I was once in possession of an amazing sex tape. My rock-star-thin ex-boyfriend made it while we were still dating. He looked incredible in it, and watching it made me long for the days when my body was still that taut and pliant; when I had little or no sexual shame, and I never gave much thought to the consequences of taping things you didn't want anyone else to see. In the case of my ex's video, this would include me. See, I wasn't supposed to see the tape because I am not on the tape having sex with my boyfriend. Other braver, dumber, hotter girls are.
Needless to say, it wasn't a long relationship. We broke up over this tape, over the fact that he so callously left it out for me to "accidentally" find while he was out of town. After some harsh words and tortured phone calls, I tearfully returned the original video to him. I have no regrets about keeping our sex off-camera. But I also don't have any evidence that I was once a recklessly drunk, stupid, skinny, daring, bold young woman, just as the women on his tape were, and just like Paris Hilton, the socialite and hotel heiress, is now.
I am in my mid-thirties. The first time I held a videocamera was in high school media class, back when the idea of owning one was as remote as having a big white yacht, a fluffy mink or a summer house in Biarritz. Once, I was allowed to take the camera home after I signed a waiver promising that if I broke it I would be responsible for bankrupting my family. I walked around the house taping my sister and brothers eating, watching TV, fake-picking their noses, smoking, laughing and talking. It was a masterpiece of banality. But later, watching it play back on our VCR, we were transfixed. Even after I returned the camera, we played the tape over and over again. To this day, we trot it out at Christmas because it's the only video we have of our mother, who died years ago. In it, my brothers, sister and I look so young and unself-conscious, so innocent and beautiful. When I watch my sixteen-year-old self on tape, some part of me laments those tiny, pert breasts, the days when I didn't need a bra to play soccer.
Fast forward fifteen years. I now make a living as a freelance video journalist. I own a fancy Canon XL-1, top-of-the-line Sony wireless mikes and a light kit. Since I bought the camera five years ago, not one boyfriend has picked up my camera without implying that it could be put to much better use in the bedroom. I always laugh it off, pull the thing out of their grimy paws and place it safely back in its bag.
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If I were twenty-one now, my own embarrassing fare would be on the internet.
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I would never do it. Why? In part because I know the consequences of committing sex to tape. It will be shown to others. It will end up in the wrong hands. It will come back to haunt you. But mostly, because it's too late. The days of being unself-conscious about my body, of recklessly having sex with reckless boys and their anxious cameras, are over.
But I tell you, if I were twenty-one now, if I'd grown up inured to the role videocameras play in most young people's lives, there would be a smattering of my own embarrassing fare out there online — entirely because of booze, balls and the pushy, horny boys I tended to attract back then. Girls Gone Wild should have seen us in Acapulco, me and my friend Belinda, both of us sexy and seventeen, drunk, stupid and half-dressed at the end of every ladies' night. We drank for free, stumbled home and woke covered in mystery bruises, our makeup shifted one inch down our faces, a couple of guys from Oklahoma sneaking out of our hotel room, the two of us muffling our giggles under the blanket. There might be a photo or two documenting how stupid, young and beautiful we were in Mexico, on spring break, snapping the heels of our Candies on the cobblestone roads in Old City. But I doubt it. For the most part, these debauched episodes are mere mental images, blurry memories only rarely fondly recalled.
These days, there are cameras on computers, cameras on cellphones, cameras on cars, in taxis, and on practically every street corner. In Toronto, outside the studio of MuchMusic (Canada's MTV), there is "Speaker's Corner", a twenty-four-hour video booth designed to let people vent their frustrations and leave feedback for the channel. As a student, I once bartended at the network's Christmas party, where a continuous loop of "Speaker's Corner" outtakes was projected on a giant screen. I watched footage of drunken frat boys getting blowjobs from stoned tarts, their faces digitally blurred to preserve their anonymity. One young woman pressed her tits to the screen; while her nipples stayed in place, she moved the enormous flesh of her breasts around in mesmerizing circles, then vomited and left the booth. Who knows how many of those people are now happily married, running for office, and changing diapers? They certainly knew someone was going to watch this. It’s doubtful they’d look back on this with the kind of regret Paris Hilton is no doubt feeling. But she’s famous for being famous, so to watch this tape is to watch her shoddy kind of fame reach its hollow, sordid apex (or nadir).
