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Until recently, I existed in the in-between world of not exactly thin but not exactly fat: the sizes twelve-through-fourteen instead of six-to-eight. Not obese, but heavy enough that people assumed I was the type of girl who lived in the blissful world of overeating.
Back then, when my breasts could look either voluptuous or matronly, sex was simple. I gave my first blowjob when I was fourteen, at summer camp. Another kid and I ended up unchaperoned in the student room, his whole cock in my mouth. When my eyes locked into his, I realized that I was the one who held the power, which was a huge change. As soon as he came, he stood up. "I generally prefer girls who are thinner," he said. "Thanks, though."
From then on, whenever I was with a guy, it was in the role of runner-up. Sex was mutually understood to be nothing more than fucking. Within the first fifteen minutes of conversation at college parties, guys would mention that they knew of an empty room, where maybe we should get to know each other in private. As soon as we were by ourselves, the lights would go out and our clothes would come off. After a few vague caresses, his cock would be offered reverentially as he pushed me down on my knees. Then we might quickly fuck while he whispered about how hard he wanted to pound me and I moaned encouragement.
At a bar, whenever a guy passed by me to talk to one of my thinner friends, I'd hate myself. Invariably, I would act out by fucking whomever I could. As the night got later and it became apparent that I was the only girl willing, some guy would become friendly. I never allowed myself the luxury of deciding whether I wanted to fuck him — if he was willing to fuck me, I would do it. "Are you even attracted to any of them?" one of my appalled friends asked me. The answer was simple: Not especially, but I wanted to prove I had something they wanted. I would always feel a surge of pride when my gynecologist asked me how many sexual partners I'd had in the past year. That number was proof I was desirable.
There was one guy who gave me a fake name, which I didn't realize until after we had fucked and I glanced at the unopened mail lying on his hall table. Still, it didn't matter, because I had made him come, and I had done it with my fleshy thighs, bulky calves, protruding stomach, all the parts I would catalog by taking pictures of myself on my back, on my knees, leaning over with my mouth open suggestively, wanting to see what they saw.
I became intimately aware of the back of my throat as I learned to give head, determined to go as deep and far as possible with each new guy; to never, ever say no. I liked the way that guys who would barely talk to me in public were turned on by my willingness. I pierced my tongue, my clitoral hood and both my nipples. I wore shirts with plunging necklines, fishnets and short skirts, and lots of eyeliner. I never declined any suggestion
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"But I want to make you come, " he protested. I looked at him. When I was heavier, guys never said that to me.
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— handcuffs, whips, spontaneous sex with his roommate while he watched. Sex was a kind of contest: me versus the skinny girls. I wanted to prove that even if I wasn't as pretty or thin as they were, I had no boundaries. I would make lots of noise and tell him to fuck me so hard it hurt — and he would love it.
Things are different now. Thanks to cigarettes, double workouts and not really eating, I've lost more than forty pounds. And the men I date treat me differently. I'm never expected to fuck right off the bat. On a first date with a guy I had met at a bar, I reached down and touched the undeniable bulge in his pants as we were making out. He pulled my hand away and put it back in my lap. "Let's slow down," he said. "I want to get to know you before we do anything." When we finally did fuck, he sent me an e-mail the next day: Thank you for last night. That was amazing. And it wasn't, not especially. I had been drunk and sort of passed out halfway through. But just agreeing to fuck him was enough. I took out the piercings. Before, they seemed kinky. But once I lost the weight, the universal response wasn't hot but why? They didn't fit with my new figure, with the thin cotton T-shirts worn without a bra.
I had amazing sex with the most recent guy I dated, largely because of the strategic mirror placement in his bedroom. I constantly repositioned myself so I always had a view. I could have watched forever: the easy way my stomach concaved in from my ribs when I lay on my back, the way my slim legs wrapped around his bulk I let him enter me. Once, I asked him to pin me down on the mattress and make me fight. As he lightly wrapped his index and thumb finger around my wrist, he asked me to please let him know if he began to hurt me.
"Never mind," I said. Before, this was never a problem. I wouldn't even have to ask.
"But I want to make you come, " he protested. I looked at him. When I was heavier, guys never said that to me. Now that one had, I was completely turned off. Why did he want to make me come? For my sake or his? I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him doing anything for me; I wanted to be the one in control.
One time, we were lying around, talking about our childhoods, one of those meandering and ridiculous conversations that feel natural after fucking. I asked him if he thought we would have gotten together in high school. He looked at me, playing with my fingers.
"I don't know," he said, pretending to consider. "Were you fat?"
