Not a member? Sign up now
October 23, 2009
Four months after I got the line no one wants to hear, I'm still wondering when "you are not the one" became acceptable breakup vernacular. The last time I got dumped, "it's over" worked just fine.
Even when said on six different occasions, "it's over" leaves room for reconciliation, as does "I need some space" and "I need some time to recover from the last one." But Mark's declaration was definitive as death, so much crueler than anything I've ever heard or used before.
You see, Mark was my first. Not my first lover, my first love or, embarrassingly enough, the first man to dump me. He was, however, the first to do so by saying I was not "the one."
"Really?" asked my friend Emily. "You've never heard that before? It's happened at least once to most of my friends."
"Edison said that to me for the last three years of our relationship," said my friend Jyl. (They'd dated for six.)
"Oh, I've used that line before," said my thirty-seven-year-old friend Eric. "I've been using it for the past ten years."
None of this made me feel better.
When I moved to New York seven years ago, I was still dating my college boyfriend, Blair. We were the androgynously named duo, considered a perfect couple by everyone except my Great-Uncle Meyer, a crotchety old Texas Jew who thought towheaded Blair looked too much like Jesus to become a Levy.
Much to my uncle's dismay, Blair and I moved to Manhattan together. For a year, we shared a studio apartment. As is the case with many cohabitating couples, our relationship ended when our lease did. It was an amicable split, brought about partly by my desire to explore what else was "out there." The number of people I'd slept with could be calculated on the hand of someone who'd lost a few digits to an auger. I wanted to date, experience innocuous trysts and, as much as the phrase now makes me want to walk off a roof, the "sex and the city" lifestyle.
For the next five years, I did. There was the karate instructor who was actually dating my officemate's best friend; the Scottish soccer player whose brogue was so thick that I'm still not sure I ever got his name right; the animal-rights activist who lived with his mother; the male model who was in love with my best friend; the unemployed film guy; the pompous "money guy" and at least a couple of derelicts.
And then there was Jane Fonda. I met him at a Halloween party. He was dressed as the '80s workout queen: tights, leotard, leg warmers and all. If memory is any indication of performance, the next day I remembered everything about his outfit and nothing about the sex.
Finally, I had stories, and plenty of them — of good sex with bad people or bad sex with good ones dressed like Jane Fonda. But I also wanted to love some of these men. I wanted some of them to love me. All of them, however, left me feeling lonely, expended and disposable.
Life as an "ethical slut" had stopped working for me. According to the media and most of my friends, I had two options for recourse: I could make like Kim Cattrall and blindly slut my way forward, or I could appreciate my change of heart as a symptom of baby panic, register on J-date and find myself a husband ASAP. Neither was particularly appealing.
See, my new aversion to sleeping around had nothing to do with my ovaries. It was that apathy had become a chore. After five years, I was tired of feigning indifference when Mr. Last Night didn't call me back or never called at all. It was a dubious predicament. I had girlfriends who'd confessed to
|
I've become a horrific urban cliché.
|
being disappointed, even temporarily devastated, when a one-night stand didn't turn into something more meaningful. Many of them had even taken a temporaray hiatus from promiscuity. But I was starting to lament a time when sex was, if not precious, then at least a pretty good indicator I'd see the guy again. Innocuous trysts stopped being enjoyable when I'd started hoping the man in my bed would turn out to be "the one."
Things are different now. I'm pushing thirty. Blair is happily married. Uncle Meyer now resides in my sister's kitchen, in an urn next to a placard that reads, "Quiet please, day sleeper." And I've met "the one." Unfortunately, because I'm not "the one" for him, I've become a horrific urban cliché: the single, embittered, slightly unhinged protagonists in those chick-lit novels I refuse to read.
The transformation seemed to happen impossibly fast. One day I was single, self-possessed and intentionally not sleeping around. The next, I was in a healthy relationship with a man I loved (and, I thought, loved me). The next, I was a parody of Bridget Jones, afraid of being alone forever, yet even more petrified of being thought of as a parody of Bridget Jones.
Seeking comfort, I read Ethan Watters' Urban Tribes, a book that claims "my generation" is choosing to marry later in life, if at all. In his research, Watters found that twenty-and thirty-somethings were focusing more on their jobs and friends, because they had "higher marriage ideals than previous generations." Apparently, I'm not alone in wanting to find a soul mate, but I'm anomalous in not enjoying the waiting period. According to Watters, other single women my age are relishing their extended freedom.
Commentarium (93 Comments)
I feel like I could have written this article! Thanks for feeling my pain.
Hi Tobin,
Nice article. A question. Which situation would you consider worse: To be "recovering" (this is a stretch as I'm not sure we ever recover much from these experiences, as much as we move on from them) from being dumped by "the one", or to be in your late twenties or early thirties, and possibly your forties, divorced (maybe with children) and obviously still looking for "the one"?
And also, does it matter if you're a man or a woman? While I haven't read "He's just not ...", I've been tempted to and will likely soon, (if as a man I can summon the courage to purchase it and deal with the real or imagined looks I will get from the clerk who takes my money.)
