Watch: Secret audition tapes for “Jersey Shore” featuring Jesse Eisenberg and John Lithgow

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On Monday night's Conan, the host revealed that he'd gotten his hands on some secret audition tapes featuring new cast members from the next season of Jersey Shore, and the new lineup isn't what you'd expect.

The new, pasty-white, ensemble cast (according to Conan, anyway), includes D.J. Qualls, Jesse Eisenberg, John Lithgow, and Jack McBrayer (who probably still has bruises from the punches Conan gave him in his documentary.) Pretty much the opposite of the current gang of tanorexic, oompah-loompah-hued pseudo-celebs that have monopolized reserves of ridicule previously expended on the trustafarians from The Hills. Michael Cera might seem to be another candidate along these lines, but having already been taught the finer points of "beating up the beat" and blowdrying, he probably had seen enough.