A courageous pro-choice Democrat from Oklahoma jokingly introduced an amendment to a "personhood" bill, claiming "any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child." 

Though the provision has since been withdrawn, it would have made oral sex, anal sex, masturbation, gang-bangs, bukkake, glazed doughnuts, pegging, auto-fellatio, auto-fellatio with a bud, the dutch rudder, semen-writing, inter-vegetable fornication, and sex with a condom illegal. Constance Johnson, the senator, said she added the provision to highlight the absurdity and sexism inherent to the bill's harsh, restrictive details and to point out that the bill is as ridiculous as her (fictional) amendment. 

Senate Bill 1433, the bill in question, defines human life as beginning at the moment of conception. This would give that happy accident in any lady's baby-makin' parts the same amount of rights as a full-grown person. And if you think I'm being snarky, read this excerpt from the bill:

"…the unborn child at every stage of development [has] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state."

Should the bill have passed (and thank monkey-Jesus it didn't), all forms of abortion would have been rendered illegal — including the Plan B pill. A round of applause to Constance Johnson for having the huevos to not only protest this bill, but to do it in a funny way. When masturbation is outlawed, only outlaws will masturbate. 

Commentarium (17 Comments)

Feb 08 12 - 1:43pm

Semen-writing... Fuck that was funny.

Feb 11 12 - 8:57am


Feb 08 12 - 3:33pm

Plan B is not a form of abortion! The only ones who get this wrong are religious loons. If you are pregnant, Plan B will not end the pregnancy!

Mar 15 12 - 9:43pm

THAT IS SO FUCKING IRRITATING! I'm sorry to yell but it makes me mad.

Feb 08 12 - 3:50pm

Oklahoma... the only state where my ejaculate is eligible for health insurance.

Feb 08 12 - 4:49pm

If it passed, I wonder if it means you could claim an unborn child on your taxes.

Feb 08 12 - 5:45pm

How would they handle redistricting to account for the redistribution of electoral votes?

Feb 08 12 - 5:53pm

We'd have new U.S. states where the mean age would be 6 weeks. Tiny everything!

Feb 09 12 - 12:25am

Some theatres require that every patron have a ticket, so a preggers lady will have to buy two (or more) tickets, even though she/they are occupying only one seat. Some restaurants impose a service charge for parties of 8+, so four preggers ladies meeting for lunch would have to pay it. If an elevator's maximum occupancy limit is 8, and there are already 7 inside, a preggers lady can't join them. On the other hand, a preggers lady can more likely use the High Occupancy Vehicle lanes. Where does this madness end?

Feb 08 12 - 6:06pm

How is that courageous? What possible consequence does she face? None. All it is childish mockery using a straw man.

Feb 08 12 - 7:05pm
Stuckina Parkbench

How is that courageous? A few alternatives for your consideration:
a) She is a Democrat (in Oklahoma).
b) She is a woman stating a strong opposition opinion (in America).
c) She is a politician willing to take a stand within the sexual mores of a puritanical culture.
d) She is willing to employ humor to diffuse idiocy with the very real consequences of losing her job.
e) All of the above.

Feb 12 12 - 2:07pm

Sorry, not buying it...

a) Democrat (in Oklahoma or otherwise) - protected class
b) woman - is she going to be stoned like in a Muslim society?
c) what puritanical culture are we living in? anything goes these days, try watching TV someime
d) it wasn't funny. it was childish. nobody holds the opinion that semen is human life.
e) none of the above.

Feb 23 12 - 3:28pm

Actually, it is not an opinion that sperm is human life... it is scientific fact. Spermatocytes divide while in the testicles in a process called meiosis, which is a type of human cell division that reduces the chromosome number from 46 to 23. Sperm have the ability to "swim" using flagella, and the ability to "smell" their way to a human egg using a process called chemotaxis. Which is to say the little dudes are indeed "alive," and since they are "alive" they are quite obviously "human" life. They ain't turtles, Tina, they're little dudes and dudettes... because only sperm determine the sex of the human baby.

Mar 16 12 - 1:18am

Your analysis of sperm and when life begins is so far off, I can't determine if you are being satirical or are just severely misinformed regarding reproduction

Feb 09 12 - 7:56am

That's so exciting. I want to claim lots and lots of unborn children as a dependent on my tax form. We should start a movement. Unborn children = dependent on my tax form therefore we are entitled to tax concessions. Only for those who carry the unborn - women. We need something snappier. Let's go for it !!

Mar 17 12 - 5:47pm
el profe

And the father's right to claim the unborn on his income taxes? Hehe...

Mar 18 12 - 2:15pm

He'd have to have it as a dependent in order to file, and it clearly depends on her support, not his.