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You know, as much as I like watching bad things happen to rich people, it's been a rough week to be a follower of Mitt Romney's campaign. His Twitter birthday party was sparsely attended, largely because his parties, hosted through social media or not, are notoriously terrible. (Fucking meatloaf, Mittens?) And his campaign in the South is taking a drubbing over his latest campaign tactic: talkin' folksy.
"Naow, thaht's a fahhhne Alabama good mornin'," he drawls in the clip below, sounding like James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues. This is coming on the heels of his Friday move of discussing his hearty Southern breakfast of "a biscuit and some cheesy grits," to which he added the standard folksyism, "I'll tell you." Oh, and he opened with "Mornin' y'all," which literally just made me wince a few moments ago when I typed it.
Pandering is one thing, but seriously, you're a shade from a bad SNL impression here, Mittens. Even with the stirring endorsement of former IBM employee and professional Southern reductionist Jeff Foxworthy, you're not so much pandering as you are caricaturing. Sure, it's easy to mock the South for their Obama-is-a-secret-Muslim beliefs, their ridiculously high rates of diabetes, illiteracy, and poverty, but I refuse to believe they'll be swayed by something as simple as the mention of grits and "varmint" hunting.
Look, Mittens: talkin' folksy is an art form. Dubya, Sarah — these are the people you have to look up to. Study their mannerisms. Choke on a pretzel or two. Forget everything you learned in France and business school — none of that's helping you now. Pick up a copy of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof or watch some True Blood. Then give this another try. If all else fails, go for the coveted Larry the Cable Guy endorsement. He's from Nebraska, but you'd never know it.