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Steve Martin writes an open letter to Eddie Murphy on how not to be a bad Oscars host

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Former Oscars host Steve Martin

The internet is great for all sorts of things — five-minute-long videos of kittens playing with balls of string, real-time streams of penises, money-making schemes (I recently got into contact with a Nigerian prince over email, and I'm totally going to milk him for all he's got!) — yet the most valuable gift that the internet has given me is the reminder that Steve Martin is funny. Really funny. 

When I came across the comic's Twitter feed, it was as if I'd just had a bite of rice pudding after ten years of abstaining from the strangely-textured treat. Suddenly, I couldn't remember why I had ever stopped eating rice pudding. I regaled to all my friends the wonders of rice pudding. I just couldn't get enough of rice pudding. Except instead of rice pudding, Steve Martin! 

Today, Martin penned an open letter to this year's Oscars host Eddie Murphy on his blog
. In the letter, Martin offers sage advice from his many years of emceeing the awards ceremony. The letter is charming, warm and effortlessly witty. (Basically, classic rice pudding.) The comic reminds his Bowfinger costar to feign an appropriate sympathy to losers — nothing too showy! — and mocks Murphy's "paunchy" physique. At one point he provides a sort of Oscars backup plan:

"If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him."

If I may offer an addendum: don't just throw some sheet music, Mr. Murphy — throw the sheet music for "Greatest Love of All." And feel free to join in