My boyfriend has issued me an ultimatum: either I go talk to a doctor about beginning some form of long-term birth control, or we start using condoms again. He's doesn't want the anxiety of the Pull Out and Pray method, and I can't say I blame him. And there will be none of that "just-put-it-in-for-a-second" or "oh-my-God-I'm-about-to-come-let-me-get-a-condom" business that has launched a thousand frantic E.P.T. tests, but rubber start to finish, every single time we have sex, just like it says on the box.
I hate condoms. I hate how they feel. I hate how they smell. I hate how they make perfectly adorable penises look like the sinister alien pods at the bottom of the pool in Cocoon. I hate how they seem to suck up one's natural moisture like a wee, one-eyed WaterVac (although at the moment, this problem is being remedied with a frosting-like substance I received a goodie bag at a magazine launch.) I hate how they remind me of the dentist.
But what I hate even more than condoms is the idea of going on birth control.
Let me clarify by saying that I am completely, one-million percent in favor of reproductive freedom for all women. I believe that every woman's body is entirely her own, free from judgment or guilt; and anyone who attempts to legislate or encroach upon its freedoms is an asshole, be they asshole judges or asshole congressmen, asshole "Concerned Women of America" or asshole presidents. I think the notion that some dickhead pharmacist can decide his own stringent morality precludes his professional ethics and deny (or at least, impede) birth control to a woman he may have never met and will surely never impregnate is disgusting, and a serious threat to democracy and a free
society. I was raised in a religion that believes life begins at birth, not conception, and very possibly not until one is accepted to medical school. As far as prudery goes, well, I've written an awful lot about the social calendar of my vagina to start worrying about that now. Guilt, religion, morality, shame (and aren't they all, effectively, the same thing?) are not an issue for me. Nor are health or safety concerns; I am lucky to be in a trusting, monogamous relationship.
So why don't I just pop into my friendly neighborhood gynecologist, waltz out with a prescription, and kiss sticky bellies and latex irritations goodbye? The answers lurk somewhere in my confused psyche. And I know they are stupid, childish answers.
There are two kinds of hypochondriacs — those who fly to the doctor at the slightest sign of a blister, and those who are so convinced of their terminal status that a visit to the doctor is tantamount to a death sentence, ruining what might be an otherwise lovely afternoon. I, both an obsessive pessimist and an Olympian procrastinator, am firmly the latter. Even a visit to an unthreatening sort of doctor — a dermatologist, for example — is for me fraught with such primal terror (what if that thing on my toe is cancer? What if he weighs me?) that any examination of a more intimate nature is nearly untenable. It's
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"I just don't like the idea of putting something so unnatural in my body," I've informed my suitors as I mainlined Diet Coke.
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called "latrophobia", fear of going to the doctor, and I've got it so bad I'm practically a Christian Scientist. But in my defense, a few really terrible things have happened to me at the gynecologist. Knocked to the pavement outside Planned Parenthood by a protester wielding a placard with a glossy photograph of an aborted fetus on one side and a concentration camp inmate on the other. Misdiagnosed with gonorrhea by a reproachful doctor ("You might consider aaaaaaab-stinence" was his stab at comfort). Supine in a university hospital as a cheerful intern rummaged around my cervix with a pair of forceps, extracting a tampon that had mysteriously lost its string.
"So what's your major?" she chirped.
"Theater," I replied.
"Oh wow!" she squealed happily. "You're going to be famous!"
And I was. For everyone in that ward, at least.
Nobody likes a pelvic exam, unless she is very, very, lonely. But birth control pills (or patches, or those creepy little rods they implant under your skin) are not available over the counter, and I doubt they will be until long after I'm closed for business. Still, even if some godless abortionist like Hillary Clinton made it into office and people started handing them out like Halloween candy, I'd have issues.
The most common reason I've heard from others with similar reservations is discomfort with ingesting synthetic chemicals designed to alter the normal reproductive functions of the body. I personally have absolutely no problem ingesting synthetic chemicals in a variety of forms, but I've used this from time to time. It's an easy excuse to hide behind, and in bad taste to challenge, like vegetarianism or joining the Marines. "I just don't like the idea of putting something so unnatural in my body," I've informed my suitors wispily, twirling my hair with one hand as I mainlined Diet Coke with the other. I can drink a box of Nerds in sixty seconds, but taking a pill designed to protect me from a dilemma in which both options are traumatic and expensive poses too dire a threat to the sanctity of my body.
