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January 21, 2002
There are two main ways of doing it: sexually or sensually. Sexualists are into sex. Sensualists are into eroticism: stuff that isn't sex but involves the suggestion of sex. Sensualists are romantic — they set the mood. They notice details like texture and scent. They light candles. They have plenty of time and they are ready to explore the options. Baths have a purpose beyond getting clean if you are a sensualist. You take retreats and sabbaticals. You lie in mud. You kiss for a wicked long time. And I suspect you of liking jazz.
Sexualists, on the other hand, are more enthusiastic, garish, brutal. We're on a mission. Food is something we eat when we are hungry. We don't see the whole picture. While the sensualists toil over preparations for the perfect evening, sexualists make do. We screw in our work clothes at a truck stop in five minutes flat. We're just that way. I'm not waiting around while someone lights some damned candles. If you know what you want, why do other stuff first? We sexualists are propelled forward in life, not sideways. While sensualists luxuriate 
among the world's endless possibilities, sexualists live with definite goals, which we pounce on and pummel into submission.
I had sex with a sensualist once. He hung his long hair (ugh!) around my face like a tent, cutting off all my light, and said, "How does that look and feel?" Then he paused. I realized he was waiting for me to compliment him on his eroticism — and until I did, he was withholding. Withholding thrusts! So I lied and said, "That's so cool."
Sensualists have sex without orgasms on purpose. They call it tantric sex. I'd call it a bad date. Let's tell it like it is: sensualists are sick. They sniff feet and get a hard-on. I'm fixated on a single star — I jump on a rocket ship and explode in orgasm, and that's it. So much is going onwith those other people. They have a richer world. Secretly, I wish I too could get all excited about colon hydrotherapy and the rest of those wacky fetishes. I just don't understand it at all.
Sensualists do stuff with their fluids. Why? When giving a blowjob, the obvious thing to do is swallow the semen — it's neat, polite, and efficient. I don't smear it or drip it into the guy's mouth, or any of those other things that I know sensual 
people are going around doing. The guy already came; he doesn't want to be doing anything messy anymore. Getting come sprayed in your hair or on your breasts or wherever is fine, because it adds to the excitement of the ejaculation. The woman gets to be defiled (which is always a good time) and the man gets to actually see his claim being staked on the woman's person. It makes sense. Of course, being a little anemic myself, I always prefer to swallow (for the protein).
Sexualists hate nothing more than someone who takes too long. Oh god it's so awful — they peer into your eyes and they stroke you and say, "Mmm." I read recently that 51% of Canadians surveyed said they valued their partner's satisfaction above their own. Above their own! Quit looking at me, Canadian lover! It's a lot of pressure having someone hovering up there, worrying about my orgasms. Just leave me alone — I know how to get there. I mean, don't leave me alone, but . . .
Sensualists write long letters. Erotic letters should be two lines: "You are the most attractive person I have ever met in my entire life. I'm dying with desire — dying!" This should get your message across with a minimum of fuss. I wonder about people who send four-page single-spaced letters about what they'd like to do. Just come over to my house and do it already! Once you've figured out your feelings, 
wouldn't acting be the next logical step? The Scorpions said it best: "There are no words to describe all my longings for love."
69 is strictly for the sensualists. They want to have their mouth on an organ, scent in their nostrils and flesh in their fists while you-know-what is going on down there. Not me! I need to concentrate. I can't even think, much less perform, while that's going on. Why do two half-good jobs concurrently instead of two marvelous deeds separately, one after the other? One must prioritize.
One activity I'm not sure about is anal sex. It works and it hurts, two things we sexualists like. But it's considered gross and deviant, so their kind goes for it as well.
I recently learned there are two ways to fuck a tub. In a conversation with a sensualist, it came out that we both masturbate by lying under the bathtub faucet. But she likes to let it just barely dribble onto her you-know-what and let the pressure slowly build, while I turn it up all the way and swivel right up to the opening where the water rushes hardest. That's when I understood: the sensualists are in it for the long haul — they want to be enfolded in sensation, they want to expand their consciousness to the breadth of the universe, encompassing everything. Whereas I want to lose everything. I want to be smashed to pieces.
You can tell right away which category people fall under. Well of course if the man has long hair he's sensual. Oh lord, protect me and my kind from the long-haired man and his slithery ways! Dangling hair in their faces, dangling pauses in their speech (to show how meaningful they are), dangling promises (threats) of future love, strange hands and arms dangling allover me. They're big danglers, those sensualists. They wear soft, spongy footwear and sculpt designs in their beards and bestow multitudinous casual compliments to all. They're messy human beings, with all that dangling and complimenting and beard-growing. They're billowing with layers. Layers of issues, layers of scents, layers of spirituality, 
layers of meanings to their song lyrics, layers of vests and scarves and belts and brooches and other ungodly items I can't imagine having the time to collect, store, coordinate and put away at night.
Whereas there's something startlingly accurate about the sexualists. They're unfettered by facial hair or accessories or issues. They have no issues. None! They have one or two beliefs, to which their lives are devoted. You see them so sharply focused, so unswerving, and it's such a challenge . . . you're dying to swerve 'em just a little. The externals might be slightly in disarray (shirt half-tucked-in, half out), but inside they are robots on fire. They can appear cruel and emotionless . . . and, well, on a bad day, they are. But at least they're not hypocrites, issuing protestations of caring for others in order to show off their soul and paw your body. Plus, sexualists have better shoes.