"No," I lied, flooded with memories of my high-school self.
"Good," he said. "Because if you had been, I definitely wouldn't have fucked you."
I broke up with him soon after that. My shadow self — the angry, defensive, quirky, zaftig girl — was the type of girl he had considered untouchable. And today, even with the weight loss and the daily affirmations that occur when I see a guy checking out my ass, I'm still the fuck-and-run chick, just trying to settle down in a body I feel comfortable in. n°
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: |
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J.L. Scott is the pseudonym of a
writer/editor in New York City. |
©2006 J.L. Scott and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (80 Comments)
This essay made me sad. And I still don't understand why hetero women put themselves through this shit (as for how many hetero men act... it's despicable).
Signed,
a definitely not-hetero
Hmm . . . Not sure how I felt when I read this. In so many ways, I feel like I don't respect the author, but I'm not sure why--I mean, she seems to have lost the weight to try to fit in, and she does fit in, but then--I guess years of therapy are the answer?
This essay made me sad too. It kind of validates the ideas that women must be stick skinny to be "wanted" and to have mutually enjoyable, satisfying sexual relationships. I think Nerve should consider doing an issue focused on all kinds of body types...which can all be very sexy if we get over society's ridiculous constructs and biases. Or perhaps validating less-than-perfect bodies would be considered too "avant garde".
That was brave. Thank you.
this was so honest. i'm in awe of how candid the writer is about the difference between her zaftig sex life and her skinny sex life. having been both, people definitely treat you differently, and you feel differently.
SO ur saying that moderately heavy chicks are easy to score cos they want to prove something? Goddamn, dry spells are history!
Brutal,honest and beautiful.
dirtwood
i so related to this piece.
i enjoyed reading this.
This just further proves my theory that bigger girls are awesome at head. Why? Because people just want that from them and not sex so they get super good at it because it's all they do.
First, let me say, I very much appreciate the author's honesty. As a male, it makes me sad to read something like this. I'm convinced that there are many more women out there (not just overweight women) who try to use sex and their sexuality to somehow validate themselves or feel a sense of power. It seems pretty obvious to an outside observer that the men were just using her (as we mostly do with women, unfortunately), yet in her mind she was in control. I think the reality is that she has slowly eroded any sense of self-worth or true power she once had. How do women convince themselves that sex in this sense or promiscuity is empowering? I am very curious, as I think this is the great lie society has convinced women of in recent years...it's straight from shows like "Sex in the City."
This is the most pathetic thing I've ever read. Yes, I'm sure it is completely honest and I don't want to make the author feel worse about herself than she already does. But it feeds into every cliche BS myth about women and men and relationships that has been beaten into the ground by stupid tv shows and movies and books and articles. I suspect a lot of details have been glazed over and left out. Sure there are users and losers, but it doesn't sound to me like the author was open enough to let anyone into her life even if they wanted more with her. Fat girls (and she was never really a fat girl) have relationships and get married all the time, often to men others perceive to be "out of their league". The author needs to find a sense of self-worth. And it lies somewhere other than her concave stomach and size 4 jeans.
I really liked this article...bold, brave, all of that.
I don't think the author has any delusions that she wasn't being used by these guys. But that knowledge itself is empowering unlike other women who actually believe the line they are fed. Why do women think promiscuity is empowering? Perhaps because society exhaults the playboy, the lothario with the notches on his bedpost, the man who uses women.
I read this twice--the first time, I totally agreed that it was pathetic and cliche and fed into a lot of stereotypes, but the second time I read it I found that the author's continual self-awareness transcended that--she seems to have always had a sense about what she was doing and what guys were doing to her and almost seems like both an observer and a participant--and at the end of the piece, she's still observing, there's been an external shift, but internally, it seems like she's in the same place.
It's not being permiscuous per se that makes some women feel empowered, it's being desired. It's having something someone else wants and being able to give it or deny it. I've certainly been there. But what i'm curious about is whether or not the differences in how the author was treated by men were a result of a difference in how she presented herself. Perhaps she met people who didn't want to use her for sex because she no longer put herself out there as someone available and desirous of casual sex. Maybe it's not all about how men treat fat or thin women--come on, plenty of thin women have been used for sex and treated in the same way the author was treated--but also about how her view of herself changed what she presented to men.
umm...i meant promiscuous. eek!
Beautiful piece - I also identified.