"Why should I have to be the one on birth control? Why can't he just get a vasectomy or something?" I have asked my mother angrily, on occasions.
"If your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle," she replies.
I started taking the Pill for the first and only time shortly before I moved to New York City to begin my first year of college. Despite my various medical neuroses, it seemed somehow glamorous to me, liberating and sexy. I would accidentally drop the sleek little wheel of pastel tablets on the floor in front of visitors, self-consciously proud, like a fourteen-year-old smoking a cigarette in the park. I felt like I belonged to a New York where a spunky small-town girl in a suit and hat could pop out of Grand Central Station, just another addition to a teeming, Technicolor mass, and have the city and the leading man eating out of her hand by the end of the third act.
Then I went crazy.
I hated myself. I burst into tears daily. Never previously a big drinker, I took to cradling bottles of Southern Comfort to my breast as I watched Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf again and again on my small TV. When my boyfriend at the time
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While moodiness and weight gain are possible side effects of the pill, they are also side effects of freshman year.
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intervened, I would scream "I HATE YOU!" and burst into furious sobs. Most alarming of all, for a teenage girl with dreams of movie stardom, I gained weight.
A cooler head might have inferred that it wasn't entirely the Pill's fault. While moodiness and weight gain are possible side effects of the pill, they are also side effects of freshman year, and all that bourbon wasn't helping either. However, I am not lucky enough to count lucidity among my gifts, and so I did what seemed reasonable at the time. I went off the Pill, and I developed a serious case of anorexia.
It's difficult to understand, let alone empathize with the furtive, private hell of a serious eating disorder unless you've experienced it firsthand. I am about as recovered as it's possible to be, and I think of that period in my life as something that didn't quite happen to me. The girl who drank vinegar and ate only scraps picked out of the trash is certainly someone close to me, a sister or a friend, but not me, not the person I have become. This detachment makes it all the more startling when glimmers of that person resurface. She is someone I never want to see again. And somehow, to my mind, her genesis has something to do with being on the Pill.
I know that there are new lower dosages. I know that at twenty-five, my body is unlikely to respond the way it did at eighteen. I am in a vastly different place and state of mind. I can eat bagels now and say snide things about Nicole Richie without feeling jealous of anything except her money. Yet the thought of going back on the Pill is like running into someone who broke your heart — dread, anger, and the underlying fear that given the opportunity, you'll go there again.
But I have realized that expecting the worst from yourself, while useful for stand-up comedy, is no way to live your life. Which is why I'm making a doctor's appointment. At first, just to talk. n°
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©2005 Rachel Shukert and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (45 Comments)
I thought I was the only one that felt that way about the pill and condoms. I hate them both. At first I thought birth control pills were the best thing in the world because it could regulate my periods, lighter flow, I could skip periods when I like or had a hot date coming up, and no pregnancy worries. That's what I thought until the yeast infections, dry vagina, PAINFUL sex, the death of my sex drive, and the major mood swings that had everyone in my family running away from me when they saw me entering the same room as them. Then the condoms that literally suck the moisture from me poor little couchie (no matter how much lube I used), and the worse part is when they don't fit on the penis properly. I have tried four different types of pills and the condom that's made of some kind of sheep membrain. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A BIRTH CONTROL METHOD THAT SUITS BOTH PARTIES(at least for me anyway). Yes, I could squirt all the spermicide creams and jellies up me vagina, but then how do you have oral sex, and switch between fucking and eating, fucking and eating (I meant oral sex). Those creams are not eatible!!!
And yes, the pull out and pray routine has gotten nerve racking. I have to calculate when it's o.k. for him the cum inside of me and when it's not, and I have had several pregnancy scares (cause at 25 years old my periods are still quite temperamental and come whenever they feel like coming). So, what's a girl to do when the condoms irritate and don't fit the penis, and the hormones fuck with her body?