The reason I might is that I'm looking for an answer to the same question you are, that is, "How will I really know when I've met "the one?" or if "I'm the one?"
Then again, what if there isn't a "the one?" Does there have to be? Most of us want it so, but with men and women so self-sufficient (or self-absorbed) in the year 2005, is it really conceivable?
Anyway, just some thoughts from a guy who hasn't found "the one" yet.
PS, I'll keep trying.
PJC - you know you have found "the one" when your eyes meet from across the room. You find yourself behaving like those animals on public TV who are being filmed as they go through their mating ritual. The hair on the back of your neck rises and you have a sense of "eat or be eaten" which is really good, since that is likely to happen if it is "the one". No holds barred. In bed or at the breakfast table, you are engaged in the battle of all battles: the war between the sexes. You are in it until death do us part. What most people don't realize is that true love is more a matter of finding the most worthy opponent, not someone who launches you into a dreamstate. You don't want to actually kill your plaything, because that would be psycho. You just realize that the hurt is bound to happen and you are willing to go through a certain amount of that, because that is life. It is not a performance, it is a continuous state of rebirth and when in love you rarely feel alive away from your lover. Otherwise, you are involved in a sterile relationship, which is tedious and an incarceration, not an exciting life on the range.
There ain't no answers on love, honey. Nor are there questions. That's what makes life so beautiful and terrifying and absurd all at once. It just is. And that's what renders Ms. Levy's essay into a lovely, sweet, sad song to which all of us can relate. I mean, do we really want to figure love out? Money-hungry fools will continue to write books claiming to know the answers on relationships, and the desperate will rush to the book stores for answers . . . but let's face it, deep down, whether we like it or not, we prefer the unknown.
Great essay!
After just recently being dumped by a nerve guy whom I dated for three months, this article was just what I needed to get me through the day. I've been wallowing in self-pity, and been unable to leave the bed which has become soaked with tears. While Tobin doesn't necessarily give me a positive answer on how to get over the way I am feeling. It's nice to know that there are indeed others who feel the same pain that I do.
I will be hanging this on my freezer and look at it when I reach for the Ben & Jerry's. Thanks.
the one? you're lucky if you move past the one you think is the one and onto someone else.
much more appropriate to this interesting piece is that this question or series of questions or issue is hardest (for the first time, and i'm not promising there won't be a second time) for women in their late twenties who think there will never be anyone else.... it's one of those confusing age-ranges that mixes everything up for a while. sort of like the early twenties, but worse except you're aware of what mistakes you might be making.
Several years ago I dated a girl who was "the one" in every way. God I was soooo ga-ga for her. Somehow, after a year and a half of dating, she got it in her head that she wasn't good enough for me. This was, in my mind, RIDICULOUS. See my first two sentences... Anyway, she became paralyzed by this fear, always seemingly searching for evidence to support her hypothesis. God I loved her, but this was not, needless to say, attractive behavior. I stuck with it for another six months, trying to be as supportive as possible, but eventually, I realized that our relationship was bringing neither of us any joy. "The one" was no longer "the one."
Tobin's paragraph about the "mixed messages, pre-breakup phase of [her] relationship" really brought back this memory for me. It sounds like she gave up who she was for that period of time... tied her feelings of self-worth to whether or not this guy thought she was his "the one."
The tragedy of this isn't that she was abandoned by the guy she though was "the one." It's that she abandoned herself.
I've since realized that the whole concept of "the one" is BS. It implies that somewhere out there is some missing piece of yourself that you need to find. Please, everybody, realize that you need to be a complete person FIRST. That you ARE a complete person. Recognize that FACT. If you don't believe it now, act as if you did anyway. Pretty soon, you will. From that foundation, you have nothing to fear, whether the current one is "the one" or not.
Hi Tobin, Great article - you've really brought this issue into focus. I think MH's post below is on the right track - remember that troubled times are when we are most capable of personal growth. Throw out HJNTIY an the other "grrrl-power guides to Getting Over Your Man" - and broaden your focus to include taking control of your whole experience of life. Try "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers.
Tobin,
I enjoyed your observations and I thought I would let you know that they ring true at any stage of life whether or not warantee on the ovaries are about to expire. As a divorced single dad in my early 50's whose marriage and whose rebound relationship left the taste of the exquisite pate variety believe me you don't have it so bad.
After all you don't relive the break up trauma almost weekly exchanging your child. Or of your X falling asleep and not deliving your child home to after a visit. Or arriving to pick your child up only to find your X in the arms of the 3rd person in so many months since you broke up. (yes in front of the kid!) These and other never ending night mares are living reminders to me I have a heart and I will be damn careful with whom I share it next. My end game is that my son from here on out will always get the best of me.
Be forwarned that you are only joined at the hip if you have a child. Meanwhile Spam be damned.
Cheers.