What I found most fascinating was not that men wanted her when she was skinny, but that she ended up no longer wanting them. Ironically, she didn't like herself when viewed through their eyes: the blushing delicate flower that had to be treated gently. It's enough to make any sex-loving female go "ick." I hope she's feeling good and healthy now (smoking isn't worth it!), but I can't help but giggle at the thought that sex was way better for her while fat. Author: I hope you one day find the man who loves you for the beautiful, dirty sex-fiend you are.
This is absolutely excellent. I used to be like this, feel like this, act like this and get these reactions...until last year. I went to Mexico on a fun trip with my brother and the last night we were separated and later I was brutally, brutally raped. Before, there was always more of a power play, like the author describes--attractive men still want to get fucked, and if they see the willingness or possibility in your eyes, then it stirs their desire and they pursue you--especially since the skinny girls will never give it up so readily. You know that if they make you feel desired, you will reward them accordingly by providing what they ultimately want. One finds themself becoming calloused because, as the author also alluded to, as surely no one would want a not-thin girl for MORE than sex, at least not a desireable man. But, to get a desired man to lust after you, hunger for you (even for a few minutes), you have the power to rock their world. I can still fully identify, but it chokes me up. Sometimes you can ooze sexuality and openness and willingness, but at the same time, it's so hard to pull it back, to redevelop those boundaries if you ever want to. And, as I tragically discovered, it's difficult to chose who YOU actually want or don't since they ultimately are the ones with the power. I thank the author for her self-awareness--being the same person, but looking out from a bit altered skin. Facinating that weight has such an impact on how people interact.
Where were you when I was in high school? OK, just kidding. But it illustrates something I think you might be missing. It's not just that you were "fat" then and thin now. It's that you were dating high school boys then, and somewhat older men now (or at least I assume so). The men you meet now are much more likely to be looking for a long-term relationship than the high schoolers, who just wanted a quick fuck they could brag to their friends about, and the men with the LTR goals are going to act a lot differently. Still, that guy who said he wouldn't have associated with you in high school if you were fat deserved a swift kick.
this really bothered me. i guess it's because i'm in that not-quite-fat range, 12-14, and used to be much bigger. i've never felt that i was treated this way by guys. i've never fucked anybody who i didn't think was hot. i've never resigned myself to having to go for anybody i wasn't especially attracted to. and i still get laid frequently. they still say they want to make me come, that they don't want to hurt me, or that they think i'm beautiful. reading this makes me think that i'm deluding myself, that even though nobody has ever mentioned anything bad about my size, in or out of bed, that they're thinking about it, that they are lowering their standards for me. maybe i need to re-evaluate things, smoke cigarettes and stop eating.
Wow - I saw myself all over this, but in a slightly different way. Once I lost the weight, I became "the girl who gave great head," because I was just so grateful to be sexual that I didn't care that I was being used. I've since pulled back, being more selective about my partners. But reading this article - it allllllll came flooding back: the one-night stands with cute but distant men, developing crushes on guys that never called you again (even after an amazing night of sex), wanting to stop but craving the power you feel when you give a masterful bj . . . a weird time in my life.
I'm so glad that others like me have left feedback, because reading this kind of stuff often makes me feel like I'm the only one, like I'm deluding myself. I'm also in the 12-14 range, married to a wonderful, hot guy, and have only had one one-night stand in my life. (and no, it's not because of religious guilt or old-fashioned red-state prudery, I'm a NYC liberal atheist with an expensive college education). Perhaps it was her desperate attitude and not her "fatness" that turned guys off before? Perhaps it's that she decided she no longer "needs" to throw herself at men to get their attention, that's making them treat her differently? I'm sure the weight loss added to her confidence, based on the ideas she had in her head about weight, not because we live in some Shallow Hal mean-spirited cartoon world that she would now like to think we do because it would make her feel validated. This essay read like a slap in the face, a passive-aggressive attempt to get us 12-14 girls to doubt and hate ourselves, to start thinking about how many guys out there are looking at us and thinking "no, she's fat." Sadly, I don't think this author's self-esteem issues have diminished just because her weight has.
I would like to see an article by one of the many 12-14 women out there whom men have treated as beautiful and lovable for more than just anonymous sex. It is a phenomenon that definitely exists and ought to be recognized. One of the biggest problems I see with today's body-image rhetoric is that even as we are told to love ourselves just as we are, we keep being told that everyone else hates us.
