Sorry, everyone: Bennett of “Texts From Bennett” isn’t real

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If you're like me, you were probably sent by no fewer than three people to this week's new big Tumblr, Texts From Bennett, which purported to be a compendium of texts received by the blog's creator from his seventeen-year-old, "white boy who thinks he's a Crip" cousin, Bennett. The messages were a nearly incomprehensible mix of text speak, painful attempts at urban slang, the worst malapropisms this side of Family Circus, and misspellings so painful they would make your high-school English teacher commit ritual suicide. In general, they were also pretty hilarious (all two pages of them).

But, as the Smoking Gun has now discovered, no matter what the blog's header assures us ("Yes, these are 100%), there is no seventeen-year-old cousin named Bennett:

“Bennett” is the creation of David Sheldon, the 30-year-old Kansas rapper known as Mac Lethal (who had a bookend Internet hit this week with his speed rap version of a Chris Brown song)…

While Sheldon has said that “Bennett” actually exists and the texts are “100% real,” the rapper’s own father today directly contradicted those claims.

Asked by TSG if his son had a 17-year-old cousin named Bennett, Sheldon’s father, also named David, laughed and said, “That’s what he says.”

When reached for comment by the site, Sheldon criticized the Smoking Gun for "trying to ruin the fun," which I guess isn't wrong, but come on. This?

Was not written by an idiot teenager, because an idiot teenager 1. wouldn't know who Vincent Van Gogh is and 2. definitely wouldn't know that he cut off one of his ears to send to a woman and 3. would never, never confuse him with Vince Vaughn. Idiot teenagers fucking love Vince Vaughn, I'm sure.

But this doesn't mean you still can't laugh at it! Laugh to your heart's content, just remember that half of the stuff you find on the internet isn't real. Not that random hot girl who friended you on Facebook, not that email your aunt sent you about how iPads are giving people rosacea, and not that friendly Nigerian prince who has an exciting offer for you, most trustworthy Man of CAPABILITY under GOD. (Well, maybe that last one is real. Hit him up with your SSN and let me know how it goes.)