Author Mark Judge (A Tremor of Bliss: Sex, Catholicism, and Rock 'n' Roll) attended the Stations of the Cross ritual at the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, D.C. on Good Friday. The National Shrine and Catholic University — where Judge attended college — are both adjacent to Brookland, a D.C. neighborhood that happens to be predominately African-American.
Judge had left his silver-blue hybrid from L.L. Bean locked to his car's bike rack while he was at church and sure enough, when he returned to his car, his bike was gone. But he was as certain of the culprit as he was confident about flashing those opalescent calves, writing "As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report, I knew that the odds were very high that a black person had taken my bike" in a column for Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller.
Judge recounts in his column that he expressed his frustrations to a liberal friend. She proceeded to lecture him on profiling, saying "That person needs our prayers and help. They haven't had the advantages we have." At that moment Judge had an epiphany. He wrote:
"I had been carefully educated by liberal parents that we are all, black and white, the same. My favorite movie growing up was In the Heat of the Night. Yet that often meant not treating everyone the same. It meant treating blacks with a mixture of patronizing condescension and obsequiously genuflecting to their Absolute Moral Authority gained from centuries of suffering. It meant not treating everyone the same."
But after having his bike stolen by someone he assumed was black, Judge had a radical change in consciousness. He asked himself:
"Why was I assuming that the kid who stole my bike was acting out of some terrible pain, as if he had been directly under the lash of Bull Connor? What if he has a car, a nice apartment, a hot girlfriend and good health?
What if he is just a selfish asshole?"
So that's when Mark Judge's white guilt died. As he put it:
"We're all human, we all experience pain in our lives. And black pain is no different than white pain. I'm tired of people using the moral authority of past generations for their own personal gain and self-aggrandizement."
So basically, a privileged white guy has his bike stolen — possibly by a person — and he suddenly wants to discount the U.S.'s history of slavery and prejudice. And we thought Rush Limbaugh gave conservative pundits a bad name.