LukeSky (A recovering spamaholic)
it is my sincere opinion that humans are so inclined to fall in love that most would pretty much fall in love with a lamp post. To be held, touched, forgiven, and embraced without contingencies is to have a major toddler / mommy/daddy flashback, and its a beautiful thing. only after love is well under way do we actually fully wake up to the individual across from us. i say this without cynacism --its all good, and though fully engaging with the person across from us may, over time, decrease the toddler flashback, it has its own rewards (and risks, of course). actually compatability, quite different from love, can be looked at in a quasi-scientific manner: there may be a half dozen important ways in which people are more or less compatable, and some may have inverse relationships: gain compatibility in one area and you lose in another. in other words, there is no perfect mate. and this is good news. this means there are lots of wonderfully, magically compatible mates all around you, and you just need to do some testing to find the most compatible you can in the allotted time. losing faith in the idea of the one true love is something like losing faith in god: depressing initially, but really heartening when you fully think about it. all the magic is still there, it just comes from a collection of largely well intentioned, imperfect humans all around you.
Tobin, you are beautiful.
My brother works at a magazine with primarily women and he oftens speaks of the "desperate look." In my twenties, I refuse to believe that aging a decade will change my view that their behavior is frightening. Meanwhile, he is convinced my ticking ovaries will someday get the best of me, but I don't want kids, and I refuse to think I would love someone just to pass on my DNA.
I was so glad when you said your ovaries had nothing to do with your wanting love. Because to me, while a woman wanting marriage and babies and silverware at any cost is horrifying, a woman wanting love is human. Needing other people, wanting to make a connection isn't what I'm resisting when I say I never want to be married.
Thanks Tobin.
thank you for writing that. i've had a hard time conveying how i feel about "he's just not that into you" and why the oversimplification just doesn't do it for me. you've explained exactly how i feel better than i've been able to.
You know, it happens to men, too. The one we think is "the one" dumps us. And the reason is that love, at least the kind rhapsodized in song, the kind that gets us high on addictive endorphins, is one-sided. It's not a man-woman thing, it's a lover-beloved thing. If someone's feeling for you is "Please don't leave me," it is human nature to respond by feeling "Don't fence me in." Alas it is virtually impossible for a couple to acknowledge and accept that the love between them is unequal, and that, if the relationship is to survive, one party must settle for being fully in love but not fully loved, and the other must settle for the reverse. But anything else breeds emotional dishonesty. I believe that "I love you," "I love you too" can be an honest conversation, but not if you insist on the exact same definition of love.
what a fantastic and touching essay! thank you for sharing something so personal that i'm sure a lot of us can relate to. a realistic look at a tough situation without any preaching or cheerleading.
Feel free to tell me this BS, or simply the product of someone without enough expirience relationship/love-wise, but i don't agree at all with the the idea of "the one." I regard relationships as one looks at a garden. There are many possibilities of how a plant may grow, but how and if it grows are based on the nurture/care/compatiblity of the plant/gardener/sun/soil/water/etc. I feel that I have met one or two people in my life that could have someday grown into being "the one" for me but never has the situation been open to that sort of growth. I think there are a fair number of people that I will meet that fit this possibility and expirience has shown that to be true. So instead of looking for one in all, I'm looking for a couple thousand or more in all.
Tobin, I just wanted to say that I can't imagine someone as talented and lovely as you are finishing out life alone. Your heart was so on your sleeve for this essay, and it felt like a gift; I was really moved. Good luck.
fabulously well written...hey, at least you are only 29. The next few years are great. Try turning 33 and being in that same space...kind of depressing but still trying to have faith that the "one" is still out there ;)
yep, i get it. I'm 36, never been married and never lived with anyone and frankly, I'm not sure that I have it in me anymore. I'd LIKE to be capable of cohabitating, but hell, who knows? I have a personal ad here on Nerve, but I hate the amount of time I put into seeing if I have messages or winks.
That was a great article. I'm convinced that the more I focus on the problem, the bigger it gets. I know that I am happiest when I whittle my way through my life, doing the things I love (I'm currently studying and practicing art) I am at my happiest. Somehow though, I get sucked into thinking that I have to actively search for someone and if I don't, he will never find me. For me, that searching sucks up way too much of my creative energy.
im a man, i could write oh what a marvelous lil story, oh you are so perfect cant believe you havent found someone that worships the ground you walk on but that would be a lie, realise you are not the only one to av fallen in love and then av it ripped away from you, and that you will love again, in my expirience love can make you feel like you can walk on water then it can make you feel like you are drowning in pain, there are no explainations for love there is no understanding, it just is, you are either lucky in it or you are not, i dont mean to sound harsh your story is well written and in many ways true to life but come on pratically all the population of the earth could write the same thing, what makes you so special????
what makes her special is the willingness to write it and the ability to so elegantly. the experience is universal, and frankly, most are, which is why literature works. most people when spurned either pretend that they decided it wasn't right / initiated the break up or decide that all men or women are deficient in some way. it takes a lot of guts to describe it as it is, be honest about the dimmesions of the fear it creates, and all the while maintain enough poise to write artfully.
I enjoyed your piece. But is your situation really as dire as the tone would imply? As one reader noted, you're only 29.
