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First of all: did you know Inside the Actors' Studio host James Lipton is eighty-five freaking years old? Yup. I'm not kidding. His IMDB page says he was born on September 19, 1926. I know, you look at least a decade older than him before your morning cup of coffee. The man must bathe in virgin blood and floss with the beard hair of Rasputin. It's insane. But let's move on.
Anyway, to help gear up for the upcoming election,
Count Orlok Lipton has provided a few helpful tips for Mitt Romney to appear more relatable to the general public. In the lesson (below), titled "How to Act Human," the bearded theater guru offers some hints for Mittbot 2.0 to seem more like someone you'd have a beer with, not someone who'd awkwardly clap you on the shoulder and call you "son" before firing you without severance, bulldozing your house to make room for a golf course, and honking your wife's boob in front of you for good measure.
In the NYMag piece accompanying the clip, Lipton calls Romney out for his laugh (which he says "resembles the flat 'Ha! Ha! Ha!' that appears in comic-strip dialogue balloons. But worse — far worse — it is mirthless"), his wardrobe ("a failed mash-up of bowling alley and country club"), and his posture ("for a positive example of port de bras [the ballet term for use of the arms], I recommend the political Pavlova, Sarah Palin... her arms, moving gracefully and freely, are a constant pleasure to watch").
But by far the best part of "How to Act Human" is imagining Lipton's SNL counterpart Will Ferrell deliver the same advice in Lipton's trademark pretentious, overly effusive tone, tossing in some French and a quotation from the great Bernard Pivot for good measure. James Lipton, you know I love your eighty-five-year-old ass, but it wouldn't have killed you to say that Romney's performance of "America the Beautiful" "made Gandhi look like a child pornographer." God, they need to bring that sketch back.