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July 12, 2011
Sex Advice From Tattooed Brooklyn Baristas
Q: “Do you get hit on by a lot of customers?” A: “Oh, that guy? Nah, he’s just a regular.”
By Carly Pifer
Matty, 26
Works at The Outpost Cafe, Clinton Hill
What’s the sexiest coffee-based drink?
It depends on who you are and what your mood’s like. If you’re having a bad day, I’m like, “You need whipped cream in your life."
What’s the best way to pick someone up when you’re working?
I usually call the order for pick up, so I’ll take it to their table, and maybe give them a free muffin.
What’s the best come-on you’ve ever gotten from a customer?
A direct one: “Do you have a boyfriend?”
Would you ever date someone in a suit?
Maybe.
You don’t get a lot of suits around here though.
No, we don’t. When we do I’m like, “Excuse me?”
Why are baristas better in bed?
We know what you want.
And you just serve it up with foam?
Exactly. And then I’m always like, “You just got served.”
A coworker and I recently started sleeping together and now we're in a quasi-relationship. Nobody knows yet. I’m getting kind of tired of sneaking around. How do we come out to everyone we work with?
Play it cool. See where it goes first. If you need to open it up to the whole staff, then do it. But for the most part, if you work at a coffee shop, you’re tight with everyone, and everyone is making out with everyone anyway.
I accidentally had a one-night stand with a guy and now I want more than just more sex. How do I turn our sexy night into a relationship?
I would say you could, but we’re in New York City so, no way. People are not looking to commit in this world; they’re just looking for fun and games. The funny thing is, I’m a committed person. I want to be with someone, but it’s so hard.
What's the best way to ask my boyfriend to use my vibrator in bed without him feeling threatened by all the buzzing?
Oh, my gosh. [Laughs] I guess take him out to dinner and have a talk with him.
Get him drunk?
Yeah, have a couple of shots and then introduce the two of them. Say, “Boyfriend, this is my vibrator. Vibrator, boyfriend."
Any other sex advice?
Make sure you just wrap it up and do it safe.
Tags
Hooking Up
Commentarium (27 Comments)
Eric, you are so damn sexy! Such a shame you are for the gays because I would do nasty things to you.
second this
Aw, too cute. And I learned about "green-screening".
Kate was hilarious and surprisingly refreshing
Yeah, Kate's awesome. Plus, I'm a Verb customer, so good to know!
Also, baristas have become the new bartenders/rock stars....Their attractiveness is increased tenfold by the fact that they are serving you coffee
So, so true.
A friend who used to work in a coffeeshop tells me that getting crush on your regular barista is so common it's cliche. The way she puts it, "They might not be getting laid much right now. I could be the MOST STIMULATING part of their day."
That said, is it just me, or was all this advice a little...crap? Kate's all right, but that last guy was in a hipster fog so thick you could choke on it.
thanks lezbeth
"You don’t get a lot of suits around here though. - No, we don’t. When we do I’m like, 'Excuse me?'"
I bet you a zillion internet dollars that if someone gave him the same attitude for going into a high-end place in his torn-ass denim vest, he'd complain that he's being judged.
i wouldn't call these people heavily tattooed. as far as brooklyn baristas go.
I'm guessing that neither do you know your rectum from your cakehole.
You are not the real Moops. I am.
Also, I'm Spartacus.
You're all going to laugh at me, but I thought Tattooed Brooklyn Baristas was the name of a band.
I like it
That would be an awesome name for a band. Me like.
Matty makes me think of what a young tatted-up Joey Tribbiani could have been. Sigh!
Kate is as hot as she is unhappy.
I'm glad watermelon lemonade is back
Matty, please take the septum ring out. I don't want anything distracting me while I admire your adorable face.
Boo to Eric's vibrator advice - but hey, whatever works for you.
yeah, what the hell? "oh sorry, I would totally want you to have an orgasm but like my ego's super fragile so just keep faking it." anyone who outright rejects trying new things, especially things that are pretty common like toys, is probably shite in bed. if your ego is so fragile that you can't handle your lover telling you what they want, then you don't deserve to be having sex.
Ridiculous. Also, I find the following appalling:
"Like, I date multiple people, but I don’t want them to date anyone else. "
Total d-bag, double-standard territory here.
You put the lime in the coconut and drink the airtlce up.
Just checked Eric's blog. Get well soon, best of luck. Much love xx
thanks mirror
I usually find these "Sex Advice from..." to be amusing but trite, as they're meant to be. But Kate's directness is awesome. I bet some customers have memorized her shifts.