With the official announcement that Glenn Beck would be leaving Fox News later this year, we can now stop wondering whether or not the flamboyant host will be abandoning the conservative citadel and start wondering what he'll do next. The man already wears many hats — novelist, radio host, rodeo-less rodeo clown — it wouldn't be surprising to see him move on to a different field entirely. So, in the interest of rampant speculation, here are a few career choices well suited for Mr. Beck:
Lifetime Original Movie Screenwriter: Look, I'm not going to lie to you and pretend like I've read all of Beck's Overton Window, a novel about the grand conspiracy to topple America's government. I haven't. What I have read is the preview on Amazon, and I can tell you this: if anyone can conjure the necessary histrionics associated with the Lifetime Network, it is Beck.
Picture it: a young girl from the heartland — let's call her Liberty — goes off to college with just her wits and an astounding array of sweater sets. There she meets a dashing man — let's call him B. — who intrigues and scares her. Her family and friends warn her to be careful, but Liberty is consumed by passion and the two elope. It is only after they've wed that she discovers his ties to known terrorist organizations, his hidden stash of ground-to-air missiles, and his secret first wife, Michelle! He could call it Mother, May I Sleep With Radical Islamic Socialism?
General Manager, TGI Friday's: When I look at Glenn Beck, I think he looks exactly like a person I would hate to work under. More specifically, I can picture him lecturing me about the importance of listening to customers after I bring someone a margarita the size of a human head instead of a mudslide the size of a human head. I also feel like the red and white stripes would suit him.
Bar Mitzvah DJ: That title's probably too limiting, though — I'm sure Beck could also do bat mitzvahs, sweet sixteens, quinceañeras, etc. I'm assuming here; my Westchester adolescence means I mostly went to the first two. But the parties are identical, and what's a good parent-sponsored teenage event without an older, slightly doughy man pretending he knows who Taio Cruz is? Nothing says "today, you are a man" like a glimpse of our unceasing march towards obsolescence.
Beck's oversized gestures and love of enthusiastic shouting make him the perfect guy to "pump up the crowd," as the adults would say, and we already know he's good with props. And I get the feeling he actually likes dancing to "Hot, Hot, Hot" in plastic leis and incongruously large sunglasses. So remember: when you go with Glenn's Turntable Patriots, you're guaranteed an evening little Rachel or Benjamin will Never Forget!
Stock Photography Model: In all of two minutes on Beck's official website, I've already seen pictures of him pretending to be a soldier, a prisoner, a cowboy, a gay adoptive father, and a person with something significant to contribute to the national political discourse. Beck obviously likes dress-up, and it's well known advice that you should do what you love. What high-quality image does your company need? An adult man sobbing? A conspiracy nut with the chalkboard of a serial killer? Someone dressed like Jobriath chopping vegetables? Glenn Beck is your man.
Overpaid Public Speaker/Millionaire: Oh wait. This is the one he is definitely, definitely going to do.