You'll probably hear this as insensitive, as unaware of how you feel. It's obvious that you feel really bad. Still, you spent five years sowing your wild oats, during which time you probably dismissed several good men that were open to a committed relationship. You don't even seem to entertain this possibility in your piece. And now, the first serious relationship you've had since then didn't work out, which is painful. But hang in there. And you're right that you should stop obsessing about it. Men will feel that lack of resilience, that one-dimensional quality. Why shouldn't they be turned off by it? Women are rightly turned off by single-mindedness in men.
This was such a great essay. I just recently got dumped by the guy I thought was the one and I too am going through the whole I do not want to be a spnceter deal. This essay was so close to home for me and it felt so good to know that I am not the only girl out there facing the same bs. Great essay!!!!
Keep your standards high Tobin and realize as in times of old, you may indeed be too good for any man. The "one" will recognize and acknowledge this on bended knee. This knowledge will not stop you from living life or achieving goals, but it will help you rise above the U.S. meat market mentality: our own form of mad cow disease, infectious frenzied fucking in hopes of finding love.
Hi, I'm a man and I'd like to post a response to 'author' tbf.
The article is NOT a declaration of her being special, it's just a nice bitter-sweet piece - period. Why did you have to insult her? She even uses her own real name!? Your response was somewhat infantile, condescending and attempted to devalue this skilled writers' heartfelt observations of her reality. Obviously you have a lot to learn about women...
Dear Tobin,
I've never had those words uttered to me, but I've seen those words swimming in brown eyes that suddenly became unclouded from the dreamstate they had been lingering in. Hard to face the facts sometimes, but life does have a funny way of working itself out.
"You are not The One". Words. Words communicated to lovers all around the world, every day, and there's nothing much that can be done about it. He had the courage to tell you face to face, which is more than I can say for most American men still straddling chests full of mother's milk and too juvenile to rip the oxygen masks of therapy off their faces and finally start breathing on their own.
Chin up. Be open and stay positive, and keep pampering, celebrating, and nurturing yourself. The One is looking for you and doesn't even know it, but you may very well bump heads tomorrow morning while ordering triple espressos (or yerba mate tea mixed with soy... so good!), and then you'll just know. Simple as that. Keep thinking: it shouldn't be hard. It's supposed to be fun, and quite simple actually.
Blessings to you....
this article could be me. It IS me. All very well said, especially the ways in which you critique that (for some reason), annoying-to-me book "He's just not that into you".
My recent guy was either just not that into me, or possibly just a little bit too much into himself, that i've experienced some of the exact same feelings and recovery behavior that you have. It really is nice to hear it from another woman and know I'm not alone in this crap called "dating"!
Hi,
This is So very emblematic of our 20-30-40 year old dating culture...
and being in big cities...
I did actually think, the other day, that if I indeed had been so interested in a settled relationship, I would have stayed in Ohio. or Kansas. or that sort of thing.
As it stands, ten years in Manhattan, and six in Los Angeles have left me in an alternative lifestyle that I alternatively deride or dive into at a moment's notice.
It's not healthy, according to my therapist.
I still don't know what is. Possibly a Roulette Wheel.
I have a girlfriend who met someone at a bar, took him back home that night, and is now happily going on bike rides with him, drinking less, being the character he writes about in his stories that are published in the New Yorker...
and she used to date 7 nights a week, on nerve, craig's list, whatever...anything went.
so I'm with you, completely.
FOR ALL OF US WHOM ARE DATING: AN EXCERPT OF A RECENT E-MAIL BY A NERVE.COM GUY WHOM ACTED INTERESTED, AND THEN GOT CAUGHT CRUISING.
I am sitting finally after an afternoon of errands that were welcome since they've fallen behind. Of course I got your email and was pondering it while I was out today.
Firstly, I do offer an apology for not communicating sooner and with full expression. The busy aspect sometimes prevents me from sitting down and composing all my thoughts. I like to take my time and work on notes before I send them. I also have a difficult tendency to sometimes withdraw communication. Like all of those kinds of traits, it's historical and at present, commands my attention. Your note is a reminder of how troubling that tendency can be. Again, I apologize.
At this point I agree that it was too soon for us to be so physical. The problem arises when after intimate contact, a whole slew of issues sometimes gets opened up. I hope you won't chastise yourself too much. It's really not necessary. Our time together was extremely enjoyable. As for you chastising me. I am highly aware of the areas that need work, so that meted out punishment doesn't really land here.
As for Nerve.com, I find a couple of things noteworthy. I actually just went there to check something and my thoughts were correct. I find it strange that your friend(s) could see that I've been "active within 24 hours" because my profile is hidden. It can only be seen by someone whom I've written to and accessed only through said email. Apparently then, I wrote to someone who I didn't know is a friend of yours, someone who is willing to keep checking "my status". The other point is that It doesn't seem wise to make up a story about how busy I may or may not be based such a small piece of information. It's akin to seeing someone's car parked in front of their house and making up a story about what is going on inside.
