Author Mark Judge (A Tremor of Bliss: Sex, Catholicism, and Rock 'n' Roll) attended the Stations of the Cross ritual at the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, D.C. on Good Friday. The National Shrine and Catholic University — where Judge attended college — are both adjacent to Brookland, a D.C. neighborhood that happens to be predominately African-American. 

Judge had left his silver-blue hybrid from L.L. Bean locked to his car's bike rack while he was at church and sure enough, when he returned to his car, his bike was gone. But he was as certain of the culprit as he was confident about flashing those opalescent calves, writing "As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report, I knew that the odds were very high that a black person had taken my bike"  in a column for Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller.

Judge recounts in his column that he expressed his frustrations to a liberal friend. She proceeded to lecture him on profiling, saying "That person needs our prayers and help. They haven't had the advantages we have." At that moment Judge had an epiphany. He wrote:

"I had been carefully educated by liberal parents that we are all, black and white, the same. My favorite movie growing up was In the Heat of the Night. Yet that often meant not treating everyone the same. It meant treating blacks with a mixture of patronizing condescension and obsequiously genuflecting to their Absolute Moral Authority gained from centuries of suffering. It meant not treating everyone the same."

But after having his bike stolen by someone he assumed was black, Judge had a radical change in consciousness. He asked himself:

"Why was I assuming that the kid who stole my bike was acting out of some terrible pain, as if he had been directly under the lash of Bull Connor? What if he has a car, a nice apartment, a hot girlfriend and good health?

What if he is just a selfish asshole?"

So that's when Mark Judge's white guilt died. As he put it:

"We're all human, we all experience pain in our lives. And black pain is no different than white pain. I'm tired of people using the moral authority of past generations for their own personal gain and self-aggrandizement."

So basically, a privileged white guy has his bike stolen —  possibly by a person — and he suddenly wants to discount the U.S.'s history of slavery and prejudice. And we thought Rush Limbaugh gave conservative pundits a bad name.

Commentarium (11 Comments)

Apr 10 12 - 3:24pm

He's on to something. I once had my car damaged in a supermarket parking lot by an errant shopping cart. It might very well have been a black lesbian who left the cart there! So no more straight white male guilt for me!

Apr 10 12 - 4:14pm

Given that this was the campus of Catholic University, the most likely culprit is, I suppose, a young Catholic male or female. All the more reason for all of us to remember a basic truth: you should never ever trust a conventionally gendered young adult Catholic!

Apr 10 12 - 4:37pm
True Patriot

No bike is safe on any college campus in the country. I don't care what type of school it is, or the makeup of the student body. Unless you're right there, prepared to fight to the death to defend your bike, someone who wants it will simply take it.

Apr 10 12 - 5:42pm

Alas, this bike theft frenzy is undoubtedly the result of the creeping influence of the Dutch, who have an entire subculture based on such morally depraved two-wheeled behavior.
But you never hear anybody rail against those evil bastards, do you?

Apr 11 12 - 1:33am

Hell, in any sort of city you have to keep your bike guarded five different ways at once. I remember hearing about people in New York running a scam where they put fake street posts up so people would lock their bikes to them, and then simply lifted the street post up and slipped the lock off. Bike thieves don't fuck around.

But yes, "black guy stole my bike" is a disgusting stereotype and this guy needs to check all of his privilege.

Apr 10 12 - 5:35pm

couldn't have been a black person anyways, aren't they still boycotting ll bean?

Apr 10 12 - 7:06pm

Blah blah blah Conservatives bad blah blah blah.
So, how's that shutdown of Gitmo going? No?
Patriot Act repealed? No?

Apr 11 12 - 7:41am

Exactly how guilty should we feel about teh blacks? Should I give money and an apology to each one I meet or is it enough to not get mad when they steal my bike?

Apr 11 12 - 9:27am

What kind of fool idiot would leave the bike unattended on a car bike rack anyways. The idiot should go to a bike shop, get a new bike and decent lock, and ride to church. And stop whining about his overpriced mail order catalog hybrid.

Apr 11 12 - 11:21am

Don't blame the victim, man.

May 06 12 - 7:28pm
has tobesaid

You are 115 times more likely to be killed by a black man than a white man.

Enjoy your social contructs.