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It's been a while since we've seen a really good Missed Connection bubble up from the depths of Craigslist, but now the drought is over! And you can thank Gossip Girl's dedication to filming on location in New York City for it. After witnessing the show and its two stars, Blake Lively and Leighton Meester, filming outside his office building, one man took to the internet to grab the attention of the comely brunette. (If you don't watch Gossip Girl, that would be Meester, who plays mean girl Blair. Or she was a mean girl. I think now she's pregnant or a nun or in clown college or something.)
But this guy was taking his one shot very seriously, imagining a whole happy future for himself and the TV star. Let's read it now and play a game called "Where Does the Ad Go From Sweet to Creepy?"
To the beautiful brunette star of the popular CW series, "Gossip Girl" - m4w - 22 (Lower East Side)
You are the beautiful brunette star of the popular CW series, "Gossip Girl." I just got a poor haircut and work at an internet startup. Our lives intersected this morning on Rivington Street, as you prepared to act out a scene in front of ABC No Rio. Cameramen, handlers, producers, directors and also that one blonde-haired girl who is your fellow actor surrounded you, yet in the midst of all of that, you and I had time for a moment that I will never forget.
I was staring at you from a soot-covered window. To my surprise, you looked up at me and our eyes locked. I was terrified but instantly lovestruck. I stood my ground and waved to you. You waved back! For a moment, I saw the woman behind the character, not an entitled rich girl who hides her insecurities from the world, but a lovely, intelligent actress who has found so much success in life and manages to retain what made her so amazing in the first place.
I would have called out but that window hasn't been replaced in decades, possibly more than ten and I can't open it. I even tried after you left!
Here's why I'm writing this letter: we're missing out on a lifetime of memories.
The first date, after you first read the words I'm writing and think to yourself, "It's adorable how slightly pathetic but earnest and cute this guy is. I've just dated one too many jerks from Hollywood, and this guy is just super earnest and romantic." You give me your number and I nervously call you for the first time. My voice is shaky, and the call is dropped halfway through our banter. I ask you out on a date to a Mamoun's Falafel. You think it's charming how unfamiliar I am with the world of celebrity dating, and I find your down-to-earth personality and stunning beauty irresistible.
Our first kiss, after I mistake overgrown weeds on the wall by the school on Essex Street for a sprig of Mistletoe. The next week, I enter the whirlwind of your life, one day on the French Riviera, the next herding back paparazzi, and later, taking a backseat to let your inner radiance shine in front of the cameras because I know that nothing can come between us.
In the years that pass, our love deepens and we become more comfortable, watching each new episode of Gossip Girl with all of its labyrinthine twists and turns over a bowl of artisanal popcorn. As usual, Monday TV nights are a hallowed tradition spent at home, but we never fail to keep the relationship exciting. As you live out the life of the heiress of a fashion icon onscreen, your real life becomes more fulfilling and meaningful in ways that neither of us imagined.
We have children, they have children, and the show continues (Season 56, in which Lonely Boy becomes an emeritus professor of literature, and you reveal a decades-long affair with Jenny's illegitimate son Walter is particularly engrossing). Yet your costars never quite manage to find what we have, and while they are happy for you, they are also sad that life didn't have this in store for them.
I grow old, and begin wearing my trousers rolled (just kidding, I work on the LES, been doing that for yeears). We start an artist's colony for actors and musicians (I'm a composer in my spare time, one of the things that initially endeared you to me), and live out the rest of our years happily until old age gives way to eternity, and time reclaims our bodies.
What are you doing tomorrow night? I thought you'd say that. What about Saturday night? Listen, my schedule is probably a bit more open than yours, so you tell me what works for you.
This is totally something Dan would do for his girl of the moment. (And it would be the exact same combination of earnest, sweet, and groan-worthy.) Go out with him Leighton, go out with him! But maybe also make sure to have a security detail handy in case he wants to lock you in a basement prison somewhere? I'm sure a smart girl like you will take all the necessary precautions.