Okay then, with those things cleared, here's where I'm at. I have been in the last twelve months, actively dating. This may sound strange, but for the first time in my life I've actually dated without ending up with a girlfriend. This is by design. In the past I have found myself being someone's boyfriend basically after having sex. It's kind of the "good man" syndrome. That's what a good man does, even if it means unhappiness later. Don't get me wrong, I've had excellent girlfriends. It's just that I would put myself further down the road than was or wasn't naturally occurring. This year I decided that I would get out there and date as much as I cared to and make sure that I didn't let myself become obligated to act out a particular role. When the time comes for me to again be a boyfriend and really start to build something with someone, I trust that I will know.
As for the connection that we were experiencing, yes it was terrific. I do know though with some years of doing that any great connection is only a beginning and that it's important to find out more.At this point it seems, and I could be wrong here but I'm going to say it anyway, that the tone has been set to "call me out" as it were. While I do admit to having difficulties with communication, I don't feel that my actions warrant such a stance.
I hope that this note goes to you with the intended spirit of honesty. I don't know what will come of this or where it leaves us. In truth, I do know that this got too complicated for me to want to continue on that kind of intimate level.
Is there a friendship still to be had here? I don't know. I will give you these thoughts and wait to see if you care to respond. I guess we will go from there.
Boy oh boy DD ... for a guy who says he withdraws communication he sure does write some long emails. Sounds like a big fat liar to me.
I received a copy of "He's Just Not that Into You" for Christmas, of all things, and pursuant to the authors' advice, not a single guy I have ever known has been "that into" me. It was positively the most depressing book I have ever read. So, basically, I'm going to be a spinster forever.
Your essay is dead-on--an intelligent, articulate look at the aftermath of being dumped by the person you thought was different from anyone else you'd ever met, only to find out they were the same...can you tell I've just been dumped by someone I gave my all to for 18 months, only to learn that he had already started dating someone else while we were still sleeping together, cuz for him, it was already "over in his head". Thanks for sharing, it helped me to get out of the hurt and angry place I'm in for a little while.
Hey DD,
I feel obligated to point out how crass you are for publishing what looks to be a private mail, and likely without his knowledge and/or permission. Furthermore, looks to me as though this guy is a smart, sensitive, thoughtful, and most of all honest person. And you air his private thoughts? No one likes a bitter girl, sweets. It's childish, vindictive acts such as these that make us single girls look bad. And now it will teach him to not bother with the honesty next time. Please refrain from being "that girl," you prejudice the dating pool. And to guys like her ex-fling: please remember that while the majority of the population sucks (yes, regardless of gender), there are some keepers out here.
DD: "acted interested and then got caught cruising"?! WTF sister? Since when does acting "interested" mean one can't also be interested in others? Grow up, you little fascist. And please go whine elsewhere, this is a forum to discuss the excellent writings of Tobin Levy, not to analyze notes from your dates. Take that shit back to study hall.
this is so disturbing and true.
Thank You.
Tobin,
Thank you for the essay. It was witty and refreshing. You see, my "the one" has bi-polar syndrome, ADHD, and mild-schizophrenia (I know sp)and we have been in love since we were 12 years old. My " the one" can never truly be mine, since so much of his energy is focused on himself and his mental illness. I am in the process of accepting this, finally after dating him for nearly 10 years (on and off).It is a very difficult time for me, but it is also cleansing to my spirit. I was recently handed a copy of 'He's just not that into you' from a friend, and I thought it was all in all a pretty corny book. I couldn't get past the corny writing and bad jokes to really absorb the information provided. My advice is never get too serious in relationships. Like, it may sound like I was "obsessed" with my "the one" but I have never been codependent to him. All in all we've had a beautiful relationship together and now I am realizing that ever beginning must have an end. Sorry for rambling! Anyway, an amazing book that has helped me is: 'More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations' by Melody Beattie. Good luck in love.
Thanks for this article. You said so many things that I felt like I'd thought, almost verbatim, before. Especially this part: "The man you want to love you forever won't. You don't feel like slutting it up or reentering an antiquated dating game. You're suddenly afraid of being alone forever but not supposed to admit to being afraid of being alone. How do you move forward? Why are there no guides to that point in life?" I wish someone would answer that question.
Afraid of being even more clich
This resonates whether your are 29, or like me, 37 and just divorced after 10 years of marriage. I've gone through all of what is described(including a British soccer player plus waking up with boys almost half my age) except for the idea of worrying about being "alone". The hardest part isn't finding someone to date, it's finding someone you are actually interested enough in to return the phone calls. In the meantime, I've focused my energy on aspects of my life that I, alone, can make a difference. And, I think of the men I date as a learning experience - I take away something, be it positive or negative, from each one and move along.
Stop w/the Midwestern stereotypes. I live in Chicago which I would take over NYC & LA any day. Though some of us may consider Illinois a "fly-over" state, it doesn't mean that the entire population is riddled w/housewives & 1400 children. It's a tired peg. Quit it. Otherwise, lucid/wonderful essay.
The thing people don't get is Sex in the City is just that everyone looking for a great sexual experience with a great person. It's like looking for a needle in a hay stack. As women we are worth, taking the time that it takes.
