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In the contest for sexiest photo of the week, Jessica Simpson’s bun in her bare oven is trumped by these gastro-pornographic miracles. It’s okay to have adulterous thoughts while in a closed relationship so long as it's about phallic ham, right?
Now, all of these men (who you probably had a crush on) look like your father. But your father probably didn’t commit statutory rape or overdose on, like, everything.
Cirque du Soleil’s Michael Jackson THE IMMORTAL — which seems to have gracefully sidestepped being the pedophiliac-circus equivalent of It — is the highest-grossing concert tour so far this year.
Madonna sucks up to her gay fan base by having her gay fan base suck on one another near/around/on/(in?) her in her newest video.
The effect of the big, bad solar storm: your sexts might get sent to your mother or Sir Francis Drake or — God forbid — to no one at all. Plus, beautiful shit like this happens.
Jezebel takes an obvious — but perhaps needed — cultural relativist stance on "the Olive Garden Lady" — the snarkily rechristened Marilyn Hagerty.