What about none of the above? I don't understand the fuss about wives standing by their whoring hounds of husbands. Fucking hookers is like smoking doobies — it's illegal but it really shouldn't be, it's none of my business, and the spouse gets mad only if they don't enjoy doing the same thing themselves.
My friend Bernie, in her demure way, disagrees: "I don't see the world as a place where women need to stand by shit-stained men in a sham family to show the kids what family means."
But family means different things to different people.
So does marriage. Sex is not the most important thing in so many marriages.
On TV, various groupings of three female pundits keep discussing infidelity as if it were one, clear thing, as if politicians and preachers are different from us, as if because they talk about fidelity and righteousness they have to live it. Writers and philosophers talk about freedom and truth — does that mean we live it perfectly? It's our job, our desire, our wish, and focus. That doesn't mean we got it down. Who are those TV pundits to say what faithfulness means in Spitzer's marriage, anymore than any three people can decide what freedom means to somebody else?
Me, I would leave him because he embezzled, not because he left his shin-high black socks on with a professional. I used to follow scandals for details like that, for the same reason I watch Divorce Court: I'm curious about people. I don't care if it's the president or my balding neighbor. I want to know what the socks mean. Did he take his pants down to the ankles for a blowjob, then kick the pants off and dive in without remembering to remove socks? Do you do that when you're spending $30,000 in one night? Or does he think he has ugly feet, and left them on purposely? Normally I would raise these questions to various people, turning the "salacious details" into a springboard for discussion, for investigation into the human psyche.
But after certain experiences in my personal life, I have come to see these details as heartaches.
"Spitzer was into diapers!" my best friend gasped to me over the phone, not even bothering to say "hi" first. That used to cause me glee, too, and a feeling that I'd learned something. But what does that tell us, really? We already know some men are into being diapered. If he is, how does that affect his job, his children, his marriage? Maybe not at all. If someone wants diapers, I think they should have them. How many men have yearned, secretly and ashamedly, for diapers, and gone without, out of fear? Are those men really so much better than someone who just friggin' goes for the diapers? I always prefer the one who lives his dreams, no matter what. If only, if only, Spitzer had spent his own money doing it, though. Oh!
During my three-year divorce/custody battle, my sexuality — and suppositions about my sexuality — were used against me in areas of my life with which it had nothing to do. Contents of my bedroom were included in an investigative report about my parenting. A judge was given several of my Nerve articles to read; he was asked to consider my beliefs, and my job, reasons to take away my ability to make responsible decisions. In a soundproof room, I gave testimony about my past and present sex life; it was videotaped. Social workers spoke to my children's teachers and pediatricians. The IRS got involved.
Although none of that compares to making nationwide news, it did give me a taste of being wondered about aloud. Having to explain why I do what I do in such a one-sided manner (none of the investigators or the gossipers explain what they do at night or at Days' Inn) reinforced my conviction that every couple has the right to — and really must — negotiate what works for them.
At least Spitzer (and I, I guess) have been criticized for our actions. Poor Silda Spitzer is getting nationwide criticism for her reaction to something her husband did. She was trying to maintain the good-wife ideal in a changing situation under great scrutiny. NPR made fun of her by playing "Stand By Your Man." (NPR! They don't make fun of anyone!)
But what reaction would everyone have preferred? What marriage would we have chosen for those two people whom we've never met? Is your marriage or relationship so great? When your heart is trampled, do you demonstrate correct demeanor?
Soon, one supposes, Stockholm Syndrome will set in, and Spitzer and Silda, a la McGreevey and Dinah, will take over our job: they will divorce, turn the newspapers into a public record of the private lives, and publish matching his-and-hers confessional books. n°
©2008 Lisa Carver and Nerve.com