I can spot a sexualist on the street blocks away. They pass by me, and I am briefly but utterly possessed by their voracious yet uncaring eyes. Oh my god I do like them. I want to be had in a doorway by each and every one of them. Sexualists burn everything out — habits, towns, lovers — because they are so ravenous. Burn me out, please!
Henry Miller and Marilyn Monroe stand out as sensualists. Jack Nicholson is a big sexualist, though I hate to admit he's in our camp because he's such a letch. That's okay — we have Joan Collins and Xena the Warrior Princess too.
Some of my best friends are sensualists. Though I don't understand their ways, and would rather they didn't have their way with me, sensualists do make interesting and loyal friends. Like Rachel. Rachel will dance for hours naked in front of the mirror. If I found myself all alone 
in the house, naked and dancing, I'd say, "What am I doing?!" and put some clothes on and go back to work. I always read you're supposed to do little things just for yourself to bring out your sensual side, but what kind of game is that? Can you really flirt with yourself? You already know what the outcome is going to be. I can make myself come in two minutes. Why spend two hours? I suppose I admire sensualists for their patience, just as I admire babies for having such a good time with round plastic things all day. I envy aspects of their experience, but finally both babies and sensualists are aliens to me — I can't imagine trading places with either one.
There's more of them. More sexualists were raised Protestant, and more sensualists Catholic. And since the Catholics greatly outnumber us Protestants, so do the sensualists. I see an army of massage-oiled zombies looming and leering, promising pleasure, as we cower, shaking, in the middle of our small wagon-circle defense. It's not enough that they have each other — they want us too! They want to play our bodies like fine-tuned cellos,employing all their acquired love-making skills. But we'll fight for our right to cram our pleasure into a few minutes — a powerful concentration of destructive joy — rather than letting it linger on, seeping all over our precious afternoon. We'll fight for the right to ram and be rammed! Um, do you want my phone number? n°
©1997 Lisa Carver and Nerve.com
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: | |
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Lisa Carver is the author of the books Dancing Queen, Rollerderby, The Lisa Diaries and Drugs Are Nice. She's written for Hustler, Index, Icon, Feed, Newsday and Playboy, among others. She lives in New Hampshire. |
Commentarium (120 Comments)
A question for Lisa Carver: Isn't it possible to be a sensualist and a sexualist, depending on the partner, the setting, etc.? I would think so.
Just when I was becoming bored with the whole internet thing, I find your magazine and spend the best hour I've ever had on my computer. In particular I enjoyed Lisa Carver's article "Some of My Best Friends are Sensualists." I laughed some and cringed a little because it is obvious I am a confirmed sexualist and my wife a sensualist. After fourteen years we have found a happy medium. An occasional face massage by candlelight is traded down the road for a quickie with clothes barely around the ankles during lunch.
I just finished reading a long, drawn-out, garbled litany of empty rhetoric that I suppose was meant to be some sort of a comparison of a senualist and a sexualist, but I find it to be a crock of shit. I'd bet this Lisa Carver can't chew gum and walk at the same time.
I am a sexualist and damn proud to be one. I like it hard, fast and dirty. I turn the water all the way on and waste no time. Why take so much precious time and only come once? I could never understand. My best friend is also a sexualist. He is so passionate about his first love, his favorite band. I always think about him while I do my thing, whether I am alone or assisted. I know plenty of sensualists. I have always found them vaguely frustrating, without ever quite knowing why. Life is so much better now that I know the true reason for my unpleasant, not-quite revulsion. This is a visionary essay, and the author has done an exemplary job of defining these divisions of sexuality. Thank you so much for broadening my horizons.
I love Lisa Carver's sense of humour -- it's so rare in erotica. Keep writing Lisa! Enjoy plenty of fast fucks with real power in them. I guess you dont wear pantyhose too often -- they really are the modern chastity belt. I look forward to more of your articles.
Lisa Carver's "Some of My Best Friends Are Sensualists" was excellent -- fuckin' loved it. I was laughing out loud. I have to admit though, I'm the perfect mix -- I love to fuck doggie style and then cuddle afterwards. go figure. Thanks,
Do you have any idea how long I've been looking for some smut that didn't insult my intelligence or make me feel like a bloody letch? A damn long time. Just for your your own edification, I came across y'all in the year-end edition of New York magazine. After reading Lisa Carver's bit on sensualists versus sexualists, I decided that most of the net-porn world is dominated by sexualists. This is kind of a bummer for a sensualist-leaning-type/computer hacker like myself. Anyway, I don't want to start venting or anything, I just wanted to say "thanks." Keep it up. I saw a membership link on your page. I reckon I'll have to hit it.
s this thing on? I don't mind that in "Some of My Best Friends Are Sensualists" Ms. Carver has dichotomized the sexual spectrum (as one of your other readers complained -- and so perhaps unwittingly revealed his sticky sensualist mugwumpery), it's just that, in her haste to do so, it would seem, she has unwittingly made a few technical errors, which I would be only too delighted now to correct. First, the anti-jazz polemic (it was alleged that long-haired male sensualists might like it) was entirely wrong. Perhaps, in her defense, Ms. Carver was confusing long-haired, Kenny G-inspired Smooth Jazz, or Saxophone Jazz, with real jazz. If Ms. Carver had ever heard Sonny Stitt, Hampton Hawes (a ranking sexualist who came against a woman's leg in the elevator ride from the courthouse down to the waiting prison bus after being convicted on drug charges) or Roland Kirk play jazz, she might see in them her true kinsmen. Second, it has always been my understanding that anemia is a deficiency of iron in the blood; protein supplements, taken orally by injection, would seem of little curative efficacy other than as a placebo. Finally, what is Ms. Carver's phone number please?
