Good news, Connecticutters! (Connecticutians? Connecticutites?) Your governor has just signed into law a bill that requires Connecticut service-industry companies with over fifty employees to provide paid sick leave! For every forty healthy hours you work, you attain one sick hour. By my math, that means you only have to work 320 hours to take a paid sick day. Things are looking up for the labor movement!
Yesterday, real American hero Joey Chestnut dramatically shoved sixty-two soggy hot dogs down his big American throat to win the Nathan's hot-dog eating competition. If you've ever wondered how the human stomach can hold so much bread and meat parts, then today is your lucky day (with X-rays!). Also, be sure to check out Sex Advice From Competitive Eaters.
This is a list of beautiful and crazy killers entitled "Hot Female Murderers That You Would Probably Go Home With." There's a joke about my ex-girlfriend in there somewhere, I am sure.
If you ever get arrested in the Mexican state of Quintana Roo, and your lover brings with her to the conjugal-visit trailer a black suitcase just large enough for you to curl up in the fetal position into, don't try to escape from jail in that suitcase. It just isn't going to work.
Speaking of prison, the guy was probably just trying to escape because there was no porno up in there! A Michigan inmate (who did not try to escape in his lover's American Tourister) is suing his jail for "cruel and unusual punishment" because they won't allow him to look at pornography. There's a joke about my ex-girlfriend in there somewhere, I am sure.