Way back in 2007, when we were all young and fresh-faced and innocent and earnestly telling people that Rihanna's "Umbrella" was better than anything that Prince ever wrote (spoiler alert: we were wrong), then-governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney was... well, he was pretty much the same. Except hotter. He might have been a little bit hotter. But other than that, Mittens was pretty much up to the same old tricks, wooing conservative voters with his trademark Brooks Brothers mannequin charisma and his promises to clean up the muck-filled gutters of cyberspace, one porn-blocking computer button at a time.

Yes, you read that right: back in 2007, Mitt Romney wanted to require every new computer to come with a pornography-blocking button. If you listen closely right now, you can make out the sound of every person who has ever used the internet giving all of their money to the Obama campaign.

Shockingly, when Mittens expressed these sentiments at the two Iowa rallies during his 2007 campaign (the second one is below; both are via BuzzFeed), they were not met with boos, jeers, and the soft whimpers of hundreds of white men crying for their mommies. Instead, they were met with applause (save for one dude at the end of the first clip, who's looking at Romney like, "Bitch, please." I kind of love that dude. He's the one who should have been running for president).

Because you see, when Mittens talks about cleaning up the brackish waters of cyberspace, he wants to do it for the children. He wants to save them from the "violence, the sex, the perversion that bombards them day in and day out," and the best way to do that is to block them from accessing the same Brazilian scat porn that you'd gleefully made your grandma watch just so you could film her reaction and put it on YouTube (actually, now that I think about it, 2007 was around the same time that 2 Girls 1 Cup came out, which is long enough ago that it's probably eligible for entry into the Criterion Collection right now).

Actually, I guess it's not all that surprising that Mitt's anti-porn button was so popular with the crowds. Because after all, this is America, land of the free and home of the brave; where our children are taught in schools that their privates will fall off if they engage in the same acts that their parents masturbate to online, and where our presidential candidates are so clueless and out-of-touch that they haven't even fucking heard of Google Safe Search. 

Commentarium (18 Comments)

Apr 23 12 - 10:29pm
MakeSexNotPorn

Porn is pretty gross. I kinda wish we could get rid of it, logistics be damned.

Apr 23 12 - 10:43pm
Greg

EJ, EJ, EJ, its a little early to be foaming at the mouth.
Once again the left shows the depth of its thought, abortion and porn for all!
Of course your crowd long ago forgave Al / Tipper Gore for the PMRC.
And of course the RIAA terrorist lawsuit campaign targeting 13 year old who download MP3s.
We can't have the entertainment communities 1 percent make do on less,
especially when they have contributed so much to the "right people".

Apr 23 12 - 11:37pm
Mahhhhh

Uhhh, so you point is that you are in favor of the porn button? Oh no wait. this is a good old example of the tu quoque fallacy. Nicely done, buddy.

Apr 23 12 - 11:39pm
Mahhhh

*your

Apr 24 12 - 12:37am
Greg

This is a non-issue that's raised by the left to incite an emotional response in their mind numbed masses. Meanwhile they're busily censoring the media left and right of things they feel are unacceptable such as the words "gay" and "fag". AMC cut out a section of "Blazing Saddles" where the word "faggot" was used. I'm sick of leftwingers thrown out these "false flag" attacks on free speech that never happened while they take a dump on free expression.

Apr 24 12 - 7:04am
@Greg

Greg's right! Also EJ is a fucking drama queen who refuses to do any real thinking about anything . Her style is consistent breathless hyperbole coupled to a nitpicking personae. It is essentially the thing either grade girls do at a slumber party except that she appears is armed with a gender studies degree and ought to have grown out of it by now.

While her writing is shit, it is in fact perfect for the media environment we have created - in the race to the bottom EJ may have won.

Apr 24 12 - 10:20am
@Greg

AMC is a corporation and they can censor whatever movies they have a right to censor in whatever way they want to censor them. If you do not like the new version of Blazing Saddles, do not watch it. This is much different than Mittens advocating for a law that would require computer makers to integrate a porn blocking button on every computer made.

Apr 24 12 - 11:40am
AWorldMinusGreg

...would not necessarily be a world where people avoid logical fallacies and understand what a "false flag" operation really is, but it would be a world with one less person who doesn't.

Apr 24 12 - 5:23pm
Greg

Your just rationalizing censorship you support. The net effect is free expression is suppressed.
And look how you are comparing something that didn't happen to something that did (which attracts no liberal outrage).

Apr 24 12 - 9:25am
moops

Is the porno blocking key something like the "boss button" you press when you are goofing off at work?

Apr 24 12 - 10:38am
fishstix

Who needs porn when you have 7 wives!?

Apr 24 12 - 3:20pm
Groovy Grubworm

Leave Obama's ancestors out of this!

Apr 24 12 - 12:38pm
OctopusArmy

Holy crap, the LEFT and mind-numbed masses? The right has become so brainwashed that the first hint of anything left of the middle and they freak the f**k out and make absurd geralizations (such as, I dunno, "Free abortion and porn for all" which, uh, no). Yeah, people should chill on Mitt. No need to get in a tizzy over this, I agree. But it's getting sickening that no matter what the left says, the right shouts the opposite immediately and six times as loud. It's as if there's no aisle left to cross, because it's a DMZ.

Apr 24 12 - 5:27pm
Greg

Because of the tiresome style of reporting that ignores when the left does something and pounces when the right does something similar. Here we have an article about some hypothetical thing that never happened but how much shit did the Gores get for the PMRC? Heck you probably don't even know what the PMRC. Or how about Clinton Sister Soldier b.s.? Nope? Or how about THE FACT that Obama has never come out for Gay Marriage?

Apr 24 12 - 1:19pm
So-What

Wow, a women more passionate about porn that I am. I think I found my first ex-wife. Names Dave by the way, nice to meet you. Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, if it's a button that we could hit, isn't there a counter arguement that you don't have to hit said button. It's like being pissed that theres a show on television, that you don't watch. Your not forced to do shit, so quit crying about it. If you want to be pissed about all the other stupid shit Romney says (and theres alot), more power to you, but to make an arument about this, come on. By the way, why is this all from 2007? I thought we were living in 2012.

Apr 24 12 - 1:43pm
Kel

Romney can look at my porn any time, all he has to do is show his photo ID.

Apr 24 12 - 6:07pm
Rex Merritt

Christ! Will no one save us from such people as Mitt Romney!?

Apr 28 12 - 7:13am
m

You know what? I agree with him. I used to love porn. I watched it all the time all through my teens. But I definitely did not need to see rough gangbangs as a wide eyed 13 yr old. Probably warped my brain. And there's so much hairless brutality. Where's the kissing? And the women actually enjoying themselves. Sex is awesome but I feel like we as a society are drowning in this toxic soup of shitty porno that is too readily available. I should not be able to find porn typing in ANYTHING and adding the word "naked" on google.

American media sucks. Everybody else is watching you and shaking their heads.