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Paris is a willing starlet, a masterful director, not a girl so drunk that she's being taken advantage of.
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Judging from the three-minute Paris "sampler" that's been circulating online, you can't help thinking she must have known these tapes would be distributed. Her demeanor, her coy asides, her shrewd positioning, her tipsy preening completely give her away. There's no sense she's enjoying the actual sex, only the anticipation of being watched. The guy she's with is a creepy prat, someone who comes across as a rotten lay, a thrusting, grunting knucklehead who's memorized the awful banter of professional porn and transplanted it to his California bedroom. It doesn't help that it's shot on night vision.
But you can still tell that Paris is a willing starlet, a masterful director, not a girl so drunk that she's being taken advantage of, as her family needs and wants you to believe. (She's so thin and pliable, she should register her body as a font. Our Times New Vixen, maybe. Or Hellcatvetica. She's a sideways N while giving head, a P on its spine taking it from behind, her head conveniently cropped to complete the picture. I anxiously await the alphabetical possibilities in her rumored threesome tape.)
I did make a copy of my ex-boyfriend's documented infidelities. I watched it once or twice, and when it no longer made me angry or sad, I destroyed it. But jealousy lingers. Not because he cheated on me with beautiful women, but because he has something I never will: evidence that he used to be ridiculously attractive, decadent and foolish.
Along with the rest of the world, Paris Hilton will always have those images looped and playing in her brain. I'd like to tell her that when she's pushing forty, and a stroller, perhaps lining up for Botox injections and fat extractions, she should think of this awful episode only as a reminder that she was once young and beautiful and stupid. There's no sin in that. The sin is that being young, beautiful and stupid is sadly and terribly fleeting. n°
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: |
| ©2003 Lisa Gabriele and Nerve.com |
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Commentarium (62 Comments)
Dear Lisa,
Although I love photography and treasure every picture of my personal history, I've never been able to make use of videotape because of the overwhelming poignancy that medium would create. The moving, speaking, breathing vision of the deep sweetness of every temporal living moment would be too much for me.
Yours in stillness,
Nancy Ryder
I agree... the moving picture is indelible, but so is still photography. I think what the author means is that video is something that's in a lot of young people's lives in the way that maybe the Polaroid was in an older generation's. Frankly I'd rather have a few Polaroids of my naked lying around than a couple hours of video. That is for sure.
There is nothing particulary nostalgic about being young, stupid and drunk. Especially with a guy who has no class, charm or any other redeeming quality and is even more stupid than Paris. What a pair of idiots. (The guy she chose to have this "intimate" relationship with has about as much grace and skill in bed as a land-locked walrus.)
i once went home with a coworker to fix her washing machine. turns out there was nothing wrong with it at all... she was married, even... her husband was in jail and they showed him this infrared video of her and me that they shot thru the window. didn't do him any good. apparently they had been to bolivia. whether the charges were trumped up or not, i don't know. i always ask if they are married as a result of that incident. never saw the tape, but she said it was good. i felt remorse about not asking details, but that was 15 years ago, chalk it up to the exuberance of youth...
what a poignant piece. who'd a thunk you can take a scanky episode like this and give me a lump in my throat about itt?
The discovery of the significant other's sexual exploits is not limited to women. I found my girlfriend's electronic record of past exloits. This unexpected discovery certainly puts a different spin on things.
This author ROCKS! Has she written anything else?
kingofthebritons@hotmail.com
This is a lovely little Ishiguro-esque bit of melancholia, as applied to the ravages of time and the temporary tensile strength of connective tissue. If the great man chose to write his sequel to "Remains of the Day", he'd entitle it "Do you remember those tits we had"
OK, maybe not. . .
