Hi there. Take a seat — I think we need to have a talk. Look, we all love Arrested Development. Watching an episode or two of Arrested Development every now and then is perfectly normal and totally safe. We've all done it. It can be a great thing when done responsibly, so I don't want you to think I'm just some square who wants to lecture you out of having fun. Everyone likes to cut loose sometimes with a "trip to the banana stand," as you and your friends call it. (People call it that, right?)
But there are some things I'm concerned about, and it's all because of the news that the entire fourth season of the iconic sitcom will be released at the same time on Netflix:
Speaking on the floor of the National Association of Broadcasters convention, Netflix chief Ted Sarandos confirmed that all ten episodes of Arrested's long-awaited fourth season will premiere together on a single day sometime next year.
I know it's going to be tempting to watch all ten episodes in a row immediately. You can probably picture it right now: blinds lowered, door locked. You're sitting on the couch in a leopard-print Snuggie with the remote in your hand. In front of you are two cans of Pringles, one pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream, a gallon of Gatorade, and emergency eye drops. And then you hit play on that first episode, and it's like 2003 again. And you just keep going, and going, until your mind is a swirl of hook hands, chicken impressions, Segways, SLUT t-shirts, Carl Weathers, analrapists, and incest jokes.
But let me tell you what, son: you're going to come out of that daze five hours later, and what will you have then? Sure, you might watch them a second time. Maybe a third. Catch every little background joke, every call back. But soon you'll look around and realize you're right back where you were. And you don't even know when the movie comes out. Is that what you want? Wouldn't it be better to be strong and watch the episodes week-to-week, like a real TV season? Think about it.
(Actually, I'm totally going to watch them all at once. I'm not strong enough not to. Are any of us?)