Especially since the "fat" we're talking about is just 12-14 and not bigger. I would more likely believe this woman's weight was what caused men to disrespect her if she were actually FAT, like too big to fit into a single airline seat. Too often, those who comment on this sort of thing equate 180 pounds with 280 pounds, and it's totally not the same thing when you're talking social response. Just because we're self-conscious about our non-skinny bodies does not mean we get the same kind of response from society as do women in the, say, size 22-and-up range. Why do you think that whenever there's one of those abhorrent "fat girls can be hot too" articles, they always use size 12-14 models to prove their point? Because it IS different for us than for the very heavy women.
I think no one really knows what to say about women in our size range. They know we're not thin, so they can't drool over us and talk about how much they envy us. But we're not really FAT either; we can still buy clothes at most non-plus-size clothing stores. I think the reality of the 12-14 woman needs to be explored more, in more than just this facile, stereotype-driven way.
That was the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. The first sentences drew me in, as that is my situation exactly. Then I read the rest and wanted to have a fit! I have loving, wonderful partners who are just as willing to make me come as I am them. I am cared for, treated nice, and don't have to be a slutty porn star because my pants are not a size six.
Don't push your new anorexic ideals on us because you couldn't have caring sex before you lost weight.
There were obviously other issues going on here.
Wow. This totally sums me up. I am that chubby girl who wants to prove that if I can't be skinny at least I am adventurous. Is this a bad thing though?
It's interesting to see the perspective of the author. My suggestion would be to live more honestly, speak up for what you want and not simply react to what certain men are telling you or doing to do. When you communicate honestly you get what you want....when you let other people dictate how you feel it's an endless vicious cycle at any weight.
thanks for this, -- its really nice to realize im not alone.
hmm
You're in for a hell of hard life if you don't get it through your thick, overly self-analysing skull that
1. You can't get people to like you by gratifying them sexually.
2. Your physical appearance is not the reason people fuck-and-run. Your emotional problems are the reason people fuck-and-run. No one cares if you bring home a girl who isn't a gym rat as long as she's fun to be around but a pain in the ass is a pain in the ass regardless of her physical appearance.
If you want to stop being the fun-and-run girl, then heed this advice. Stop fucking for a while, and go get some therapy.
What's the point? You were a fat slut at the beginning of the article and now you're a thin slut.
By the way, for those of you thinking it's a good idea to start smoking to lose weight, smoking will turn off way more people than being fat will. I've found that I am unable to kiss a smoker for any length of time without getting a headache.
speaking from another 12-14 sized girl's point of view, you dont need to be skinny to find hot guys who will treat you right (and want to make you cum without saying it to you point blank). seems to me you need to go get some help if you ever want a healthy relationship.
Since when has size 12-14 been fat?
good point. its really NOT fat.
I'm quite sure it was the desperation and self-loathing (rather than the weight) that made guys treat the author like... well, like she felt about herself. She felt worthless, and they treated her as an object of no worth.
Therapy might help. Losing the weight, on its own, won't.
hi this is japgirl_007 @yahoo.com i just entered this site and read your essay. Isnt it absolutley amazing what a pair of tits in a tight t shirt is. opposed to those matrinly voluptious tits u used to have. I am a heavy women about 200 pounds now but have gone down to 120 pounds and fluctuated all the way thru. The way u discribed how he held your hand and said lets take it slow. the audacity of that asshole. didnt you just want to throw acid in his godamm face.were like phsyco girls dont you just want to scream but im not ready yet why are you treating me like this hello oh but thats called respect but hello i dont like it cause you were mean to me whey i was fat oh but hello im not a fat girl anymore unfortunately that fat girl will always be there. demonic fat demons inside of us retired fat chicks.
I used to be over 300 pounds and a size 28/30. If any man showed interest, I was astounded (and more than willing to play.) If you feel horrible about yourself, having someone show the least bit of acceptance towards you is irresistible. It's not slutty, it's self preservation. In a world that judges on body size and shape so much, if someone who doesn't fit in gets a break, they are likely to take it. I did. And through it, I gained enough confidence to lose 120 pounds. I'm not skinny, I'm still a size 18 (in a size 28 birthday suit)and am probably the last thing people fantasize about when they are alone in the bedroom. I am not beautiful. Not by standard definitions. There are wrinkles where there should never be wrinkles (the belly, the thighs?) My breasts have fallen so low as to be a serious detriment to belts without the proper support. I feel like I'm living in a deflated balloon.