But this is a lovely essay, and points out that what we really regret is not the imprudence of youth, but the loss of opportunity to be imprudent.
Does Mom on the carpool line, thinking back to her Junior Year Abroad, ever sigh to herself and say "boy I sure am glad that we didn't go to the hotel with those Portugese boys?" Nope. Even if it might have ended in disaster, dangers averted sit in apposition to a common desire to have had one's day in the sun. . . and if one's had one's day when young, then one can look forward to advising one's daughters not to do any of the things you used to do.
wow was fully prepared to sneer at this premise, thinking it was going to be some post-feminist diatribe about "choice" and all that bullshit, instead it goes much much deeper and makes me admit, reluctantly,that I understand what the writer is saying...thanks nerve, I will check you out more often....
A naked Meg Ryan is far sexier in "In the Cut", a stunning woman in her early 40s, in her prime. Yes, the movie is violent and doesn't really go anywhere, but my girlfriend was astounded at her looks and wanton feline sexuality. I certainly liked it, and our sex session after the movie was very hot. As for Hilton, I think the Pam Anderson-Tommy Lee sex tape was far hotter as they both looked down as he put his big log in her very hot cunt, driving her nuts as he tormented her little man in the boat! Her joy and grimacing was very hot and the guy has staying power!
The word is definitely "nadir," hers and ours. At least I hope so.
Thank you. I hadn't been able to say that, but yes, that's what I meant. I suppose she's embarrassed, and certainly the guy's a complete twit, but in the end who cares? She had sex. Great. Heck, _I've_ had sex. There's not a lot of shame in that. I suppose it is far more about us, (and I am embarrassed to admit, that includes me), gawking at her having sex as if it were somehow remarkable. Yup. She has a pretty young body. Clearly, she's enjoying it now, well, _then_, she won't always have it; so why not play with it while she can? (If Ms. Hilton were interested in [free] advice, I'd suggest she leave off the eye makeup; it looks a little scarey in the dark, and not all that much better in the light.)
Ah yes, you only get to be young, beautiful and thin once. After 30, it's all gone - all you have to look forward to are days full of ironing and crying over your sagging breasts, pining for the days when you were humped and drilled by a never ending barrage of date rapists.
This article does nothing to change my perception of the Paris Hilton tape, it just paints a picture of the author as a haggard has-been who has no concept of enduring and maturing sex and beauty. I feel more sorry for you than I do for her. Come to terms with aging, take control of your body image, and then check back in with us.
The author's premise is sadly true, the (Platonic ) aesthetic ideal is young and beautiful, especially young. And after a certain age beauty is be found elsewhere...in the case of Paris, it doesn't look like it is to be found in her character or deportment. She must start to develop as a human being or her kind of beauty swiftly turns ugly...
I don't see anything wrong with Paris making that tape because i'm sure her intentions were not to post it for sale all over the Internet. She just failed in thinking about the ways that the tape could come back to haunt her in the future. We all have stories that we can share about a sexual episode in our lives that we are not very proud of, she just fell victim to her own fame. Would this tape have been circulated if she were a more lo-key heiress?? If she wasn't constantly seen table dancing and drunk in clubs from New York to Tokyo. If she wasn't drop dead gourgeous and filthy rich, would somone had bothered putting that tape out there. Of course not! Her mistake wasn't making the tape. She's blowing up and someone is obviosly very envious of her good fortune.
Paris put the video out herself to get more exposure for her upcoming reality show. You can't tell me that this video coming out a month before her show debuts was just coincedence. BS!!! I'm not buying it. All she is interested in is fame and self-promotion and this tape is another way for her to achieve that.
Who said she was drunk in this video?