Can I please just quickly add to the chorus here on the DD post? To the person who posted her date's email: why would you post someone's private correspondence to you? Do you really not understand the fundamental implicit trust agreement? And what did you think it proved? That email to you was far more honest, thoughful and detailed than you deserved. You betrayed the honesty and trust that created it. That person is well rid of you. You need to ask yourself some hard questions, and if possible, grow up. Please post your identity so that we can make the sign of the cross and run screaming from you.
And a quick on-topic post too: the essay was touching. My thoughts reading it (and finishing it, seeing the attractive young woman who articluated it) were that this individual probably needs to take a hard look at some things too. They have too much to offer, there is absolutely no need for someone like her to suffer lame flings and uncommitted short relationships. If that is a pattern, the much more likely option than "they are just not into you" is that they are picking the wrong people. And that's not just bad news, if one tries to figure out how and why it happens. Though I really am irked by psychobabble, in my own recent sad relationship experience I was really helped by the idea of the Imago, a model for unconscious behavior that repeats itself like clockwork in our every relationship, and will continue to do so with unrelentingly devastating consequences until we recognize and address it. See for example imagotherapy.com for an overview and some good articles on what this phenomenon is about, and what one can do with/about it.
Good. No pat answers. It is about angst, afterall. And please, realize that 20s and 30s are not the only place for heart ache and angst. I'm 56 and the pain is as real and confusing here as anywhere. It is somwwhat comforting to know that suffering is pandemic and democratic, eh?
To respond to the author and her article: mating is not
the absolute in life. while it is one of the most
exquisite experiences life has to offer, it is not the
pinnacle.
To respond to the midwestern "cliche" mentioned earlier in
these comments: in my experience, the author's comment
is a truth. i am 29, single, and peaceful with being so.
However, it is quite difficult to exist this way in my
midwestern setting. Every person i meet asks if i am single, then proceeds to try and understand why i'm not
married, then attempts to match me with someone. it is,
quite frankly, suffocating.
I know this posting is going to generate a lot of scornful, sarcastic comments. Fine. Go ahead and be cynical....but I have to defend the book in question. "He's Just Not That Into You" isn't designed to help someone heal a heart broken at the end of a serious relationship. Sorry, only time can do that.
Instead, it's about dating and it's central premise is "Don't spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you." (p. 87)
Why bash a book that encourages women to expect considerate treatment and open communication within a relationship?
I just broke up with someone after 6 years - I went from a vibrant 25 years old to 31 and needing to lose 20 pounds. I am searching for answers and now that I have resolved that it is truly over, I am trying not to beat myself up for staying in what was just never going to move to the next level. Your explanation of why we stay in these situations rings too true.
its good to know that "you're not the one" for him after so short a time. i spent 21 years with someone who i knew from nearly the start didn't consider me "the one". know what? things never got any different, after 3 kids and all that time together. we finally divorced, i was devastated, then finally realized that "HE was not the one for ME".
you are 100% worthy of someone who loves you wholly and fully for yourself, who thinks you are "absolutely, hands down, the ONE for him". he is out there, but you have to make room for the new by clearing out the old. focus on yourself, and know that you have something unique and wonderful to offer. some guy is going to be damn lucky to have you look at him twice.
self congratulatory and mastubatory. Nothing.
You are your cliches, at least be yourself.
You show a willingness to concede to trends, all the while defiling them.
Follow the means that you wish to, and you will be much happier. Sorry Maykay.
Thanks for writing the piece - it's very good and I know your pain. But your heart's in the right place and you're not alone. Hang in there.
a pretty
Great essay. I'm 35 and have lost several "the ones". The first was very hard to get over. It gets easier for the others.
I empathise & sympathise..our generation is too "cool" to feel, ban the self-help section!
All the best to you!
Good stuff in your article. I don't know if there is such a thing as "the one." Maybe there are lots of partners for every person.
For example, my girl friend and I have been together for 5-1/2 years now. We're both divorced, and no longer looking for "the one." We're mostly trying to decide if each other is the "good enough." Maybe that sounds a bit cynical, but at age 55, we're not even sure we want to move in together. Heck, we each have our own houses, kids, dogs, etc. Three of our kids have gotten married since we started dating.
So, for many of our friends, including us, we're happy to live together on weekends, take vacations together, but mostly live our lives separately. Your mileage may vary, of course!
I have to protest.
I just found "the One" and it's this essay.
I've been trying to get over my first real love for the past couple of months, while he continues to toy with me innocently enough. I was even, quite parallel to you, considering picking up a copy of "He's Just not that into you" (aka, The Desperate's Guide on Pessimism in Love).
This essay just saved my sanity.
Thanks.
I empathized with you until you began talking shit on Banh Mi sandwiches; then I totally lost interest in all your problems.
Of course there's "the one." But then there is always another "one."
I was in pretty much the same situation at precisely 29, when my first serious relationship collapsed. I was going to say "Seriously, girl, get over yourself", but then I remembered how I felt, and it was UGLY.
On the bright side, I did find love, later, and we're still together. That's when I learned that worrying and fretting about age is a waste of time. Oh, I'm 37. I'm not going to waste another minute crying.