And I've never been more self confident. I can pick and choose lovers and currently have an adorable boyfriend who a: loves me exactly the way I am, and b: makes my girlfriends and sisters insanely jealous of my good luck. He's gorgeous, by every popular definition. And the sex is unbelievable. The neighbors are very upset with me ;)
I realize now, that it was never my size, or my shape that kept me from being happy. I find it highly disturbing that people are criticizing this writer. What you see in the mirror DOES NOT match what other people see, positive or negative. You can't understand what someone goes through until you have been there. I have a bit of an inkling, I wandered around the neighborhood enough. I found my way out, and while I still have a bazillion body issues, I'm able to take off my clothes and let people love me for who I am rather than what I look like, in the full light of the sun. It's never going to be a pretty sight, you won't find a photographer begging to take my picture, but it's me. Baggy skin, sharp wit, empathy and all. The packaging isn't great, and there were a lot of things I did that probably wouldn't meet with approval in most circles, but I took what I needed at the time, and rebuilt my self-esteem through what ever means necessary. I think the writer of this article is on the same path. The path towards self acceptance. Probably the roughest path anyone can choose. It doesn't seem to end either.
Give her a break, you don't know where she's been. I can't claim I know either, but I can empathize a bit.
>>Sadly, I don't think this author's self-esteem issues have diminished just because her weight has. I would like to see an article by one of the many 12-14 women out there whom men have treated as beautiful and lovable for more than just anonymous sex.<<
Talk about missing the point.
Yes, this woman has self-esteem issues. Yes, there are women size 12 and up who are treated as beautiful (and are). However, the reason this essay is worthy is the experience she describes is familiar to so many women. It may not be PC - and you can argue that women bear responsibility for their own self images - but that's got nothing to do with its authenticity.
Trying to find acceptance by acting out sexually? Feeling a rush of power in knowing that you know how to give a good blowjob? And there's a nagging sense that this isn't how you want your life to be? Welcome to my world, ages 15-29. No blame; it's just the truth.
Now I'm almost 39, married to a truly lovely man for 7 years. I've grown into a strong and healthy sense of self; I'm a happy (and lucky) person. Sex provides and gives love, affection and orgasms, not self worth. But where do my fantasies go? They're still living in the darker places of my life, where I wasn't in control of my sexuality and it provided my only reliable sense of well being.
As a guy who has always loved fat chicks, i can tell you they are the best in bed by far. The absolute best? Fat girls who feel good about themselves. A rare, but precious breed.
My god - this is me. The one-nighters, the "nothing I won't do" attitude, the slutty clothes ... right down to smoking and not eating in order to lose weight (lost 100 lbs). And you know what I learned? Being fat SUCKS. If you're fat and want any action at all, you gotta put out in ways the skinny girls won't even consider.
Yeah, there are a few guys out there who are above it, and God bless 'em, every one. But for each of those marvelous creatures, there are dozens if not hundreds of the fat-phobes who don't give you the time of day unless you're thin. I've gotten hit on more in the last year than I did all throughout high school and college, and I'm pushing 40 now.
Which is another thing I related to: I got skinny in order to be attractive to men (and validate myself). And now when I get hit on, I just get disgusted because I know they wouldn't have even looked at me before.
I don't understand people who are "disgusted" with guys who wouldn't have hit on them when they were fat. If they feel better about themselves now that they're thin, why can't guys feel better about them, too? I hardly think it makes a guy a horrible person to prefer someone who has taken the step to lose weight and feel better about herself.
This may be a weird take on it but I've noticed that a lot of guys don't care if a girl's overweight by 20, 30 or even 50 pounds, if she's got a very pretty face. In fact a lot of guys are most attracted to girls with generous curves and pretty faces. If a girl doesn't have a particularly pretty face though then I agree it's much harder if you're overweight.
"you gotta put out in ways the skinny girls won't even consider"
so hot
Thanks for the brave story. It's not the "fat" or "skinny" that makes someone sexy...it's the confidence. Enjoy sex...you deserve to come too!
I love the honesty with which this story is told.
The author seems fearless to me, in a way I've always wished I could be.
Though it seems cliche', the old addage 'Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger' can be applied here insofar as she's gained a better understanding than most 'thin girls' of the roles most people play regarding sex, and will undoubtably be able to use that to her advantage once she 'settles down in a body she feels comfortable in'.
Bravo for her!
There really are guys out there that just love Zaftig girls. Ask Hanne Blank & myself of course. I found them to be a lot more fun in bed.
Wow what a great article. I am about the 25LB overweight now, and I have been a size 6/8 too... You really nailed here. It's too bad men are so predictable and so clueless.
Good for you... fuck em and leave em... it
Humans omit energy; negative, positive, sexual and so forth. As an over weight person it appears you not only dressed more sexually expressive but you gave off a sexual body language. You wanted it.
