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Shakira assures concerned fans she’s okay after being attacked by sea lion

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Be honest: when you woke up this morning, did you think that you'd see a headline about an early aughts-era celebrity assuring fans she's OK after being attacked by a sea lion? And, furthermore, did you, at any point, expect that this early aughts celebrity would be Shakira? 

According to a Facebook post by Shakira, titled "Special Post: Attacked by a Sea Lion," the pop star, who was vacationing in Cape Town, happened upon a pack of sea lions during her travels and tried to get closer to them to get a better look. She was, in her words, "down on a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures" when all of a sudden, one leapt up and bit her. The scene that followed sounds like it was ripped straight out of a Hemingway short story (you know, that famous one about big-game sea-lion hunting):

"I was paralyzed by fear and couldn't move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother "Super Tony" jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast. We both got our hands and legs scratched by the rocks while trying to protect ourselves. I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the Blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish… Wow! It's funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips. Oh well, I can't say that anymore!! Now I'm off to see some penguins [above]! I hope they are a bit more friendly!"

It doesn't matter that Shakira apparently calls her brother "Super Tony," or that "I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the Blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish" is the single funniest sentence ever composed in the English language. What matters is that our favorite Colombian singer-songwriter emerged from this encounter unscathed.