Madonna assures concerned Americans there will be no “wardrobe malfunction” during halftime show

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If you are anything like me, you will be spending Super Bowl XLVI eating cereal and watching Titanic with limited commercial interruption in between obsessively reading the player stats for every dog in the Puppy Bowl. If you are not a total saddo one of the 111 million Americans tuning into NBC tonight at kickoff, however, you may or may not be disappointed to find out that Madonna, who is performing during the halftime show, insists there will be no "wardrobe malfunction" during her performance (a reference to Janet Jackson's infamous nip slip during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show).

It's rumored that Madonna will be singing a new song ("Gimme All Your Luvin'") and three of her old hits ("Vogue," "Music," and "Like a Prayer") during her twelve-minute set, and she'll be performing with Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. (LMFAO and Cee-Lo Green are also slated to make appearances.) Yet despite this lineup of notorious envelope-pushers, Madonna insists that the halftime show will be "a spectacular show… for all age groups and a feast for the eyes and ears."

Given Madonna's penchant for shock value and subverting audience expectations, it's pretty clear what this means. So set your DVRs and keep your speed dial at the ready, because this year, I predict that Madonna will be showing 111 million Americans her vagina. Yup. Screw the FCC, screw the slight delay in airtime: if that isn't what she meant by a "spectacular show for all age groups" and "a feast for the eyes and ears," we probably don't want to know what kind of freakideakiness Madge has in store for us tonight.