It happens to the best of us whether we are slim, chubby, black, white or asian, it doesn't matter. If you act like you want to get fucked, you will get fucked!
You all seem so eager to point the finger to inner personal beliefs yet have you ever considered your own inner personal beliefs towards weigth. We live in a society that treats obesity as if it were a contagious disease that is about to threaten the lives of every hot blooded american Yet we have done No cultural sensitivity work on that issue. We managed to accept women,non white christian people, heck we've even made homosexuality ok but somehow weight is one of the last prejudisms to go. as a societ we dont say were fed up with media and there bullshit ideas of what our image should be. We as a society don't get outraged at the fda and its inability to protect the quality and health of american food source for its own people.
thanks for writing this very honest essay. I have had very similar experiences- one guy told me once "fucking a fat girl is like riding a scooter- it's great fun but you wouldn't want your friends to find out." I do realise that there are men out there that do respect women no matter what our size. I still haven't found one (who is actually available!), but I've met many who feel that us fat girls are simply "second prizes", to be dumped as soon as a thinner woman comes along. It has definitely affected the way I feel about sex. I've gone through a phase when I felt "if I can't be thin "fuckable(!!!)", I might as well be easy". I think it's a natural reaction; otherwise, the only attention I'd get from men would be from guys oinking at me on the street. There really is this belief out there that "fat girls are freaks in bed"- why else would a guy want to be with a fat girl? Certainly not for her intelligence or sense of humour or unpretentiousness. I am still trying to get over this mindset.
So INCREDIBLE. I am in an opposite position @ the moment... having generally always been superhot (of course with a lot of working out & always watching what i eat) I have been a total slut in bed - although slutty in a serial monogamy sort of way... with 1 guy at a time. And now @ 34 i've put on about 15 lbs & a few sizes. I have a PILE of "skinny jeans" and AWESOME lingerie that are not being enjoyed by me or my current beau (who used to be what he calls very FAT) bcuz i am so ashamed of the thicker thighs. At times i hear myself, my dirty talk in bed...and feel like i'm doing it up more to somehow "make up for" the weight...my boyfriend doesn't care...and i truly don't know why i do. The weight will come off, and i'll still be deliciously slutty me - only once again smaller...but shame that it affects my perception and possible performance between the sheets.
And another thing... fat girls shouldn't want to be with the guys who want to fuck them. At least the bar trollinmg ones... the comment about fucking 1 being like riding a scooter (below) seals the deal for me...that those guys...are going for low hanging fruit. Who wants such limpdicks? I get that this is a matter of feeling your worth... but the guy who will "just fuck" fat girls on a lark when no-one else is "willing" is the one with the lowest self esteem in the room.
And please don't read that this is a critical comment about fat girls whatsoever...it's a rally to have more respect for yourself than he has for you - or for himself. That's the biggest point. God, it's really fucked up.
How did you lose the weight?
"Things are different now. Thanks to cigarettes, double workouts and not really eating, I've lost more than forty pounds. And the men I date treat me differently."
Different good or different bad? I'm trying so hard to relate to you here because I have been in that situation but that's primarily because I come from a history of incest and rape, not because of my weight (my weight is because of my history). Being fat isn't as tragic as you make it seem. And it also seems like you're glorifying your weight loss like it's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Good job! You don't eat and you smoke now! Hurrah! Now you'll die faster than you would have if you stayed healthy and a little overweight.
You really just need a high dose of confidence and THEN things will be better.
has anyone else noticed that guys seem to be putting on weight, too? three out of the last four guys i dated made body-conscious comments. i am no supermodel but i try to look good... why are all of these boys so round? unless i am fatter than i think and that's why i attract them. HA
Wow. How entirely pathetic.
So college guys just fucked you and didn't want to settle down? Welcome to reality. Shocker, it had nothing to do with your weight except that young guys are superficial and care more about how their "scores" look to society than what they really prefer.
You're clueless. So for girls to become sexually satisfying to men they should, smoke, starve and tell themselves lies over and over until they believe them?
You're a moron, that was foolish enough to lump men all into one category while simultaneously condemning men for lumping all fat girls together.
Thankfully, my girlfriend is a size 18 who loves herself, and I love her...I love her regardless of her weight because she respects herself.
Grow up.
Thanks for that. Really. Its funny, I feel like confessing everything to you. I cant seem to trust anyone I date now. There is always that idea that they would never date me if if I was fat. As if I would be some completely different person, one they could never love.
Im afraid Ill never trust any man. I look at them and think, "Have you ever done that to a fat girl? Fuck and run?" It is a form of betrayal. I am still loyal to the leagues of fat women, in that world where you are only a third prize, last to be picked, bottom of the barrel. Fuck them.