I'm strongly on the anit-pill side for the same reasons as the author and m.s. - mood swings, irritability, and no sex drive. I personally like condoms. At the end everything is wrapped up in a nice little disposable packet. Ahhh. Sure the latex ones smell not so great. And the texture isn't that wonderful. But you can certainly get condoms to fit ANY size: try getting TheyFit condoms from condomania.com. 55 sizes complete with a printable cut-out sizer.
Until I'm ready to convince a guy to get a vascectomy, it will be condoms for me.
I totally understand your reluctance to go on the pill because of how they made you go crazy. I experienced the same thing--interestingly enough, when I was 18-19 years old. The age aspect of it hadn't even occurred to me. But the difference in my mood during the week I was off the hormones was PRONOUNCED, and when I went back on the Pill after a lack-of-boyfriend break, I was 3 days into the new cycle before the new boyfriend said something to me and told me to get off them--in the same conversation in which I had been intending to tell him my decision to get off the Pill. Because they were obviously making me crazy.
BUT--There are new ones out there with much, much lower dosages, which have neither made me go crazy nor gain weight. So please, don't let that traumatic early experience limit you now. There are better pills. You won't go crazy. I'm paying $15 for _generics_, for god's sake, and I'm fine.
Be strong.
This is the most honest essay about birth control I've ever read. Good job!
What's interesting here is the connection between the anorexia and the pill. While I understand what you're saying about the pill's awful side-effects (while on the pill, I once wielded a knife against a loved one), it is worth noting that anorexia is about having control over one's body. A supreme control. And - contraception aside - the pill, for some of us, makes us change so drastically that we don't recognize at all the body we are used to loving, hating, etc. The essay here is about control, definitely. But not birth control.
yay, good for you rachel. brave.
There are alternatives. The diaphragm and the cervical cap work perfectly well. And if they're well-fitted you can't feel them when they are in place.
How about the recently re-introduced Today Sponge? Seems like it might be a great alternative to the pill/condom dilemma.
I also hate the Pill! Any birth control really... I have this resistance, the reason for which I have never been able to put my finger on or really admit to. Last year I started using the NuvaRing. The best ever! It is a small silicone ring that you fold and insert vaginally, like a tampon with no applicator, but it's much smaller. I can't feel it ever. You can take it out for a couple of hours for sex or leave it in. I've done both. My husband says (not complaining) that he can feel it, so I usually remove it- only takes a sec. Plus one of the best features is that you wear one for the entire cycle- yep, not daily, not weekly- MONTHLY!!! And most importantly I don't feel the hormonal swings or faint nausea that I felt during the times I was on the pill over the years. It has been a good experience for me I thought I would share- seems like a lot of women struggle with this. Who knew?
I appreciated your article. I have to tell you that I definitely experience a change in personality when I go on the Pill. I've been on it three separate times for a cumulative total of 8 or 9 years (I'm 32 now) and I get grouchier and much less happy. That sounds silly and kind of minor, but when I stop taking it, it's like I *remember* what I really feel like and it's such a RELIEF. Like the drugs actually alter my outlook in some real way. I've tried different formulas over the years, but now I'm thinking about trying one of those new extra-low hormone dose Pills just because I'd much rather avoid pregnancy. I of course hope you have better luck than I, but it's great to hear someone else acknowledge what she went through.
Thank you so so much for writing this.
I just had an abortion because I am in the same situation as you. NO method of birth control will work for me (cannot do hormones because they make me insane, I cannto to a diaphragm or cervical cap becasue I get chronic yeast and urinary tract infections, cannot do an IUD because of hormone issues or crapming and bleeding). I cannot even get my tubes tied because I am so prone to hormonal mood depression, I might have side ffects form a tubal ligation! So we will not go back to using condoms, which, as someone once said, is like "swimming with galoshes on." Either that or some day, my 32 year odl partner needs ot get a vascectomy, a very big deciion for a 32 year old man.
Thanks again for giving air to this very true issue: there is NO GOOD FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL on this EARTH.
Thanks.
good writin
I applaud you in going back to the doctor. I am on a lower-dosage pill (Ortho-Tricyclen) and haven't had any weight gain or moodiness problems in the year I've been on it. Good luck!