Paris is making it difficult for a lot of you beautiful women out there to get taken seriously. she prances around the world half dressed, drunk, and out of control. Who the hell is gonna take this woman seriously. She is giving women a bad name. She's slept with half of Hollywood and she really hasn't done anything special or out of the ordinary to get any real respect besides being born a billionaire. Someone from a background like that she have more to offer society than a drunken table dance and a cheap porno flick. She should be ashamed of herself.
This is a terrific article, smart, funny, and wistful. Bravo Nerve....
What great writing. Thanks!
The only depth she rec'd was doggie style...get seriously real.
This is a terrific piece, one of the best I've read about this stupid, stupid subject, now let's leave it alone, okay?
again, better written than what's seen..I weighed in on her review of "Hysterical Blindness" and had the same "trouble"....ms. gabrielle's views are often better "observed" than what she's "observing"....usually a compliment...ie: there's something comendable in this, but there's something equally disturbing, too, just don't know what that is.... anyone care to share????
I really don't know where your "defense of Paris Hilton" is?
Yes she was willing, not drunk, and her boyfriend, from what i can tell, seems like a typical guy all excited to have such a beauty in his bed. The video seems like a playful activity between two silly, nieve, not so bright people. No matter how willing she was in the video, we can not assume she wanted it to go public. This is where her boyfriend comes in as a truly sleezy character. I think fixating on the point that she liked being video-taped speaks to mens rape fantacies that the girl really liked it.
No matter how giggly she is in the video, this does not excuse the boyfriends abuse of her rights.
gmc,I was about to write something similar, with another take...like, why do we exonerate men when they're as drunk as the women they're boning? Thinking I should change my major at Columbia from Crim. Law to Family law. Who has ownership of these kinds of tapes??? Nerve, hello???
wirte this and actually write something new????
I am the author....hey folks. Thanks. It's nice to come on this site....
Read your criticism/support et al. I also think there's a "how to" piece in all this. Maybe not for me to write....but anyone else? These tapes exist. What do you do with them? Or rather, what don't you do with them?
Ethically and otherwise????
I couldn't feel less like you do about Paris Hilton. I don't find her particularly beautiful, or even particularly emblematic of youth or health or whatever aesthetic ideal it is she is to represent. She is a shiny young thing whose youth, even, is boring. There's nothing brave about her being naked, nothing elegiac in watching it as an older woman. I'd rather see an uninhibited older, more interesting woman, any case. Yes, bigger, too. Who really cares. The idea that Paris Hilton infects *any* woman's sense of self, with any melancholy, or sense of Temps Perdu, or anything, makes me furious and bored, simultaneously. WHOOOOOOOOOOOO CARES. Who cares.
Thanks for the balanced view. I, too, am glad there was no tape of my past. And I am glad that I have all those times that get played through the gauze of my memory. It is a nice piece of writing.
Hey, I was never thin and lithe even when I was eighteen- it's not a given. But yes, there are polaroids of me. By the way, some of you feedbackers don't half talk a load of bollocks.
JUST WONDERFUL!
i didn't check out the video-just wanted to read another side of the story. i had photos taken of me when i was in my twenties. i was gouded into it by my husband at the time, we went to a beach up pacific highway 1 that allowed nudity,(maybe because of all the rock crevices).I was so angry at him that i took my top off and made "love" to the beach. my breasts were "gorgiousa". ah to have those pictures now. i would frame them and put them on the walls.
i liked your font thing...good writing that bit
I don't think Lisa Gabriele should worry- she's still young enough, still beautiful, and *not* stupid- a hot combination.
amen sister.
How american of you to think that way. To be ashamed of your own body, when in fact, the older you are, the more connected with your sexuality you should be. And if you're not, too bad for you. You don't have to be 21 to want to tape your ass. You can do it anytime and feel good about it.
