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3 reasons you shouldn’t see the Charlie Sheen live show

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Charlie Sheen's live show, the Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option tour, made it to New York City this weekend and, much like it did on its opening night in Detroit, bombed like an F-16. But! Despite the dismal cloud of desperation that follows this event from city to city, Radio City was packed to capacity. So now I present to you — in case you start thinking that you too would like to witness Sheen's new act firsthand — the three reasons why you should never, ever see his live show.

It Has No Redeeming Cultural Value: No, I haven't seen the show, but let's not kid ourselves, shall we? We're grownups here and we all know what's waiting for us inside the violent tornado. Sheen's epic meltdown would have garnered nowhere near the attention it did if his rants weren't chock-a-block with internet-ready phrases like "winning" and "tiger blood" and "Vatican assassin warlock," but those are the tiny specks of gold we've panned out of piles of river muck. Even if Sheen left the rest of the crap behind, for how long could you listen to those phrases over and over before ripping off your own ears? Can you do it for an hour? Because that's how long the show is, give or take.

Of course, Sheen doesn't do that. He's giving you the full treatment, all the stuff you forgot right after you read it because it was boring or crazy in a boring way. Hollywood conspiracy theories? Weird references to certain people's very Jewish birth names? They're all there, and it's all crap. I beg of anyone thinking of going — read or watch literally anything else. Watch Wipeout. Read Garfield. I never thought I'd saw this, but: have you tried checking out that Two and a Half Men show I've heard so much about?

It's Bad To Cheer Him On: For obvious reasons, but let's be clear about this: Charlie Sheen is going through something very, very bad right now. I don't know him and I'm not a professional anything (shocker, right?), but it is very obvious to almost anyone that he is descending into serious drug abuse or mental illness. ("But maybe he knows what he's doing and it's, like, a performance piece, James!" No. He lost his job. People don't abandon ridiculously overpaid jobs just so they can scream nonsensical things on the radio for "big laffs.") Does that really sound like the sort of thing massive crowds should be showing up to support?

And even if they don't cheer — and, to be sure, lots of them don't — they're still buying shirts that say "Winning" or hot pants that say "Goddess." And, you know, paying for tickets. Maybe it's all ironic on the part of the audience members, but Lincoln, Jackson, and Grant are just shit at irony. It's not our job to get him whatever kind of help he needs, of course. That's the responsibility of people who actually, you know, know him. But maybe we shouldn't be buying tickets to see the spectacle?

It's Even Worse To Boo Him: And this, in the end, is really why you shouldn't see the show. The NYC crowd waited about twenty minutes before they turned on Sheen, shouting out jeers and catcalls because of… what, exactly? Because the show was a confused and incoherent mess? What were you expecting? Charlie Sheen is not the fucking Rockettes, people! He doesn't practice his routine from eight in the morning until nine at night just to make sure he nails that final combination.

You want to boo at a clearly troubled man because he wasn't as entertaining as you hoped he would be? Here's a tip: find a tricked out DeLorean, go back in time to Victorian England, and pay an orderly/doctor to take you on a tour around an asylum. No one will judge you there!

In conclusion: cut it out, everyone. It's just getting kind of gross.