Don't know how and where I came across your sexualist bible. You're absolutely impressive, but you're such an anemic bore (or should I say "fuck"?). It seems -- but didn't feel like -- arousal, but in fact I guess you're a protein-phobic. Somehow you're lost in too much expertise, in too many mental positions and attitudes to make things happen. You're a machine, but not a fucking machine -- not a lover, I mean. I guess you're so smart and idealize the coming in one minute because you're afraid of experiencing the spiritual exercise (or should I say "exersize"?) of sex, which is something more than a narcissistic self-fulfillment. Of course -- since I am a boy -- you know, that when I first meet myself as a hungry entity with another hungry entity, I finish in thirty seconds. But then somehow, if I can talk and joke with her as a human, there is an exercise in sexual and sensual loving (I agree: the sensual is the aftermath). I mean: let's not talk, neither practice politics, but take our time and make it better (no: more intense) all the time by claiming time and all of it. A sensualist cheerio,
Just surfing the smut. Came across "Some of My Best Friends Are Sensualists" . . . What a hoot . . . What a truth! . . . Thanks.
Tedium.
I have to give Lisa Carver a "Hats Off." That was the most enjoyable article I have read in a long time. I swear I thought I wrote it. Every single thing Lisa commented on or shared because of experience was me to a tee!! I thought I was weird or abnormal because of my sexual appetite. I was taught that "good girls" like to do it with flowers and candles around . . . Not by being slammed up against a wall in a bathroom. I laughed so hard over the candle thing and hair in the face and 69rs and anal sex. I thought I was the only one that was not turned on by that. I didn't dare admit it to anyone. It was a pleasure reading your article, Lisa. Hope to see more soon. Take care,
You go, girl. I still think you're being too nice about those Others though. They're just way into wasting time -- nothing to envy.
I enjoyed Lisa Carver's story on the two opposing ways of "doing it." For a while I wondered if my relationship with my girlfriend could withstand my sexual needs, I was trying to pretend that I enjoyed long hours of foreplay, but I really just wanted to TEAR THOSE FUCKING CLOTHES OFF WITH MY TEETH. It's nice to have such an intelligently-written story to spell things out for me: some people make love, SOME PEOPLE FUCK. I fuck. I enjoy browsing through Nerve greatly; it's nice having a magazine that openly deals with America's greatest phobia.
People can be both sensualists and sexualists, I think. It could depend on the time or place, even the person you're with. It could be both in one night. You could begin sensually on the sofa with smooth, soft, lazy ambiance, build it in the middle with slow dancing and firm grasping of flesh in the buff, and finish sexually with brutal ramming on the desk. It just depends. Balance in life is a key to fulfillment, and a balance between sensuality and sexuality would fulfill this tenet. As an aside, I disagree with Lisa Carver on 69: going down on one-another one at a time is as erotic as doing it concurrently.
Why must Carver unecessarily dichotomize a spectrum of sexual pleasure? This-or-that mentalities deny themselves a range of potentially potent possibilities adherent in sex. I, for one, am glad I live in a mental/sexual world of endless possibilities, the stirring together of both sexual and sensual delights in infinite combinatory delights.
I enjoyed many of the articles in your online magazine. Lisa Carver in her study of sexualists vs. sensualists was right on target -- and hilarious. I found myself nodding in agreement and laughing aloud at her insights. Thank you for giving me the chance to read, for free, such interesting, offbeat, entertaining articles that are unlike any others.
Very interesting. I tend to be more of a sensualist because mental orgasms feel infinite, like yoga and bull-riding all in one. With a sensualist, it's a great experience each time. And it's better to merge as one and explore each other. Why have a hamburger when you can have filet mignon? You shouldn't be too afraid to let yourself go.
This is a wonderful, humorous article and reminds me that every time I venture into sensual-land, I have this vague wanting and unfulfillment when it's over. Yes, I grew up sort of Protestant. There is something beautiful about a good fuck. Thanks for the piece. It helps define the "us" and the "them" in a new and humorous way.
I just caught the end of a little thing about you guys on TV and thought that I would check out the site. I quickly browsed though the site and came (no pun intended) upon the article entitled "Some of My Best Friends Are Sensualists." I enjoyed this article very much as it seemed pretty accurate to me in defining the two different realms of pleasure involved in sex. Although I do agree with most of the article, I think that people are not clear-cut sensualists or sexualists. I find myself, for example, balancing in between. I think a good balance of both keeps one more mentally and physically involved. Anyways, I really enjoyed reading the article and plan on visiting the site again in more detail when I have more time.
Liked what you wrote. I am a switch hitter between the two depending on the mood, need and feeling. So, lucky me, I get the best of both worlds.
I'm still trying to get rid of that tingling sensation in my lips and limbs...Now that was an article! Lisa, I owe you one.
So maybe it's this way round: the sexualists get down and write the stuff, and we sensualists read it! (I really can't see the writer sitting down to read about the differences of what goes on, rather than getting on with it :-))
She makes some good points. I think it's possible to be both sexualist and sensualist. Sometimes you want ambience, sometimes you just wanna fuck her eyeballs out. Sensualism adds another dimension to something that might just be mindless pistoning in search of the quick orgasm for some. Interesting stuff, sex.
If the night wasn't so late, and taxes weren't due, I'd write more... Sufficient to say that your articles are absolutely engaging. I couldn't get enough until the end came. And quickly at that. As you say, screw the sensualists that draw it out, just get to the end, and I did (though, I have to wonder...Don't we all ride the fence some times?). Keep up what is a loud and very cool voice. More exposure on nerve.com is in order. I guess, according to your bio, I'd have a compelling reason to read Playboy and Hustler "for the articles"? I'm ordering back issues now ;). Thanks for a wild ride at the end of the night.
