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Mitt Romney wants to save you and your family from porn

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Way back in 2007, when we were all young and fresh-faced and innocent and earnestly telling people that Rihanna's "Umbrella" was better than anything that Prince ever wrote (spoiler alert: we were wrong), then-governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney was… well, he was pretty much the same. Except hotter. He might have been a little bit hotter. But other than that, Mittens was pretty much up to the same old tricks, wooing conservative voters with his trademark Brooks Brothers mannequin charisma and his promises to clean up the muck-filled gutters of cyberspace, one porn-blocking computer button at a time.

Yes, you read that right: back in 2007, Mitt Romney wanted to require every new computer to come with a pornography-blocking button. If you listen closely right now, you can make out the sound of every person who has ever used the internet giving all of their money to the Obama campaign.

Shockingly, when Mittens expressed these sentiments at the two Iowa rallies during his 2007 campaign (the second one is below; both are via BuzzFeed), they were not met with boos, jeers, and the soft whimpers of hundreds of white men crying for their mommies. Instead, they were met with applause (save for one dude at the end of the first clip, who's looking at Romney like, "Bitch, please." I kind of love that dude. He's the one who should have been running for president).

Because you see, when Mittens talks about cleaning up the brackish waters of cyberspace, he wants to do it for the children. He wants to save them from the "violence, the sex, the perversion that bombards them day in and day out," and the best way to do that is to block them from accessing the same Brazilian scat porn that you'd gleefully made your grandma watch just so you could film her reaction and put it on YouTube (actually, now that I think about it, 2007 was around the same time that 2 Girls 1 Cup came out, which is long enough ago that it's probably eligible for entry into the Criterion Collection right now).

Actually, I guess it's not all that surprising that Mitt's anti-porn button was so popular with the crowds. Because after all, this is America, land of the free and home of the brave; where our children are taught in schools that their privates will fall off if they engage in the same acts that their parents masturbate to online, and where our presidential candidates are so clueless and out-of-touch that they haven't even fucking heard of Google Safe Search.