The FBI teaches you how to spot a terrorist at your local coffee spot

Pin it

A good terrorist will normally start their attacks out early in the morning, before heading to work as an evil dogwalker/intern. A good terrorist is always aware of their surroundings — as they make their way inside, they'll take note of the end of "Someone Like You" playing on the radio, and, cold-blooded terrorist that they are, they won't even get goosebumps. Next, they'll maliciously greet the barista with a "Hey, yeah, the usual, gotta get my fix." Then, they're likely to loathsomely order, say, a raspberry mocha, and to say "ooh, pretty" at the barista's foam panda. 

But apparently none of these acts of terrorism matter. According to the FBI, the sign of a true terrorist is how they pay for a coffee. The FBI has released a series of fliers to companies/businesses around the U.S. detailing the signs of terrorist activity. One of the most ridiculous was — you guessed it — a warning to coffee workers about people who pay for their joe in cash. You know, so as to avoid a paper trail. Not, say, to get rid of last night's tip money, or to spend their Valentine's five-dollar-bill that their aunt gave them along with a pack of Big Red. The only reason someone would ever pay in cash is to avoid disclosing their terrorist identity.  

Similarly absurd caveats to business owners included one sent to tattoo artists about numerous people asking for the same tattoo — because "Mom" is probably an acronym for some branch of the post-Osama Al Qaeda regime — and one sent to boat-shop owners warning against people exhibiting excessive enthusiasm about scuba diving.  So next time you see a coffee-lover, a mother-lover or a dolphin-lover — basically anyone who likes something or does something — you would be advised to duck and cover.