Excellent article. I had similar issues with the pill--which I think are all too rarely discussed. While yes, the pill is a wonderful invention, for many women, it has serious side effects and long-term consequences (none of which are discussed while dr and dr nearly forces it on any sexually active woman--or in my experience at least).
From the normal, or combination pill, I had morning-noon-and night sickness, and like you, seemed to have developed an eating disorder. I was then persuaded to take the mini- or progesterone only pill (the oral version of the Depo Provera shot) and after five months developed numerous UTI, ovarian cysts, and panic attacks so severe they let to heavy, heavy medication and basic self-impossed house arrest (agoraphobia). Four years later, the physical problems are gone, but my mental health has never been the same.
Again, great issue highlight and great piece.
You know, there are other forms of birth control than the pill. Look into the Nuva Ring. It's what I use, and it's incredibly easy.
The thing nobody seems to talk about is the IUD. I (and a good friend of mine) recently got an IUD, because I had horrible reactions to the pill (i.e. the same as in this article). I highly recommend the IUD. You get it put it in and you have no worries for 8-12 years. No hormones. No weight gain. None of that. There's more to it, but you'd have to talk to your doctor.
IUD all the way! I have used an IUD as the or sole contraceptive for over thirty years. Nothing to think about, no problems conceiving when we wanted to get pregnant, no monthly costs. The old scare about IUDs is serving women very badly when the new ones are so good.
Sorry to be unsympathetic, but this is just silly. There are lots of other options: IUD, diaphragm, natural family planning (tracking fertility with basal body temp and cervical mucus).
Would you totally object to the Dutch cap or diaphragm? I used the latter for all my reproductive life & never had an unwanted pregnancy. Sure, they're a nuisance, but I am glad I never took the pill or had to deal with partners' condoms.
I'm a women's health nurse practitioner--can I help? First, I'm loving the IUD and NuvaRing testimonials in the feedback. Excellent methods. Second, sounds like you need some skilled and sympathetic pill management. There are about 40 different kinds of pills in this country--each with a different "recipe," although all equally effective--the variation is for side effect management. Personally, I went crazy on one pill, was nauseated on another, but happy on a third for five years until I had a baby. I know the side effects can be bad, but it's worth trying again. Believe me, pregnancy has some major side effects too--now that's crazy and nauseated!
Also--I'm not your health care provider, but ask the person who is for a monophasic pill (to eliminate mood swings) and for a desogestrel progestin (to eliminate weight gain). I'd probably start you on Mircette, possibly Desogen (depends on which pills you were on before for comparison).
Good luck!
"Still, even if some godless abortionist like Hillary Clinton made it into office and people started handing them out like Halloween candy, I'd have issues."
Good article, but what the hell is that passage about?!
Great article - I've been down the same road. Lashing out at everyone, even crying in front of my boss for pretty much no reason. I hope this second shot works for you!
I'd be very interested to know 6 months down the line how it goes??! Thanks for sharing - its good to know i wasnt crazy after all!
I hate the pill just as much as you do and have had terrible experiences with it. The worst was getting pregnant while on the mini-pill. I put up with condoms for years after that until I ran into a boyfriend who couldn't handle them too well. I recently got an IUD inserted. It meant a visit to the doctor, a couple weeks of cramps, and a month of bleeding and spotting... I don't know if I'd recommend it yet but it's better than worrying about getting pregnant already.
LMR--the hilary clinton line is obviously a sarcastic joke. the writer's sending up the right wing for their complete disconnect from reality. definitely a joke.
I relate to your dilemma. I had some insulting experiences with gynecologists and a terrible first experience with the pill and it took me several years and increasingly horrible pms to go back. The best thing you can do is ask around and find a cool, feminist doctor and talk out your issues first. I did that, she prescribed me a pill she thought would work for me, and it's going allright. Hope it works out for you.
I know the author isn't really looking for advice here, but I'd like to second, third and fourth the NuvaRing recommendation. I had an awful time on the Pill -- was depressed, gained weight, got horrible headaches and so on. When I started using NuvaRing, I was a little paranoid because of the near-total lack of side effects. I figured that since I didn't feel like shit, it wasn't working! It does work great, though; it's easy to use and I'm still feeling just fine after two years of Ringin' it. Rah rah rah!