I myself am a sensualist man, and I agree with your assessment of the differences between us. While I've had my share of meaningless sex, I have always gotten more out of using patience as a means of heightening orgasm, both in me and my partners. Perhaps that's the part you overlooked in your article. Anticipation is a wonderful thing. The chase, the game, it's all more exciting than just a simple throw down. I don't believe in the whole Tantric exclusion of orgasm, but delaying is a great enhance.
I just read your "Some of my Best Friends are Sensualists" article, and somehow, I find it hard to believe that a writer such as yourself is not also a sensualist! The very nature of your work requires that you recall and describe with words thoughts, actions, feelings and (dare I say it) sensations derived from your own experience and imagination. I would think that you would drowned yourself in sensual experience to better yourself in your work. But then, what do I know anyway? I'm just a cabinetmaker who maybe should've been a writer. Whatever blows your skirt up!
How about those people who are both sensual as well as sexual? I think there are many such persons who have these characteristics in proportions (whether proper or disproportionate is left to the person experiencing it). They would enjoy lighting candle lights and exploring the universe in the lover's body on some days (or nights, if one wishes) and taking the lover from behind when she is preparing tea in the kitchen - everything will be over in flat 5 minutes. How about considering them?
i thought it was wickedly funny- i was embarrassed for the moments that i recognized myself as a sensualist, but relieved to discover they were few. here's to fine writing and fucking! thank you! carry on-
I loved it. You are incredibly funny and honest. I am both sexualist and sensualist. i'm bi, huh? Because I love to be made love too and on the roof dangling off the front. I had a lover suck my toes for an hour??? I wanted to break his eye socket. But then there are times when I feel too soft for a quickie. Thanx. --Zonifika
I think it's good to be both. I love fucking, I love lovemaking, and I love combining the two and sharing the adventures with my partner. I saw myself in both patterns you describe; does that make me schizophrenic?! :-) Keep up the excellent writing; I wish you could pour some sense into the heads of the reactionary religious putzes who are trying to take over and subvert everybody's sex lives because they are so afraid of their own!
So one day I fall into one category... The next the other. I am a sexual-sensualist or is there no such thing? I like sex in all the ways it comes to me...
I love to read Lisa's perspectives. Her words are invigorating and cadgy.
Hey Lisa, sexualists rule!
bloonfool@aol.com
The Scorpions rock!!!!!!!
yeah. of course i want your phone number. your article was definitely worth a handful of chuckles.
Oh my GOD. Thank you so much! I thought I was the only girl out there who couldn't give a damn about four play. I am 23 years old and I just never felt the urge to do the whole candle-light dinner thing. I thought there was something wrong with me, like I was a perv or a nymph or just mean. Just wanted to say I agree with you 100% and thank you thank you thank you for bringing this to light!!!
dear lisa, you are very funny. Did you ever consider that one could be both a sexualist and a sensualist? It depends on how much time you have at a particular session. I think you would greatly enjoy INTENSE foreplayc making you come a couple of times, before getting smashed to pieces by convential fucking. i think you have tried it already and like it. So, If that picture of the breasts is indeed your new boobs, then they look gorgeous. How about a better view? What is your phone #? tom
Great article. I think the author is the long lost cosmic twin to my girlfriend. Why play around and enjoy only pieces of the pleasure when you can have it all in short order?
Awesome!
one of my friends and i have discussed the same topic, labeling it as "porno in the bathroom" vs. "erotic on the beach." both of us are the former! to me, erotic on the beach = sand in your pussy. ouch.
Who says sexualists have better shoes?
Right on! I'll take a good hard fuck any day...Besides, who has time for dilly-dallying? I'll take a 'sexualist' lover who knows what they're doing, to a 'long-haired slitherer' any day!
Thank god I'm a sexualist.
just broke up with a sensualist,she said she was a bodyworker but the tantric masseuse gig was just doing pathetic guys with a dildo for $200 and sucking them off while calling it a spiritual practice,imagine if the IRS felt the same...she claimed I was the best sex in her life but all I got was a neckache from the three hours of licking her coochie, yes she was all baths, candles and incense with 4 days of yoga per week, I guess it was Berkeley after all! thank god no birkenstocks, but she did say before riding my motorcycle that her feet had not been in closed shoes for 4 years...her worship of my feet left my rod in a hohum state waiting for the Indian flute cd to end,and her drum circle full moon rituals only were excuses to hug smelly guys with long hair and light more incense while getting too sloshed to fuck but not too drunk to process her anger. why not just enjoy a good fuck and cut the faux Indian mantra goddess crap and please no more nag champa incense and dried out flowers, at 37 years old she must regret and grieve over missing the summer of love back in wisconsin...the sensualists revel in their suspension of reality until they get slapped on their hind end by their karma!
just broke up with a sensualist,she said she was a bodyworker but the tantric masseuse gig was just doing pathetic guys with a dildo for $200 and sucking them off while calling it a spiritual practice,imagine if the IRS felt the same...she claimed I was the best sex in her life but all I got was a neckache from the three hours of licking her coochie, yes she was all baths, candles and incense with 4 days of yoga per week, I guess it was Berkeley after all! thank god no birkenstocks, but she did say before riding my motorcycle that her feet had not been in closed shoes for 4 years...her worship of my feet left my rod in a hohum state waiting for the Indian flute cd to end,and her drum circle full moon rituals only were excuses to hug smelly guys with long hair and light more incense while getting too sloshed to fuck but not too drunk to process her anger. why not just enjoy a good fuck and cut the faux Indian mantra goddess crap and please no more nag champa incense and dried out flowers, at 37 years old she must regret and grieve over missing the summer of love back in wisconsin...the sensualists revel in their suspension of reality until they get slapped on their hind end by their karma!
