Donald Trump won't run for president, but he could totally win

Even though it was plainly obvious that Donald Trump would never actually run for president — I sincerely believe that no birther ever could — the Kraft Mac & Cheese-colored one himself has announced today that he won't be gunning for the position of Commander-in-chief. His reason? He just really, really loves working in the private sector. (Given who we're talking about, it is hard not to interpret that in any way other than "I love money so much!" so I won't.)  But Mr. Fanta Face also wants to assure you that if he wanted to, he could totally win the highest office in the US:

This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election.

Listen up, you rich Cheeto you: I am an expert at the "quit before you lose" game — that's why I was an English major — and if you really want to sell it you absolutely must admit your own lack of quality before any old knob like myself can do it for you. Because otherwise you make statements like:

Issues, including getting tough on China and other countries that are methodically and systematically taking advantage of the United States, were seldom mentioned before I brought them to the forefront of the country’s conversation.

And then everyone just laughs.