Chuck Norris endorses Newt Gingrich

According to a list of facts about Walker, Texas Ranger star Chuck Norris, there is no theory of evolution; just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Apparently, GOP candidate Newt Gingrich has made it onto that list, after the action star endorsed Gingrich in his column for conservative news website WND.com. 

Although it was suspected that Norris would endorse "friend" Rick Perry for the 2012 campaign, after Perry dropped out of the race Thursday, Norris published an op-ed piece urging readers to stand behind Gingrich, writing that the former House Speaker was "the best man left out on the battlefield to outwit, outplay, and outlast Obama and his campaign machine." Norris, who endorsed Mike Huckabee in the 2008 election, then went on to continue to quote Survivor by reciting Sue Hawk's famous "snake and rat" speech from the first season, comparing Newt Gingrich and President Obama to finalists Richard and Kelly. J slash K! But that would have been sweet. Actually, he wrote:

"I’m tired of watching our country being torn to shreds by those who think the answer is more government debt and control. I’m tired of being in bondage to a tax system that robs U.S. citizens like the king of England did before the Revolution. I’m tired of watching our sovereignty being sold by foreign loans and loose borders. And I will not sit back and merely watch this decay and degradation of the U.S. and then hand it over to my children and grandchildren to deal with."

There you have it, America: Chuck Norris is tired, and when Chuck Norris gets tired, he doesn't sleep; he waits. So let's join him in his quest to wait for the only man who can lift our ruined nation from the ashes of its former splendor, by casting our vote for a man who believes that being gay is a choice, black people should stop being "satisfied" with food stamps, and Oliver! should be a documentary. 'Cause you know what Sue Hawk would say, guys: the snake's gotta eat the rat. That's the island way.