Reading your essay, I wanted to believe it was a put on, but having struggled all my life with weight, I'm afraid you have put down your truth. It is too bad that you feel so lousy about yourself, heavier (and obviously, not that much heavier), or in your new incarnation of sveltness. Trust me, it's the way you are carrying yourself. A dear friend of mine is dying now of lung cancer, and couldn't care less about eating, fucking or how body image affects either one. Please figure out how to treasure yourself. Find references for your life beyond those in-your-face Madison Avenue standards of commercial good looks, and beyond those vague ideas of human values held by dolts who treat women -- fat, thin or otherwise -- as objects. Meanwhile, you go girl, and make love, not war. OXOXOXOs
This essay is amazing. I've always wondered when guys would get over he "I want a thin chick" phase. Another thing I've wondered is what is the point where a woman is an average size to BBW. I tend to be stuck somewhere in the middle. Good luck.
thankyou so much for writing this. i'm in the 12-14 no-man's land too, where i'm still 'sexy' enough that the odd guy will want to shag me, but not thin enough that they'd want to get involved with me. i identified so much with this article, and while i've not gotten into the promiscuous opportunities so much, i can relate to the power thing, and the getting one up on the skinny girls thing. it's awful that we feel like this.
good on you for becoming physically healthier - i hope it's made you more happy in yourself and more comfortable in your body. in a way, when you were bigger, maybe you were honouring your body somehow by doing only what you wanted with it, and by using it as a power tool, and by dressing it up in a way you found desirable - now that you're thin, i hope you find new and even better ways to really honour your body, and own it, and protect it.
well done.
erica
Interesting essay. But I'm not sure your willingness to have sex with people just to please had anything to do with your weight. I was pretty skinny in my teens/twenties, and frankly, it's just a question of, many guys will try it on with anyone fat or thin in the pursuit of casual sex. If one goes for it, it speaks more about lack of self respect for oneself than the fact that one is fat. Fat or thin, men will use you if you let them. Although, that said, I did have a lot of fun being 'used'!!
I struggled with an eating disorder-bulimia-for years. i was never even 'big' but hated my body. i finally kicked the disorder but it left some emotional scars- when i started having sex i was incredibly touched that ANYone wanted to fuck me. now i finally feel deserving and attractive and look back on that with some chagrin. i can understand where this author is coming from and honestly- i can't figure out which came first for me- the mental health or the better sexual health. they both healed together!
I found this piece profoundly disturbing. I'm not sure it was because of what it revealed about straight men in our society, or because of what it revealed about the writer's self-esteem. Perhaps it was both.
Your story makes me very sad. I hope it was for the sake of creative journalism that you didn't even consider your attitude being what was different, and not your weight. Did you ever think that being thin gave you permission to ask for decent treatment, that you could have demanded (and gotten) that all along? Sure, we live in a thin-obsessed culture, but you do yourself, the guys you met, and your readership a huge disservice by conveniently using your (not so heavy, by the way) weight as the scapegoat for your mistreatment. Since your weight will probably ease back to a heavier setpoint when you start eating again and stop binge-exercising, you may want to see a trained professional who can help you get over your self-hatred so you don't put yourself in harm's way again.
wow because of the male sex drive, of were to find someone i can stick it in, especially after drinking, even though that takes away the power to stand tall. it really seams terrible that for the feeling of being wanted you did that,you sound like an intelligent young lady who hates men what a shame
wow... well written, and honest writing. My gut reaction is to thank jebus for Bitch Magazine and all those feminist orgs trying to work on body-image issues.
It doesn't sound like the author's new thinness is particularly healthy (maintained by smokes and starvation, didn't she say?) either, so its not really a happy "after" story, just an honest story about how a woman has reacted to body-image, and the ways men have perpetuated them. Is this the Third Wave? Really?
There are two central issues the reader has so repeatedly told us about: She wants CONTROL. Control is poison to sex. Why would a Woman want control through sex is a good question to ask. The answer probably has to do her feeling a lesser person in our society , asociety that is still not equally fair to both sexes.
The other issue is WHY do men want 'skinny' women? This, too, has to do with their need to feel control over another person. A 'normal' size, healthy, reasonably fit woman comes across as someone closer to his equal - and thus less likely to be controlled.
We - both sexes - suffer from this control issue, which is another name for our insecurity. Insecurity corrodes our true selves, leaving us dissatisfied, in our bodies and psyches.