Wow! That article was absoluelty true. Sensualists ans sexualist just don't mix. I just got out of a relationship with a sensualists. God, he nearly drove me mad. He wanted to talk and kiss and feel and "explore". I was like "Why? You already know what's there?"
Lida Carver, you completely gnar my brain inside out with your text! You make the internet worth surfing. Here, for one second I'm going to pause and bow to this monitor. Soak up a little casual anonymous worship. Yum! Sam
Some of both, please!
Some of both, please!
Some of both, please!
Hell yeah! I loved this article like totally! I am such a Sexualist or whatever the hell the opposite of sensualists are! the oils and stuff bug me so bad and all I want is to fuck when I am horny and to be horny when I am not. I am relationships for about a week and then am so over it. Thanks for writing this! Heather ditzeroo@yahoo.com
Damn straight I want your phone number. I'm a Protestant (by upbringing, anyway) sexualist. Discovered your articles through a link from Salon.com. Waiting patiently to hear the rest of your swing encounter. Thanks for some good reading.
Lisa, I love your writing. I have read your swinging story and this one and was amused with both. Keep writing! Oh and I must say there are those of us who are both sensualists and sexualists. In your opinion does possesing qualities from both arenas make one a sensualists? I will swear to both sides. Chelsea
excellent article! however, some of us sexualists take awhile to get off. yeah i want your number, but let me set up my email!
Enjoyable and interesting article, but can't a person be both a sexualist and a sensualist? There IS an overlap, or at least as far as I have experienced, and if a person can't be both, then what term would you use for this limbo?
Lisa, you are the funniest writer I have read in a while. I've just read all your articles and I lauged so hard I had tears running down my cheeks....in a sexualist, not sensualist way, of course.
You're very talented. Keep it up.
Right on! Great piece! I find that I live in both worlds. I am a Sexualist trapped in the body of a Sensualist. I have to resist the temptation to just get on with it (orgasm) everytime I make love. The net effect is quite satisfying in a tantric sort of way. Keep on writing I live vacariously through it.
First of I want to say that this is a damn good piece of writing, clear, honest and a little wrong. I think that the person who wrote it is kidding herself claiming she's not a sensualist. I don't think you can be otherwise and write something as detailed and interesting and insightful
without a kind of deep sensory attachment to the world.
I think that the sensualists she talks about are more the cheesy variety who prefer (or at least value as highly) feeling their own power to seduce. Sex is always a selfish endeavor (if it's done right), but these
beard-woven, candle-lighting, dreamy-looking sensualists are selfish in a way that's uncomfortable because they act as if they are only concerned with their partner, but the partner is really only a cipher for expressing that power, not even a participant. Selfish sex done righter seems to me to be more about participation in the process of emptying out myself, where if I am lucky, If, I get to have her empty herself in me and give me some picture of what the world looks like through someone else's eyes--that and I get to come too.
Truth probably is that the only to get to a place where you are so hot for
someone else you have to pull off the road (to paraphrase Farid) you are
totally thriving on their smell, feel, taste from the last of their
kisses, their entire presence. I have had that and know the difference
between helping things along with incense or oils (oftentimes relationship
shit) and being enamored with the actual Means to get there . . .
You're lucky. Some people are dead. Dead from the groin to the neck,
with certain major centers of the brain never lighting up. They read
stuff like this and are mysitified. They reduce sex to and science:
quantifiable results in quantifiable units of time. But, that's not
the writer.
You ever just talk to someone on the phone and be so bothered, so
disturbed you could hardly function at work. Sensuality is not langurous
or silly--necessarily. It's dangerous. It makes people ungood workers,
thieves and jealous maniacs, idiot savants. Sensuality is thebeginning--the first stages of a low grade fever that makes us present
to each other in a way I honestly wish I could be more often, but can't
cuz I don't have the energy. Isn't that shy we're so afraid of that
initial meeting, contact. Sex for me is my fever breaking.
Here's a bit of a poem that I think goes just as well for sensuality/sex:
Everytime we fall out of love
we say it wasn't love at all
as if landing
a plane would say
No, not actual sky
God bless you if you can get there
Seph
SR -- Very nice.
This, along with your other articles, are great. Humor and insight-I look forward to reading whatever your mind conjurs up next. Thanks!
Unbelievable! Thought I was the only person in the whole world who fucked a tub! Don't even remember how young I was when I first started loving the faucet. But I do remember my family getting awfully anxious about me taking such loooong baths...
This article had me laughing at myself not only for being a sensualist and recognizing most things in myself but for knonwing im not the only woman who masturbates with a faucet.
HEY BABE: ain't it wonderful, what great feedback you get WHEN your BEST work is published;)[patronizing wink] PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! tell me you have another book in the works! I's gettin' mighty tired of only the dross; have I not been good to you? Remember your epiphany, Ms. MESSENGER!? Now get back to work: Don't-MAKE-me-have-to drive all-that-way up there in my ice cream truck, now Sweetmeat!
