FBI ranks Juggalos as a threat to national security

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In an annual report on gang trends known as the National Gang Threat Assessment, the FBI has stated that the Insane Clown Posse fans known as juggalos — or juggalettes, if you have a uterus and really, really love to drink Faygo — pose a threat to national security by engaging in "gang-like criminal activity, such as felony assaults, thefts, robberies, and drug sales." The fans of the Detroit rap group are notorious for wearing clown face paint, as well as for the annual Gathering of the Juggalos convention, which, for the uninitiated, is like Woodstock with wet T-shirt contests and wrestling in lamb's blood.

Although Juggalos have been accused of criminal behavior in the past, with police departments in Utah, California, and New Mexico classifying them as gangs, most Juggalos deny any connection to gang activity, and ICP members Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope have spoken out against Juggalo violence. (Although you'd think someone who goes by Violent J would be, like, I don't know, an advocate for violence, particularly of the J variety, that totally isn't the case. You see, FBI, these guys are softies! They might as well be shilling organic yogurt in Whole Foods ads and releasing James Taylor cover albums.) The FBI document acknowledges that "most crimes committed by Juggalos are sporadic, disorganized, [and] individualistic," but identifies active criminal subsets of Juggalos in more than twenty states.

If the Juggalos are to be classified as vicious, warlike gang members, much like the Lords of Hell in the 1987 classic Adventures in Babysitting, then at least they're in good company: the document also names MS-13, the Crips, and the Bloods as other potential security threats. Meanwhile, the Juggalos will continue to prove that Juggalos are not a gang by posting on their aptly titled Facebook group,  "Juggalos are NOT a gang." 'Cause they be droppin' the mad family values, bitch.