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Man attacks himself over Oprah tickets

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People make jokes about the cult of Oprah — 30 Rock got a whole episode out of it — but now that Oprah's taking her iconic talk show off the air, things are getting fucking real: a Chicago man was so distressed about not getting his wife tickets to Oprah's "Farewell Spectacular" show that he faked his own mugging. And, in order to make the whole thing real, he went full on John McCain campaigner girl crazy:

Chicago Police say Robert Spearing, 44, of Ontario, Canada, concocted a story that he was robbed of his show tickets. He said he even had the scrapes to prove it.

Officers say Spearing allegedly scraped his hands on the sidewalk and used a rock to make a small cut on his forehead, all in hopes of making the ruse more believable.

His rational was that he didn't want his wife to be mad at him, which, believe it or not, the cops did not consider a valid defense for faking a crime. In fact, they charged him with a felony for disorderly conduct. I hate to beat up on the guy, because this story is pretty bleak as it is, but… he does know everyone gets to watch the thing on TV, right? You won't get a car or anything, but you also won't be in jail.