Lisa Carver,
Great paper! So, Lisa, what about those of us who live in the middle? The "fallen away" Catholics who could, at times, spend an hour on the small of the back of a beautiful lover, but who- in another mood- will just grab the object of desire- and do her on top of the washing machine? I mean, the sensualist will "dine" at
the dimly lit bistro- savoring each bite of a small portioned- and perfectly sauced something or other. The sexualist drops by the greasy burger joint- yet again- and can even be seen chowing down while changing lanes on the cross-town freeway. Lisa, I have to confess that I am BOTH of these people! So where does that put me?
What name should I answer to? Whatever you do come up with Lisa, please keep writing! Your work is fun and provocative! (now, what is your phone number?)
I agree that they are two basic types of lovers, Sensualists and Sexualists; however, there are people like me who enjoy a happy middle-ground. I enjoy a rather delicate mix of the two. It is difficult to find a lot of people that share this "unusual" belief.
Great article!
I am impressed. Captures the quarks of so many people in a very insightful way. I had never thought of the sexualist/sensualist dichotomy before. A valuable contribution as to why some people and sexual/love-making styles do not work as well together. The article provokes some thought, I will have to give you credit if I use the idea later.
Quit wining and let's fuck.
Thank God. I am woman, and I am all with Lisa. Gievit to me Redneck style. =
Yes, I want your phone number...
From a short haired guy...
Interesting article.
I find myself to exhibit both of those traits. I'm a fan of balance so sometimes I'm sensual and sometimes I just want to fuck like rabbits...
Henry miller was a SEXUALIST by your definition, period. Ever read *Rooftops of Paris*? The man does very little lingering when the urge strikes.
The piece is funny, and it raises a good point: you can value sexual arousal and attempt to prolong it, or you can exclusively value the orgasm and dispense with foreplay. It might be possible to locate individuals on an axis corresponding to the extent to which they prolong arousal, but as other comments suggest, people might not split cleanly into two camps.___I think the piece feels valid because it implicitly invokes more well-known social distinctions: femme vs. butch, hippie/new age vs. conventional, high brow vs. low brow. Sexual arousal heightens the senses, and the left-hand sides of the pairs are associated with sensuality, but I doubt there's a deeper link.___Prolonging arousal requires restraint, but I don't think abandon necessarily increases intensity. I also dispute the claim that emotional intensity is opposed to emotional sensitivity and complexity, and I disagree with the idea that people who don't single-mindedly focus on coming have a generally diffuse attention.
it's true, i grew up protestant and i'm totally a sexualist. also, i'm a scorpio, want MY number?
This is great, Lisa....No REALLY.
I've read other articles based on the same premise and this perfectly articulates the differences between the two. And, it's (as usual) funny as effing hell.
You have me analyzing all of the lovers in my life and putting them into categories 'Sensualist'/'Sexualist' (kay now we know why THAT one didn't work out....
x and ^5
But alas, the two neat categories are painted only between the clear lines of sexualist and sensualist. They neglect the gray. I can respect the sexualist; he is evolutionarily perfect, but he lacks imagination. The sensualist is far worse because he is trite, basing his plot on a lame amalgamation of Beverly Hill's 90210 + the "Penthouse Forum."
I fall into a category I label the "Kubrick sexualist." A Kubrick sexualist swims in a darker and more perilous world. This requires a layered intellect. Imagine the adrenaline and emotion one must feel within a shark tank...with a small cut - that is the world of the Kubrick sexualist. Urgency. Abstract passion. Fear, but a semi-safe fear such that the caged tank allows one to bask in heightened awareness without being incapacitated by the terror of the unknown.
A skilled Kubrick sexualist will find your boundaries, your erotic vulnerabilities, and then exploit them. Then he will fuck until you forget your own name.
Admitingly, this takes effort and is only very occasionally put in practice. In the mid-90's I once owned a house picked just for it's Kubrick possibilities. Remote. Cabin'ish. Big stone fireplace. Dramatic beamed ceilings. Sinister Amityville style windows. I know several woman who to this day still fantasize about a few certain long nights and have tried repeatedly, but vainly, to recapture the primitive, carnal passion unveiled there.
It takes a special woman to dare Kubrick sexualistic experience. She must be confident and free-thinking, intelligent and daring. (I frankly wish there were more such woman and men.) Because of this limited availability, the Kubrick sexualist will most often simply fuck, but while doing so he will feel every twitch of your body. He will luxuriate in the texture of your hair, but only while he has a taught fistful. He will revele in your curves, but only while you undulate as he traces them with his nails. He will lose himself in your scent, but while wishing he could bury his tongue farther up your ass...
Thank you for letting me speak the unspeakable. Vive la "Nerve"! (Too bad the pilgrims beat out the "wicthces" in Salem.)
Very kind regards,
Pajoly
This is the best thing you've ever written, LC. An excellent piece. And normally I don't find your stuff compelling at all. Thanks for sharing this!
I would say "interesting viepoint" if I didn't feel it was so narrow-minded.
The world would be such a bore if it consisted of only two types of people. I have my sensualist moments and i have those moments where i just want to take my lover in the front seat and deal with that damn leg cramp after I cum. I also have moments of differing degrees of styles and desires.
its called Variety of Life.
Yes, AW.
Lisa,
I loved it. Now I cannot decide which I am, I want to live in both worlds.
Wow- lucky me, I get to be both! Maybe because I'm neither Protestant nor Catholic. Holy Stereotyping, Sexman! Personally, I thirst for a snaky Lotus encounter, *and* I crave a rough tabletop ride. I thought Nervites were about getting- not thinking -inside the box.
