According to new book, Obama had super-secret tea party; did not invite you

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Hey, America! Would you like to go to a lavish, Alice in Wonderland-themed, Tim Burton-decorated tea party at the White House? Would you like to wear a frilly hat and suck down some scones with the original Chewbacca from Star Wars, or take a spin on the dance floor with People's Sexiest Man Alive of 2009, Johnny Depp? Well, according to New York Times correspondent Jodi Kantor's new book, The Obamas, this was a gas and a half when it actually happened on Halloween 2009. Except the Obamas didn't bother sending you an invite, 'cause it was totally last-minute and they thought you'd have better stuff to do and you're a poor, sad victim of the recession who would've gotten your poor, sad recession tears all over the whimsical Wedgwood china. 

According to Kantor's book, the first couple threw the costume party during their first Halloween at the White House, inviting all sorts of Hollywood glitterati, military officials, and (presumably) gay billionaire Victorian-era enthusiasts to come celebrate. Kantor says that the reason you never heard about the bash is because the Obamas kept it under wraps, fearing that news of a lavish, star-studded affair in the White House would be perceived as a giant "fuck you" to victims of the lagging economy and ten-percent unemployment rate.

"White House officials were so nervous about how a splashy, Hollywood-esque party would look to jobless Americans — or to their representatives in Congress, who would soon vote on health care — that the event was not discussed publicly and Burton and Depp's contributions went unacknowledged," Kantor writes. The book comes out later this week, and it's already received criticism for the fact that Kantor did not interview the Obamas.

The New York Post has a bunch of other details about the party, and if you don't want to have a jealousy-induced stroke at your laptop, I would advise you not to read any further. There was fruit punch served in blood vials. There were giant stuffed animals in chairs. There was a magic show. There was a mild-mannered pimp and a bevy of foxy New Wave court jesters who ate the cake-body of a nubile English girl. Okay, that last part is from Tom Petty's video for "Don't Come Around Here No More," but honestly, the fact that this happened during a recession is a lot less offensive to me than the fact that I wasn't there.

Dude, as a resident of a swing state, I wouldn't have given you my vote if I knew you were going to be holding out on the party invites. Next time you've got a free house, a couple kegs, and Elton John handing out 24-karat, white chocolate-covered tickets at the coat check room, I want in. And I apologize in advance for getting drunk and puking on Mark Hamill.