studio has hired a writer to script a reboot of The Mummy, the 1999 Brendan Frasier-starring film (itself a reboot!) that spawned a franchise. A franchise which had its last installment not four years ago. For comparison, here are some other films from the same year which, by this logic, are ready for remakes: The Matrix. The Sixth Sense. Fight Club.

Ugh. At least they hired someone with some promise? Maybe?

Universal Pictures has tapped "Prometheus" scribe Jon Spaihts to pen a feature reboot of "The Mummy" franchise, which Sean Daniel will return to produce…

"I see it as the sort of opportunity I had with 'Prometheus': to go back to a franchise's roots in dark, scary source material and simultaneously open it up to an epic scale we haven't seen before," Spaihts said.

Well, except people actually wanted to explore the universe of Alien some more. (And in a way that didn't involve anyone vs. the Predator.) But don't let that stop you! Don't let anything stop you, not logic, not the spirit of artistic endeavor, not the millions of people banging their heads against their desks because no one on earth wants a remake of The Mummy oh my god what is happening to our culture.