To the last poster...It's not only Americans that think this way, the author is Canadian after all. She's just stating the obvious. How can you argue with the fact that the average person (I stress average) around the world would rather see a fresh ass pumping and pushing? Remember the context we're talking about. It's not that other types of bodies aren't considered beautiful--by many-including me--it's just (sadly) not a widely held truism. Not every woman has Demi Moore's ability to institute a financial jihad on her body, to perpetuate a masquerade of youth and vitality. As a guy,(yes educated, yes feminist--I have three Women's Studies courses under my, ahem, belt--and yes young, I'm 23) But sorry, I'd rather watch someone like Paris having sex than someone my mom's age (45). Or my mom. Because that's what I'm picturing. Seriously. I'm 23. The best porn is about fantasy and not reality. Paris fits the bill, unfortunately, or fortunately, for me, and several of my friends at Duke. Several. Thanks Paris, and thanks to the author for not making us feel so shitty about it.
After all that eloquent prose, I remain in the dark about why I should care.
If Paris wasn't drunk enough to be taken advantage off, all we see on that tape is a preening, self-absorbed bimbo -- a celebrity-for-her-celebrity, making another play to enhance her celebrity bank.
Well, hell, if she wants to be famous for making "drunken" sex tapes or sticking her arm up a cows ass on Reality[tm] TV, that's fine -- I'll even watch the former. But "depth"? "Courage"? Huh.... Nope. I'll just stick with stupid. I have a pretty hard time getting excited about stupid.
BTW: I also fail to see how the dick's mastery of "the awful banter of professional porn" differs from her "masterful" direction. They're both reading off the same script. If he's a prat, so is she.
Maybe there's something freakishly wrong with me, but I have never been able to understand what is beautiful and strong about getting drunk and sleeping with people you don't recognize. Just because you know better than to risk contracting syphilis now doesn't mean that you're not as worthy as when you were twenty.
it's all about U.
what a drag, i thought it was pertinent.
try writing about what you CLAIM to be writing about.
lurv-ly
"I'd like to tell her that when she's pushing forty, and a stroller, perhaps lining up for Botox injections and fat extractions, she should think of this awful episode only as a reminder that she was once young and beautiful and stupid."
Does a more maudlin sentence (or article for that matter) exist in the English language? Video is often poignant when there is an emotional stake to a loved one--not just the romaticized version of your self-loved past. If you took a good look at that personal video of your boyfriend, I'll bet the "rockstar thin " dude looks like a wimpy knot of nastiness. Give me someone 40, beautiful and intelligent--minus the greener grass of the past.
The sin is that being young,beautiful and stupid is sadly and terribly fleeting. - I really like the why you ended your essay "in defense of paris hilton" and i guess, it will be from this statement, that i will begin my reply to you. you mention that you are in your thirties and since i am no teenager myself, i would speak to you as a peer. Now, we were all young, maybe not wasted, foolish and not stupid, but all of us were given that pristine chance by nature to feel the rush of energy and immortality in each and every vein, making us almost capable of doing anything, and as time passes, maturity and quiet wisdom sets in. Dear lady, no doubt that you, not unlike many women out there, who have been unluckily associated with less than perfect man who took advantage, thinks that it is still in vogue to champion female causes regardless of how ridiculous or erronous they may be. "This one is for my sister." You all stand and proclaim, but egos aside, isn't this the era in which "more experienced" women should gently persuade their younger proteg
You capture well the dichotomistic nature of wanting to put myself on tape for long-in-the-future, personal remembrances, and the short- and medium-term dangers of doing so.
Woukld have LOVED to have sent feed back, but once again, the Nerve server doesn't function....why are we wasting money with these people???
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I don
Lisa you are waaaaay sexier than Paris. Obviously. Doesn't take much, but seriously, don't bother wistfully pining for the beauty and stupidity of youth; you are so much more.
WOW! What an excellent, memory provoking essay. I too, was once young, beautiful, thrill-seeking, and stupid(& VERY LUCKY!) You're right, those times are fleeting. I'd do it again in a heartbeat! Foolish behaviour without regret...Party on Paris, you're only young once. Make the most of it!
what a lovely piece.
Good perspective on nearly frivolous occurance.
