Really, we should've handed the presidency over to Stephen Colbert the second he got Henry Kissinger to emcee a guitar-off between himself and The Decemberists. And if the people of South Carolina had their way, he would… well, he wouldn't be president, but he'd beat out Jon Huntsman.
According to a poll which theoretically put Colbert against the actual GOP candidates, South Carolina natives prefer their homeboy Colbert to Huntsman and, since I know you were all wondering, former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer. Still, Colbert was hardly their top pick. His five percent was handily beat by Mitt Romney (twenty-seven percent), Newt Gingrich (twenty-four percent), Rick Santorum (eighteen percent), Ron Paul (eight percent), and Rick Perry (seven percent).
As you may recall, Colbert offered to sponsor the South Carolina Republican primary last year and called for a referendum about whether corporations are people. The same pollsters who placed him over Huntsman weren't with him on that last point — 67 percent believe "only people are people." (Logic blows.) But since he was "rebuffed in his efforts" to "get all that stuff on the actual ballot," the polling group decided they could at least include him in an imaginary race.
Now, this poll was of course all in jest, but is anyone else almost unbearably depressed that the people of South Carolina would vote for Rick Santorum over Colbert? Yeah, yeah, he's only a television personality, not a politician. He's still more qualified than Santorum. Like, Patti LuPone vs. Taylor Swift in Les Miserables qualified.