There's a psychological theory about our generation- that because there is so much choice available to us, in every facet of life, it's nearly impossible to choose the right one. It's been proven that the best decisions are made when there are less choices, and when it comes to dating, the glut of people one is able to meet (online, through friends, in a large city, etc) make it daunting. Instead of being dazzled by these choices, and therefore immobilized, always believing you'll find something better if you keep on looking... See what's right in front of you. I believe there are multiple "ones", but I also believe the people you encounter in life appear for a reason. Give them a chance.
There is no such thing as "The One". There are many people that anyone can be compatible with for a lifetime: The number of which depends on where you live and your personality/values. There is no formula, book or any other bullshit that helps...you're best off just being yourself and finding what makes you happy.
jr is right. What's more, if you meet someone you think is "The One," you eventually have to leave reality further and further behind to maintain the fantasy. In fact, a book called The Fantasy Bond, by Robert Firestone and RD Laing has useful insights into this predicament. As a practical matter right now, go up 10 years in age or move to the midwest to find someone on a compatible point in his life arc. Thirty-year-old men in New York (or any major city) are NOT interested in settling down. Period. Why would they be? Start looking at thing's from a guy's point of view, you know, empathize, and you will find and keep the guy you want.
about to be 25, and this brought tears to my eyes... *fear*
I'm 30 and this happened to me last year. I wasn't too worried about it after the trauma period was over though. The fact that other media and people kept shoving the 'marriage before its too late and you're too ugly and old for anyone to want you' thing made me nervous for no reason. I'm happy with who i am and where i am in my life -i just hate that everyone else put doubt into my mind about it. Fuck that.
I look at the experience of being dumped by "the one" a little differently. My "one" dumped me b/c his parents wouldn't let him marry me - we're from different cultural backgrounds. Even if it's debatable how much he wanted to marry me REALLY if he let his parent get in the way, still, I believe at the time he thought I was his "one" too. That was 5 years ago. I went through the phases of grief and at times truly felt like I'll never get over him. But through it all, I still felt incredibly grateful that at least I HAD that perfect, euphoric, secure, all-encompassing, magical love - even if I did lose it. Some people spend their lives and never feel that with someone, but I did. Somehow, this has always helped me feel better about it.
great job! I understood this article on a personal level.
Tobin, this was a beautifully written and candid piece. I'm beseeching my peers to try to get over the idea of "the one" though. I agree with JR, RMB and SPC. Just the idea of "the one" sounds totally schoolgirl-ish and overly S&TC. I'm in the weird situation of having been with my boyfriend for almost 20 years (we met when I was 16, and yes, they definitely do mature slower than we do, so he's 10 years older than me), and as much as our crazily serendipitous compatibility might tempt me to call him my "soul mate," I actually think I'd be compatible with other people too (as would he--we're pretty well-adjusted and affable individuals!). We have a daughter and what I really want to instill in her is the ability to differentiate between real love (and how it evolves over time) and fairy tale concepts. Also, to not need a man in order to be happy, whether she's 25 or 35. My paths have crossed with some desperate ladies and frankly if I were a dude I'd run the other way, fast.
Thank you, Tobin. It's really, really wonderful to hear that I'm not alone. As clich
I must say this was brilliantly written. I decided to leave a comment not entirely from my own experiences but from seeing my mothers experiences over the past 13 years. I'm 18 now, my mother had me when she was 23, unexpected but she says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. When I was 4 my mother met a man and was in a relationship with him for nearly ten years. Since I was young at the time I never saw how bad that relationship was, and of course when they broke up (I was 13 at the time) I was devastated to lose the only father figure I'd really known. But as I got older I realised that he was immature and wouldn't commit to her or me as a family and accepted that it was the best for both me and my mother. After years of her healing herself and putting her passion and energy into her painting she was at a good place in her life, happy and fulfilled as a person. Then out of the blue, she fell in love with a male friend she had known for 18 years! It was sudden and surprising but not even a year after, they decided to get married, and a year after they married I got a little half brother! The time after the first break up was hard for both of us, and I've seen how difficult it was for her. But she is a strong woman and she healed and loved herself and the ultimate relationship, marriage and a new child fell straight into her lap. I know myself from having a serious three year relationship (since I was 15) and having it end recently, that all you can do is make yourself happy, even though it truly is one of the most difficult things to do. But things do work out. No one really has to be old and alone unless they convince themselves they will be! Be happy and alive and unexpected things will happen to you.
I recently started dating someone who I met off CL. It started off quite innocently (we went to see a film) and became pretty intense after only a few weeks. By the look in his eyes and the way we clicked, I could have seen myself giving up my time and space for this man.... that's until his girlfriend called me (she found my # on his phone). He was 27, she is 41 and I'm 31. I thought to myself that this poor woman just had her heart torn to shreds, I only knew him for 3 weeks. It hurt for the first few days, but I just keep thinking how that relationship is doomed. I don't want any part of that and will carry on with my hobbies, interests, life and be happy...
This essay was awesome and hope-driven. Thanks for sharing!
Tobin, nice story - honest and all too relatable. It may be tangential but I have to disagree on the banh mi. I get those from Hanco's in Brooklyn on a regular basis and they are deeeee-licious. That sammie deserves another chance, unlike Mark.