Three little letters for you, my dear: IUD!!!! Get one! They are THE BEST form of birth control. No nasty hormones, it lasts for 10 (that's TEN) years straight with no maintenance at all required. It's the #1 form of birth control in Europe. The copper T is the best thing since sliced bread. I've had mine for 5 years now, but boy was it a fight with my doctor to get it. The jerk tried to tell me that you have to have had a kid to get one, which is completely BS (check out the latest scientific studies). No hormones at all! No pills to forget! I, too, cannot tolerate pills. The IUD is more than 99% effective. You know why "they" the medical establishment don't want people to know about it? Because it's CHEAP. It costs $400 to install and it lasts 10 years. Compare that to $20-30/month for pills - this adds up to a whopping $3600 over 10 years! No wonder the drug companies don't want you on the IUD - the cheapest and most reliable form of birth control short of abstinence and sterilization there is. More women and men need to get the facts about the IUD.
I just got an IUD... 2 days ago! I'm looking forward to the freedom it will afford me. The doctor did say that it was important that for this form of birth control you are in a monogomous relationship as STDs can more easily travel further into your body with an IUD... (this can be dangerous, even fatal) and therefore it is also important to be able to trust your partner. (Something to consider if you choose this type of birth control)
I would like to recomend two types of birth control this author might be more at ease with. Having sucessfully used both myself I can recomend them. 1 is the vaginal film, a nice little melt in your snatch film you fold up and insert about 5 minutes prior to penetration. Certainly not 100% secure, but fun to insert, easy to use and no hormones. Option 2 is the Nuva ring which I luuuurve. It's a little rubbery ring you insert like a tampon every 3 weeks or so. It only puts the hormones where you need em'- not in your brain for example. Again, fun with a partner to insert and remove, imperceptable during sex and hassle free.
Thats my two cents.
I always say Im going to write about an article I am reading, then I get lazy and, well dont. However this article is one of the best I have read on Nerve in a long, long time. It might not be the most prevelant issue (of course, I'm a guy, I'm biased), but yet it was truly right on.
Thanks,
Jeff
Wow! I'm also 25, and I was an emotional wreck when I went on the pill around the age of 20. I stopped taking the pill, and ever since then I just can't bring myself to use it again. Most people think I'm strange. Thanks so much for writing that piece...glad to know someone had a similar experience.
I read all the feedback and there's a lot of great things said, so I'll just say I'm another woman totally behind the IUD. I've had mine for about 5 years and don't even remember what it was like to worry about pull out and pray disasters. I got the IUD put in after two very sad abortions with my current partner due to failed contraceptives (or pull and pray) and feel so much peace of mind now. My periods did become heavier for the next few months, but that I could deal with. Yes, the Pill made me a psychotic bitch with no sex drive (ironic, get on the Pill to prevent pregnancy and no longer want sex so no risk of pregnancy..hmmm), the Depo-Provera shot caused me to bleed non-stop for the three months of its effectiveness (during my wedding and honeymoon backpacking across Jamaica..ugh!), and condoms proved to cause more a battle of wills with sexual partners than anything. Nonoxynol-9 (the spermicidal foam) caused such awful pain in the vajeanie it made sex out of the question, and the vaginal film mentioned in another feedback ended up melting on my fingers before I could ever get it up where it belonged. So there's my birth control history, and I have to say, what a wonderful place to be able to hear what other women go through and be able to say what's true for me! This is a fantastic source of reassurance.
I too was on the Pill and it caused me major problems. I was sick all day and i had my period every day for 2 months while i was on them. Then i got switched to the patch and it has been wonderful. there are almost no side effects for me like with the pill and its so much easier to manage. it doesnt fall off (it sticks so good it hurts to take it off!) and you only have to change it once a week. i'd definitely recommend it as a great form of birth control.
I feel sorry for Rachel Shukert and others who share similar evaluations on this matter, what a confused person she is. If your going to have sex and it's function is to create another physical form, then deal with the consequences. If you don't want to be responsible for your actions then don't do it. To ask a chemical or device to be responsible for your decisions and choices is literally an insane decision and sadly something this culture has espoused as logical and the right thing to do.
