Watch: Australian Today show anchors joke about penises, masturbation

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So this one Australian had a harrowing experience, a perceived home invasion that reminded him of the importance of keeping a "long and stabby thing" at his bedside. He chats with his coworkers about it, but his coworkers are anchors on the Australian Today show, and they just want to joke about penises and masturbation.

He's literally brought to tears when a female journalist reports that her husband is her "long, stabby thing," one that comes with "a multitude of uses." 

"My husband is useless," says the other female anchor, whose husband hopefully isn't a fan of the show.

The other male anchor claimed that, instead of taking his "long, stabby thing" near the invader, he'd rather "be standing back and whacking him off from a distance." This joke proves to be too much for the boys, and they stalk off the set in laughter.

It kind of makes you want to run onto the set and yell, "PENIS! It's called a penis. Just say penis."