Gaaaawd, enough with the don't-put-me-in-a-box. No one is perfectly in any box. This is a humor piece. No one is a Type A or Type B personality either. We take these "tests" for fun. You'd have to outlaw the zodiac and birth order books and the quizes in Cosmopolitan and Seventeen and just say everyone is everything, we're all a big blob of All. But no, you couldn't say that, because some people aren't All, they're more specific, so you'd be putting THEM in the wrong box.
Lisa Carver's writing is ALWAYS trite and facile and incredibly vacuous. Her writing over the last couple of years on this issue is the bottom of Lisa's already-low barrel.
That people can be both rough-n-ready AND intensely erotic, depending on the mood, the partner, the state of intoxication or whatever, is SCREAMINGLY obvious. The question "Why deny yourself the best of BOTH of these (artificially created and basically meaningless) worlds?" is less so.
Ms. Carver's views on sex sound as straightjacketed and limited as...well, her writing style.
On the OTHER hand - her writing on Nerve is the best in her clip file! I went and found some of her other stuff on the web...the less said, the better.
Most of Nerve's arsenal of writers are pretty dreadful. Carver stands out - and on no issue so much as this one.
I'm always amazed how someone could not like Lisa Carver, like below M, and then go on the web and look for more! Wow, M, you must be a masochist then! Myself, I don't like Tom Clancy. I sure as hell don't go out and read more of his books! I don't even like thinking about him! Rock on, Lisa Carver!
Lisa, great piece! Yes I want your phone number. Raised Catholic with an Agnostic father, I have long valued and still seek women that will "throw it down" anywhere anytime and don't care about lounging around afterwards. I can always go to confession to make my surpressed sensualist side feel better!
I was waiting in the concession line up at the drive in with my friend Matt and there were a group of girls on a men bashing mission, one girl turns around to Matt and says "If I guy sticks his dick in a girl, and cums instantly, is it still sex?" Very calmly Matt looks at her, grins and says "For the guy it is"
Should this be modified to "For sexualists is it"?
Thanks Lisa, you never fail to keep me entertained!
After that wonderful comentary, I can only answer "YES!! Yes I want your phone number"!
Enough kidding aside. Do you think there may be room for a healthy mixture of both in a person (male and/or female)?
I've been drinking a little and am checking out my favorite sites, so I didn't read your entire article word for word. But what I did read leaves me frustrated. It's so black and white. Can't one like to have sex outdoors when it's warm and remote and mossy AND when it's cold at night? In the bathroom against the wall and in the hot tub, in France and in public?
Sitting up in bed and woman in chair/table man standing; blowjob in meadow and while driving in car, missionary, doggy style?
What up wid dat?
I am live in both worlds!! Yummy :)
Re-tread!
I liked it the first time -- how many years ago did you write it for these "pages"? It's ironic that here it is again brushed off and spruced up, and this is the first time I've looked at this site in such a long time. But even though you cheated (paid by the word), I love it anyway. And I lust you, Lisa.
Very nice article, but I have a burning question. What do you call someone who is between the sexualist and sensualist? I have long hair (what's left of it) and an unkempt beard. Well there are days that I get around to trimming it. It's not right to categorize me as one or the other.
I enjoy both sides of the table. One day I want to cram and slam and the next run a feather all over her body. I want to take a hot bath with scented candles and then turn it into a tsunami drowning the flames.
I like the down and dirty, sweat pouring down my back rampage of a hardcore sexfest. I also like the long tantric orgasms that build up so much excitement that I feel like my skin is going to burst.
So how would you classify me?
Hi Lisa,
First let me say I fully understand what you mean about sensualist, I am a hispanic male, and a scorpio to boot. I have heard some tell me that I must be sexual and others say sensual. I am BOTH and love it, it can be done and it is up to the person that you are currently bedding down with to know what it is you are looking for. I have dated sensualist and yes, it can get tired after awhile. Sometimes I just want to come home and f**k her on the living room floor or the back of a car when the feeling hits. But that is very taboo for a sensualist. Fortunately I have found someone that feels the same way as I do. We can plan an erotic night or weekend getaway on fantasy island or just bang each others brains out in the car, back ally or anywhere the mood strikes. Many times we will get each other off in the car on the way to work just so we can smell the sex on us all day. Bottom line is that there is a hell of a happy medium out there for everyone.
We look foward to your next article, until then...
Naked hugs and kisses,
The difference is simple....sexualists come, sensualists reach ecstacy. And some of us experience both because we enjoy diversity. Sad for you that you're only in one category...
Lisa,
Loved it! Just loved it! Made my entire afternoon :)
This article hits the mark completely. I am guilty of being a sensualist. I had long hair. I cut it because it annoying. I think I still qualify, though. Thankfully, I'm dualistic, and I can be a sexualist when I want. Maybe this is why I'll spend hours in bed with a girl, touching and making love, but we'll have had sex eight times in the past five hours. I've done the hair thing, but never have I been so mean as to ask about it. Thankfully, they like it, but they also usually like being grabbed on the way to the kitchen and abandoned shortly thereafter. I think it's possible to have the best of both worlds. Hopefully.
While reading through these, it seems women, or rather feminine thinkers, tend to be one side or the other, while the masculine thinkers tend to be balancing on the fence. Just thought I'd mention it.
Oh, and a word about "trite and facile" to M... This is about sex, not television. Grow up.
