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DMX: “I’ll bust a midget’s ass if he talks to me the wrong way”

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As a young white child growing up in Pennsylvania, I thought DMX was the scariest person alive. Don't get me wrong, I freaking love his music, but as this site helpfully explains, there are five "W's" of DMX that he answers in all of his songs:

1. Who is DMX?
2. What are the Ruff Ryders?
3. When is DMX going to kill me?
4. Where is DMX going to kill me?
5. Why is DMX going to kill me?

And the answer to all of those questions is a loud barking noise.

Which is why it's so depressingly hilarious that this footage of a drunken DMX cavorting around a New Jersey convenience store late at night, pulled from VH1's Couples Therapy, is making the rounds. (And by making the rounds, I mean I'm showing it everyone I'm in contact with.)

Choice highlights include:

DMX drunkenly exclaiming "Ooh, the donuts just came in," before grabbing one and proclaiming, "This is the time to get donuts" as he bites into it, his eyes rolling back in his head in obvious gustatorial delight.

DMX claiming "I can't dance regularly, but if you put me in a motherfucking cowboy joint I'll tear that shit up," before proceeding to tear that shit up, hoedown-style.

DMX grabbing eggs from a carton and making himself an egg sandwich using the store's microwave.

DMX offering everyone gum: "Gum anybody? Bazookas? I mean, come on: you get a joke and a piece of gum."

DMX explaining that a person's size will not stop him from fighting him if he feels disrespected by said person: "I'm not gonna be disrespected by anybody. I don't give a fuck how big he is, how small he is… I'll fuck a midget up. Straight up, straight up… I'll bust a midget's ass if he talks to me the wrong way."

Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified of the guy. But this video does make me want to go drunk-snacking through a convenience store with him, which is something I wouldn't have been able to say ten years ago.

And that's what growing older is all about.