Oklahoma Democrat jokingly calls for anti-masturbation provision in “personhood bill”

Pin it

A courageous pro-choice Democrat from Oklahoma jokingly introduced an amendment to a "personhood" bill, claiming "any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child." 

Though the provision has since been withdrawn, it would have made oral sex, anal sex, masturbation, gang-bangs, bukkake, glazed doughnuts, pegging, auto-fellatio, auto-fellatio with a bud, the dutch rudder, semen-writing, inter-vegetable fornication, and sex with a condom illegal. Constance Johnson, the senator, said she added the provision to highlight the absurdity and sexism inherent to the bill's harsh, restrictive details and to point out that the bill is as ridiculous as her (fictional) amendment. 

Senate Bill 1433, the bill in question, defines human life as beginning at the moment of conception. This would give that happy accident in any lady's baby-makin' parts the same amount of rights as a full-grown person. And if you think I'm being snarky, read this excerpt from the bill:

"…the unborn child at every stage of development [has] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state."

Should the bill have passed (and thank monkey-Jesus it didn't), all forms of abortion would have been rendered illegal — including the Plan B pill. A round of applause to Constance Johnson for having the huevos to not only protest this bill, but to do it in a funny way. When masturbation is outlawed, only outlaws will masturbate.