I am 61 and a sexualist. My much younger wife and I engage in all kinds of sex play and she enjoys reading sexy letters as she sits on top of me, naked or in a crotchless thong. Before marriage I was often lucky in meeting women in a bar who after several hours of chatting and dancing took me home to their often nice home with a hot tub and pool. Many loved being asked to shower separately so that they could tease me by rubbing against the shower door, her stiletto heels accenting firm buns and perky breasts. One even wanted me to playfully spank her firm creamy buns before I stood behind her for some naughty probing and tongue exporation of her pink rosebud. Many women have never had a lover rub cock tip against a hard nipple, all foreplay before we get into a sweaty 69, her nipples rubbing against my chest, her mouth pumping up and down on my slippery pink shaft, rubbing my balls. My tongue is swirling around a squeaky clean pussy, bound and determined to make her have a massive orgasm. After afew minutes, another shower, and then some hard doggie style screwing, her moans and dirty words filling the pool deck. I am blessed with a thick curved cock which at seven inches is more than enough for most women. I found that by being a gentleman, a good listener, a half assed dancer and by not coming on too strong (as the image of McQueen in the movie "The Tao of Steve") and avoiding too much alcohol (alcohol sharpens desire and dulls the performance) many menwill make out with women very well. Always wear a ribbed lubed condom and be considerate.
I read, I rolled, I laughed out loud, and imediatally ran back to my closet! I'm overwhelmed that there are 'sexualists out there in the real world unabashedly writing of the experience. Stomp on good lady!
Wow!!! Got a picture?
The distiction of sensualists vs sexualists is gray, like everything else. I myself love a great fuck, but on the other hand an afternoon devoted to sex is also great. It all depends on your mood. Although, I'm a guy and will take it whatever way I can get it. Maybe your observation is right in one way I have medium length hair and a goatee, so I'm a sexualist/sensualist. It's an amusing theory anyway.
Boy, you're really whoring this article out, aren't ya? I think I saw this in Rollerderby like, 7 years ago. Way to go!
Lisa,
So classify this. Your walking through Wal-Mart with the man you just had a four point three four second
mind accelerating orgasim with in the parking lot. He keeps running his fingers through the hair at the base of your neck;attempting to elicit a response. He even goes as far as to toy with your lips during a long kiss.
Sensualist or Sexualist?
Wow I can't believe it, your writing had tact and accuracy. i don't know what to write this is my first time responding to anything, but i have to say that really liked your writing.
yours truly
sensually or sexually confused
Hey Lisa,
You're using that term "Jazz" wayyyyyyyyyy to loosely in your opening graph. Like most musically naive folk, I get the idea you're equating jazz with that contemporary pillow shit ... yea, sensualists probably like that sort of castrated music, but it ain't jazz. Can you picture some candle-hugging long hair licking strawberry juice off your belly while Coltrane is blowing "Giant Steps" or while Bird is blasting "Early Bird Gets the Worm"? I think not. Yea, Miles might work for borderline sensualists, but the real shit -- hard bop, post bop, straight-ahead jazz -- is not going to be found in a sensualist's CD collection, which is probably filled with John Tesh and Yanni albums. Now, I'm not some jazz snob/purist over here; I like all music genres, except that fake jazz shit. Look, I'm a sexualist too, but I love real jazz. So don't toss me in with those sensual flakes with your "jazz" generalization, ok babe? Otherwise good article ... umm ... Can I get yer digits? Flipper9120@yahoo.com
Now I know why my wife hates my sexual habits.
hahaha, that was great. I have one question though lisa.. i know im a sexualist but what happens when you are smashed or really high and it takes you 2 hours to get off? Does that make u a sensualists? I like how you think and feel you have been pondering and thinking about this issue for a long time. I really hate sensualists...and also when the partner is always worried about the other persons orgasim. When i tear it up im not carring if she likes it or not haha. Just like doing a job and getting the chips.
Lisa,
i'm in ontario, and i am still laughing, and thinking
great piece
jamie
i dont know much about ur site but please listen to
my request.I am a teen and i need help of a sexualist
consultant please help me.
please................
aanand14@yahoo.com
This is one of the absolute best pieces I have ever read! It is straightforward and to the point with no apologies- and it doesn't need any. It's funny and insightful at the same time- not an easy combination to find. This writer knows what she is saying AND how to say it. Thanks for the high note in the often monotonous realm of intelligent literature.
still inspired Lisa ten years later.
yes
But what about the happy medium? Or a middle ground, for that point? The romance aspect plus the crazed, sexual drive?
My best sex partner was so ridiculously analytical about 'atmosphere' (he called it)... but he was such an animal in bed, it was ridiculous, thrilling, and quite the peak of a sexualist.
I consider myself a sensualist, but I do hate it when it's too long and you keep waiting for your partner's orgasm. Sex should only be from 10 to 40 minutes, tops--unless, of course, you have a Sunday afternoon with nothing better to do than lie in bed infatuated with a new lover.
Quite enjoyed this article, but it's a false dichotomy. We all have sexual and sensual aspects, and enjoy different things at different times. Sometimes I like to be fucked hard and fast with no fuss, other times I like to lie around for hours eating and drinking and playing with each other. There aren't really two different types of people. Oh, and I'm an atheist Jew, so don't know how that fits your 'theory' ;)
wow. this is one of the few articles I've read (here and elsewhere) that actually helps me understand the world a bit more.
no, wait. a LOT.
i still love lisa crystal.
Lisa I love how pure and open you are. Get to the fucking point why put all the bullshit in between. Love It (your writing)
great notion "sexualim"
we are developing another one "porn reality" http://aliceinshadowland.blogspot.com/2011/05/manifesto-porno.html
sexualism, oops
i think you may have just saved (or at least clarified) the dis-connect in my relationship with both my boyfriend and my best friend. hot damn.