RJD--
I'm interested as to what you are doing reading Nerve if your essential position is that sex is solely for procreation and any exploration of it otherwise is irresponsible and has "consequences." Are you reevaluating your position? Or are you simply looking for things to take out of context and post on your right-wing blog?
Get a diaphragm! If you can insert a tampon than you can insert a diaphragm...but don't forget the spermacide. I know that doesn't avoid the awful doctor's visit to get sized in the first place but if you keep it nice and clean they last a long time.
I loved reading your essay because I had a similar problem. At eighteen I started taking the pill and I went NUTS (Mood swings, bloating, depression etc...) It gave me nausea in the mornings so I stopped eating and developed an eating disorder. I became bulimic and then I spiraled into full blown anorexia. At 25 and weighing 96 pounds I left the pill. Slowly I turned into a balanced person. I started eating again. I stopped throwing up. Mood swings dissapeared. I regained my mental sanity. At 27 I discovered the contraceptive method that would work for me up to this moment (I'm 37 now): The diaphagm. It's great!. No crazy secondary effects, no weird rubbers covering his cock. I love it.
Thanks diaphragm. You saved my life.
My cousin, the nurse, was raving about the new 5 year IUD.
She's put a bunch in, and the hormones act locally, which is a lovely thing for those with side effects from the systemic acting pill. The not-for-women-who-haven't-had-kids-yet caveat was silly, is outdated, and has put a lovely option out of the spotlight. There was worry about puncturing the uterine wall when putting it in, but that never happens.
Also, I never hear about people just taking several birth control pills instead of Plan B. Alright, I know it's the principle of the matter. Alright, it's not FDA approved exactly the same thing, but you boil down it down to being about the same thing, chemical-wise.
PS
Spermacides INCREASE your chance for STD transmission. Yes, even nonoxynol-9. As some of the readers have remarked, they can be irritating. Even if you don't have particular sensitivity, they cause micro-abrasions which make it easier for pesky viruses to get in.
I was always getting urinary tract infections with them. Besides not getting enough oral.
I understand. Try the ring. It doesn't make you crazy, whiny, bitchy, bloated, hungry..
My wife hates pills also; and condoms. She uses the Nuvaring; it's a plastic ring that's sort of the high tech version of the contraceptive sponge. It releases contraceptive hormones over time, so you stick it in and you don't have to worry about it for 3 weeks. You remove it the one week you have your period. You could also use Yaz which is an intra-uterine device.
I have enjoyed reading this and the responses - last night I told my boyfriend of 5 years that I don't want to take the pill again! I have been on this for 10 years (mostly on and sometimes off); I have tried various pills. My mood is not great and I feel demotivated I really intuitively feel that the pill is doing me no good. I will be looking into other methods of contraception and in the meantime practising abstinence as the boyf' reeally doesn't like condoms!
I have enjoyed reading this and the responses - last night I told my boyfriend of 5 years that I don't want to take the pill again! I have been on this for 10 years (mostly on and sometimes off); I have tried various pills. My mood is not great and I feel demotivated I really intuitively feel that the pill is doing me no good. I will be looking into other methods of contraception and in the meantime practising abstinence as the boyf' reeally doesn't like condoms!
I have enjoyed reading this and the responses - last night I told my boyfriend of 5 years that I don't want to take the pill again! I have been on this for 10 years (mostly on and sometimes off); I have tried various pills. My mood is not great and I feel demotivated I really intuitively feel that the pill is doing me no good. I will be looking into other methods of contraception and in the meantime practising abstinence as the boyf' reeally doesn't like condoms!
A lot of teenagers are trying everything just to avoid early pregnancy. "Morning after pill" is a method of emergency contraception. It is generally safe and effective and does not cause an abortion. Plan B has been available for several years without a prescription to women 17 or older. Despite an FDA recommendation that the drug be moved from behind the pharmacy counter and be more widely available, it will still be strictly limited. Citing concerns that young girls may have access to Plan B without an understanding of how or why it should be used, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius overruled the FDA recommendations. This overruling means that Plan B will continue to be available only to individuals 17 years of age or older who are willing to show their ID to prove their age. Obama has defended the decision, saying that Sebelius is “applying some common sense” to over-the-counter drugs and their approval.Read more: http://www.newsytype.com/13889-plan-b/
Now you say something