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In an interview with David Brody from the Christian Broadcasting Network, the giant pumpkin in an Anderson Cooper wig most commonly known as Newt Gingrich said that he believes the evangelical community is able to support his bid for the presidency because he has "not hidden" from the facts of his life, and has confessed his weaknesses. The thrice-married, two-time adulterer went on to say that this may make him appear more normal to God-fearing folk than "somebody who wanders around seeming perfect and maybe not understanding the human condition, and the challenges of life for normal people," which was widely understood to be a dig at the squeaky-clean Mitt Romney.
You know what? I can't believe I'm saying this in front of God and Blog God, but I think Newt might actually have a point. Mitt Romney has been married to the same woman for forty-two years, so there's no way he could ever be able to relate to the challenges that normal people face on a daily basis. Like, for instance, looking your partner in the eye while she's recovering from cancer surgery to ask her for a divorce, or administering daily meat injections to a flaxen-haired Congressional staffer while you're married to another woman. Indeed, how could Mitt possibly expect to represent the common man if he's never even experienced the most minor, everyday aspects of the human condition? Like taking out the trash or getting your teeth cleaned or watching your ex-wife tell ABC's Nightline that you begged her to let you insert your genitals into other (presumably) non-repulsed women, while you were still married?
The answer is, of course, that he can't. Which is why every God-fearing, sex-having, human condition-loving Floridian from Orlando to Ocala should cast a vote for Newt Gingrich come January 31. Newt may not be a millionaire with a Swiss bank account and sexy-ass sons and Patrick Bateman hair, but at least he understands the challenges we normies regularly face. Because Newt, for all of his weaknesses, is just like us: beautifully, wretchedly, excruciatingly human.
As for Ron Paul, I don't know what the fuck that guy's deal is. I think he might actually be an Animorph.