I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Tobin, you rock. We should be friends.
thank you for being so honest. its so hard out there.
im not even in a relationship and Im paralyzed by this underlying fear as well..
take a chance and get hurt or watch my life pass me by...
I guess there's a kind of symmetry: when you're in love (with The One, or one of The Ones - I think there are many out there for each of us, but the beauty of it, when it's working, is that it feels like there's only One) your world shrinks to a bubble containing just you and her/him. And when you get dumped, your world again shrinks, everybody else's problems disappear, and you - now just you - are alone with all the pain in the world. You really think this way, that you alone are suffering.
That's why it's so good - why it's been so good for me, who just got dumped, and still doesn't know why, from a brief but oh so promising romance - to read this article but even more importantly to read all the wonderful comments. Thank you all for sharing! You've reminded me of the world out there, beyond my own personal pain. This might be the beginning of healing.
As for taking a chance and risking pain, or watching life pass you by, I took the latter route for many years (I'm 42 now). It seemed safer. But it was a slow death. And even now, just a few days from losing the woman who I thought could be the One, I say, dare, dare, and again dare.
It happens to guys too, I guess we're more similar than we are different, but it's down to our idealistic, choice-driven culture, nobody is prepared to accept anything less than perfect these days it seems. By the way, you're the first person I've ever come across also called Tobin (as am I, however I'm a guy).
i just left my "one" of 3.5 "pretty" years and and engagement. here i thought i had this all wrapped up and would be married by 30. ha. to slut it up or lock it down? that's the question that should have some more choices.
I just got dumped by my One of over four years and am so fortunate to have stumbled across your essay. I'm 28, live in a city and have always been terrified of being perceived as that girl--the one that talks about marriage and babies all the time. I try to project cool and avoid mentioning those things, and have ostensibly been laid back about it, but it does gets exponentially more difficult with time. I am not even close to wanting to settle down and start a family, yet I am still so soooo scared of the possibility of spinsterhood and even worse, future regret. I am scared that the dating pool is ever-shrinking, that the good ones are being snatched up all the time. Anyway, it is incredibly comforting to know that others share my fear.
Tobin, I have been having similar feelings...the other day I saw my ex who wants to start dating again actually, but he then proceeded to reveal that he's been going on plenty of dates with other women and sleeping around as well...and I'm beginning to feel like I don't really want to be part of a buffet. Go gorge yourself without me. I was thinking about how I am getting older and thought by the time I was 30 I would have just met "the one." Not so. And I sometimes worry about becoming less attractive to men as I age, less likely to meet "the one." I once had an ex even say to me when I was just 27 that I better hop to it because my "window" was closing. Lord! Anyway, I was dejected the other day after seeing me ex and was at a birthday party just being the opposite of the life of the party, sitting like a lump in the corner talking to a girl I knew. Finally I copped to the reason I was acting so lifeless and she said: "People always say life is short, but life is long. You won't feel this way forever." And I realized, my god, she's right. My aunt has been married 3 times, the most recent time when she was 68! We just keep living, and it will be different...later.
ydb: I think I am in love, with you; my sentiments exactly
my 'the one' dumped me 3 years ago. i think the real bitch of it isn't the lingering hurt but the knowledge of everything that will have to be endured in the process of building that type of relationship again. It really makes the dating scene in the small midwestern town i've managed to get myself academically exiled to for the next 2 years that much more depressing.
great articule
im only 23 and have had two young ladies whom i considered to 'the one' category. the latter ended five months ago on amicable terms. we talked again for the first time last wk. we always enjoy talking with each other. she challenges me and thats the sexiest part of the whole equation. i am enthralled by her because she really is great. i do not want to be looking at my life in ten years and starting to settle for whats around. living in different cities right now as she finishes university. i understand that its delusional but in the meanwhile i keep a flame burning for the possibility of her and i. together. forever? in all honesty, while we both date and keep in touch, i think that flame can burn on low for the next several years until the time is right. more determination than wishful thinking..
"the one" is so multi faceted. When it happens though, you'll know.
what about a 20 year marriage that has been loyal....talk about girl interrupted..I was by a man I would say qualified as a soulmate...it shouldn't have happened and the guilt should be overwhelming yet I'm thankful and sorrowful.......unrequited love...I would never leave my husband he's my friend.....he takes care of me but what I felt in one night with another I haven't felt in at least 15 years........how do i get him out of my head? He has another and I know if he wanted me he'd try like he did when he perwued me in the beginning.......I wish it was only sex....it was for him not me!
The idea of breaking up with my current love is depressing, because, just as wb said, the idea of building another relationship with someone else is just way too hard to handle. I don't want to have to get to know someone again.
Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!
Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!
As usual, tons of stupid comments. People, why are you writing in comments - good site, great article, thanks author?
Respect to the author of fantastic text. I am want to say thanks for excellent words, and thanks to google, because i find your blog.
Hm. im out right now.
Hmm, nice. im out right now.
Whay are you don't write about politic?
Whay are you don't write about politic?
It's really provoking point of view.
I suggest adding a facebook like button for the blog!
Now you say something