Could use a more accurate title.
you sold me, I was hesitant at first. Men can sometimes feel the same way, although I think we think we are always nineteen.
I think this is all very interesting but it misses the whole point. There's absolutley no reason why Paris Hilton aught to be distressed over this video tape. It's obvious she's an attractive, sexually active young woman and the fact that she does or did make a tape of something we all knows she does should not surprise or bother anyone. And even if it did she still should not care. Perhaps for us lesser mortals it could negatively impact our social lives or careers, but she's gorgeous and absurdly rich. Nobody really cares if celebrities do things that would cost us our jobs because most of them don't even have real jobs. There are no consequences in her world (which is probably why she's as impulsive as she is) and the fact that some grainy nightvision camera happened to video tape her in the act of sex with the man she was dating shouldn't make any difference. I say Paris should stop giving teary eyed interviews and tell people to fuck off. It's not like she needs to make the media happy, she can buy and sell their asses.
In the end people are stupid and irrational and this shouldn't even be a deal. It makes me want to make a sex tape with Paris Hilton just so I can not care if people see it. and that's the only reason.
Bullcrap.
Her character is evident and it is sad.
She deserves the backlash, she may even
have wanted it this way. I continue to
deplore the Puritan streak that runs thru
typical American mores... it may never die.
However, in this case I believe the reaction is
justified. Strumpets like 'Miss Hilton' give her
sex as a whole, a bad name.
I have never seen a blonde that didn't repulse me. Since I was a child, blonde women have never seemed attractive in any way, and this distaste has never been manufactured. Yet even though she may be cheap, etc... due to this scandalous sex video and her conduct around the world, she is the only beautiful blonde that I have ever seen. I don't want a date with her nor would I flatter myself, ever, but Paris Hilton really is gorgeous. I have never seen a blonde like her, anywhere, and I have been around the world. And yes, if I wasn't already married, I would make love with her. That's if, of course, she would have me too.
That was beautiful. TS
I loved yor piece, but I should have read other feedback before responding.
I am irritated with the absolute failure of patriarchy to recognize feminine sexuallity and female awareness of their own sexuality.
The same effect happened with Bill and Monica. It was inconceivable that a 20 something woman could enjoy sex/oral sex and therefore was seduced by power and abused against her will. This is very close to the defination of rape, but women are not allowed to express their sexuallity. A similar occurance was manifest within and without the film "Basic Instinct" and Sharon Stone's infamous beaver shot. During interviews, Sharon denied any foreknowledge of the director intent to include that shot in the film despite the polished use of lighting and camera work.
If Paris wants to make a video, more power to ya baby. I like to watch myself fuck, most people do, but I'm a guy and therefore not suspect. The most telling point is no one is branding the lame dick in the video with a scarlet V.
It's nice being rich, I guess! There's no end to the excuses others will make for you. If she's stupid, she now sees what other people have to go through who don't have it made like "Miss Paris Hilton". Her human emptiness have only caught up with her. She is a slut and it's not only because of this video.
i remember some stodgy old physicist saying that the young are allowed a little foolishness as a matter of course. i can't remember if he was talking about me directly, but i do remember empathizing with that line of work.
tom adams
"The sin is that being young, beautiful and stupid is sadly and terribly fleeting." Why is the ephemeral nature of youth a sin? The sin is not using your youth till you die.
Great article.
O.K,
Paris Hilton is filthy rich (and I'm not),she's very young,very pretty,smart,has a georgeous body,a lot of fun, and is starting to be successfull as an artist,she travels in a limousine,and what ever she does,she'll never ever will need to worry about her rent.So she is upset because somebody taped her while having sex? Buuuaaaaa!!!!!and now she's getting this "slutty" reputation that is giving her tons and tons of free publicity).FUCK PARIS HILTON AND LET HER ROT IN HELL.
(Jealous in Harlem)
very well written
I am curious just what Alfredo says with this :D
Dominic
Now you say something