A cold day in hell: Gene Simmons finally proposes to girlfriend Shannon Tweed

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Rocker/pitchman extraordinaire Gene Simmons has finally popped the question to longtime girlfriend Shannon Tweed (Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death), and the answer, on tonight's season finale of Gene Simmons Family Jewels (click here to watch preview), will not be much of a surprise. Rock star/Playmate relationships rarely last almost three decades, so their famous cohabitation is noteworthy in itself. Simmons could have done worse than make an honest woman of Tweed on a scenic pier in Belize, and this seems to be the logical conclusion of what I gather has been a gradual "taming of the 'do" on their reality show this season.

Trust me, if he ends up giving her an engagement ring with a diamond-encrusted KISS logo, it wouldn't surprise me. The guy is so good at hawking his own merchandise that I suddenly have an impulse to buy a KISS box set (using a KISS credit card), and I don't even like their music. Simmons and Tweed's children, Nick and Sophie, seem like nice, well-adjusted young adults, which I'm struck by when I see that a new study suggests that the educational qualifications of parents are more influential on child development than marriage. When you look back at The Osbournes on MTV, you realize that, despite being married, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne couldn't keep their kids in check for a good period of time, except for maybe that other daughter who didn't want to be filmed.

So it's good to see a happy ending to this story, after many seasons of boring home movies, questionable plastic-surgery choices, and fundamental decency. Now, must… go… to… KISS… Army… Warehouse.