Not once . it seems, there is a true, clear sense that the writer is enjoying the sexual pleasures. She is mostly a body with eyes all over her skin that look at her constantly
reducing her to the most conscious sex-mate. And sex without pleasure that fires the body and moves one to higher levels of littel-deaths is fucking without feelings, with constraints. No wonder she is so dissatisfied.
Se is a pleasure that need to be pursued for the pleasure it provides, noy to feel power, make other skinny ones jealous, or watch onself during the act. All of which indicate that she is having anything BUT sex.
Seeking sexual pleasures takes courage and open acceptance of who you are. Fat or thin, if one cannot allow oneself the roght to pleasure, there is no fun, no life. Only mechanics of fucking.
amen, I have never ever related more to something i have read. Thick or thin I am still the fuck and run chick. And you are so right, guys do treat you differently when you are a certain size.
Since I fluctuate in size so often I have just learned to just hold myself as the sexiest girl in the room. So now no matter the size, men are intimidated by me.
That was incredible. Introspective, sad and powerful.
wow
you really exspresed exactly how it is...I suggest getting a black guy, as stereotypical as it is, I waited to do that untill I was 30...and he has loved every bit of me since...my weight goes down and up and I turn him on thin, thick, and fat...I'm 36 and he's 25, he's hot and sexy and sweet...why did I wait so long to find someone who wanted ME? I'm sure there are white guys that are this way too, but I never met one, and never ever had someone so skillfull in bed, and such a huge dick...mmm I'm so blessed
oh mh god... that is so my story... but i'm still a size 12 at age 35 and single... its been yrs since i've had sex..i now respect myself but still love my food...
That was a very personal story you told and a very powerful one. You write very well; I hope you're writing professionally. The men you met with those attitudes are pigs, and I am saying that as a man. I have always had the opposite problem as you; I've always liked thick girls, and wanted to meet one that liked themselves just as they are. I've never been attracted to skinny girls, no matter how much this society tries to warp our tastes. I know we live in a weight-obsessed society, but even I didn't know that some men were such complete jerks. I'm glad you broke up with that idiot. I wish I'd known you in high school; I would've asked you to the prom! I'm curious as to what you looked like before. I'm sure my email address will get erased, but if you'd like to correspond, please let me know. I'm John in Hollywood, CA. My email is chessiezz at yahoo. I hope you've found a decent man (there are a few) now who is worthy of you. Best wishes, and keep writing!
I know exactly how you feel.
I prefer larger women. No, screw that, I prefer fat women, to be blunt. 105 pound colts look like boys to me. Real women have curves.
A fat woman with good self esteem is very hard to find, though . I'm not blaming women for that. Lot's of things, including body image contribute to self esteem.
But JL's weight loss and continued anger toward those who find fat unappealing proves one thing. Her weight was never the issue... her lack of self worth was. She's judging her own worth on the worth of the guys she's able to make cum.
actually i feel speechless reading this but it is cool to know about satisfaction and comfortable,there are individual differences, but i feel women like to come out, and for that reason they used men for there pleasure and ask for more to come out. but it never a sign that they are stronger men. men have the unique strength and power, make ur self happy and make your partner happier but if demand more than you can give to him or her during sex put on ur clothes and say bye, cos it might hurt ur health he or she will not be there when dr. will be telling you to take vitamins
actually i feel speechless reading this but it is cool to know about satisfaction and comfortable,there are individual differences, but i feel women like to come out, and for that reason they used men for there pleasure and ask for more to come out. but it never a sign that they are stronger men. men have the unique strength and power, make ur self happy and make your partner happier but if demand more than you can give to him or her during sex put on ur clothes and say bye, cos it might hurt ur health he or she will not be there when dr. will be telling you to take vitamins
Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!
Bless them. And bless you, for initiation the thread.
MoBGfT Cool! You have answered. I'll take a quote! The meaning of life and everything else. Decided. No kidding...
This makes me feel really bad about myself. Guys cannot be that shallow.. I am a size twelve but I carry myself with confidence and I smile and walk round like I am "thin" and I have had many offers that I have turned down and some that I have accepted and mad them want me for real not for sex. I would never sell myself out like that just because I am "heavier"- (sizes 12 and 14 are average) you could say that I only had offers because I am "fat" meaning I am "easy" But it is completely not true! You need to be careful what you post you may offend people and you putting all your problems down to being fat seems like a cop out and the problems that you were easy will actually be down to your own insecurities: thinking that you letting people take advantage of you is because you are fat. Perhaps this sheer ignorance is the real reason to your problems.