You know what? Someone's gotta say this, so I will. Fuck Adele. Fuck "Someone Like You." Fuck "Set Fire to the Rain." Fuck Lionel Richie and Jeff Buckley and Morrissey and James Taylor and whoever else writes songs that make you wail like an ambulance siren from the first chord onward. There's a new breakup ballad by Rachel Bloom ("I Steal Pets," "Fuck Me Ray Bradbury") that's about to tear through the pop charts, and she makes all you whiners look like like Katrina and the fuckin' Waves.
Bloom's song, "Pictures of Your Dick," is emotionally raw. It is relatable, at times uncomfortably so. It is, at its trembling, naked core, the tale of a universal human struggle. And if you aren't moved to tears by the tale of a woman who is so devastated by her failed relationship that she can only muster the strength to post pictures of her beloved's genitals on the internet, then you, sir, are made of pure granite. GRANITE, I SAY.