10 Hilarious Hookup Stories from People We Met in Bars

The funniest anecdotes from Nerve's popular Talking to Strangers column.

Rob, 25, New York

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
Yeah. I was the mascot for Wagner College, I was a sea-hawk, and I fucked one of the dance girls on the fifty-yard line.

Really? In the costume?
Well, I had the head. But I took it off after a minute because I couldn't breathe. It was the middle of the night, I was a freshman, and it kind of just happened that way. She was like, let's go to the football field. And I'm like, I'm the mascot. And she was like, this is weird.

She must've been really impressed by that.
Needless to say, I don't really talk to that girl.

 

Erica, 23, New York

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
I do have one. It was a friend of mine, we'd been friends since high school when he used to date my best friend. Years went by, long story short, we got really drunk and ended up fooling around in the bathroom, to the point where we broke the toilet. We smashed the toilet into about 50,000 pieces.

Wait a minute: how?
We were on top of the toilet, doing our thing, and the fucking toilet literally exploded. I have the pictures on my Facebook. Nobody knows why. Literally, the fucking thing just crashed. It leaked blue shit all down the stairs to my roommate's room. The next day I had to go to Home Depot and buy a toilet. Thank God my other friend is a plumber. It was hysterical. He and I are still friends. It was a stupid, drunken thing.

I feel like it would be hard to break a toilet if you were sober.
Exactly. But it was completely normal at the time. The funny part is, because we were all shit-bombed, we woke up the next morning and I go down stairs to use the bathroom and I was like, "Oh my God!" We all just started dying. Everybody woke up and we went into the bathroom and there was fucking water all over the place. It had leaked downstairs into the basement. It was terrible.

 

Sonni, 37, New Orleans

So, where do you work?
I tow cars.

Do you get a lot of dates through that?
Dates? Oh, hell no. My job is not sexually friendly.

Do you have any good hookup stories?
Last weekend I hooked up in the woods with a random chick with a glass eye. I lost my phone — my phone fell out and I couldn't remember what part of the woods we were in. I got... you see these mosquito bites? I have mosquito bites on my ass from being in the woods. It was this brutal vicious attack. You had this moment of pleasure and then this vicious attack coming at you. The mosquitoes were so bad that we went into the street.

So was the sex good?
It was great. Totally worth it. Never did find my phone, but I got another one.

 

Nathanael, 30, Portland

Do you have any hookup stories you like to brag about?
Lost my virginity in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. I was wearing my girlfriend's clothing at the time, and on substances I won't really go into detail about right now. It was awesome. We were bounced out of there, and for a year I was no longer welcome at the place where a kid can be... a man! I'm not lying.

How did they catch you?
They found this other goth girl bouncing her head on a guy's cock in the ball pit.

Was the person who caught you in costume?
I was found out by one of their cheerful uniformed employees. But part of the escort out did include a man in a mouse costume.

 

Danielle, 29, Seattle

Do you have any good hookup stories?
I was dating a pretty big guy, freckles all over, really cute. We were dating, and he lived in this apartment where all these other guys I used to date lived, too...

Wait a minute. There was an entire apartment of guys you used to date?
Um... yeah. Pretty much. It was me and this other girl, and we managed to date all the guys in this apartment complex, actually.

Good for you?
It was really good for me! I was really into guys who were similar to Kevin Smith. They all looked like him and had the same... well, we all liked fart jokes, it was the biggest thing we had in common. That, and drinking. You know, they were good guys. I really liked them. But, yeah. We were having sex, I was on the rag, and he had no problem with that. All of my exes and people I knew were all cool with it, but they were sitting in the living room. We finished, and I looked down at him and I was like, "Oh God, you're covered in blood. Oh shit. I guess we'll get some paper towels." He put one finger up and said, "Give me one moment." He walks out with nothing on but the bloody condom, in the middle of the day, into the living room. He has to go through the living room to get to the kitchen. And then I just heard him saying from the bedroom, "Guys — I killed her!" Everybody screamed and ran out of the living room.

Commentarium (34 Comments)

Sep 29 10 - 12:11am
jamdam

Oh my god the biosphere one. Nerdiest hookup story ever.

Sep 29 10 - 1:05am
Show

"Hey Guys...I Killed her!"

Instant classic.

Aug 16 12 - 10:08pm
Robert

Hilarious, I guffawed.

Sep 29 10 - 1:13am
bearman33

Wait a second, did that guy Sonni have a tattoo? I think he had a tattoo.

Sep 29 10 - 1:18am
bearman33

"I'm with a Star Wars costuming group." That would make an awesome pickup line. Almost as good as, "Hi, i'm a rapist, will you have non-consensual sex with me?"

Sep 29 10 - 2:03am
demanda

AMAZING!

Sep 29 10 - 4:17am
Rubix

@bearman33

haha, that's excellent. It might even work on someone with with a very dark sense of humor. Or a masochistic fantasy.

Sep 29 10 - 5:05am
bearman33

Thank you. I enjoy your cube.

Sep 29 10 - 8:17am
Sara

This best not take the place of regular Talking to Strangers this week. I've read all these!

Sep 29 10 - 9:02am
Dirty Jim

These are amazing. They even beat some of my stories from my days back at Providence.

Sep 29 10 - 11:23am
AD

These were all great. Although Angie really should avoid crack-heads. Because it's not really, like, you know, ok, as long you don't hurt anybody. And Mark still needs to shave that neck hair.

Sep 29 10 - 11:56am
HBPA

I nearly peed my pants laughing at Danielle's story.. omg... and the one with the glass-eye chick is definitely a classic.

Sep 29 10 - 5:54pm
bearman33

Okay, now let's hear the outcry from the glass eye nazis. The chick with the glass eye wasn't what made it funny, it was the fact that they were in the woods, and the mosquitoes are almost irrelevant. If you told me you hooked up with a chick with a glass eye in the woods, that's funny enough.

Sep 29 10 - 7:45pm
Metallicarulez

WHO DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS MIKE TYSON

Sep 30 10 - 8:04am
jaycee

@bearman Sonni's eye and mouth tattoos are pretty obvious, I think. I like 'em. They really break up his otherwise featureless head.

Sep 30 10 - 8:04am
jaycee

@bearman Sonni's eye and mouth tattoos are pretty obvious, I think. I like 'em. They really break up his otherwise featureless head.

Sep 30 10 - 11:21am
bearman33

Oh, he actually had several tattoos. I thought he did. Thanks jaycee.

Sep 30 10 - 11:24am
bearman33

Is that first guy Rob related to Robert De Niro?

Sep 30 10 - 1:28pm
Nash

I like Mark's experience the best....trying to flush the stereo.......ROFL......Too bad she didn't try apologize for farting music! ! LOL

Sep 30 10 - 4:01pm
aa

great stories. now why is Jessica from philly on here?! she has no story. cupcake tattoo on her ass. huh?

Sep 30 10 - 8:01pm
FEMMMEFATAL

ANGIE: How can you not love thischick, how hilarious, something dumb like that is totally me. Biosphere? lil too much but super funny. Peeing on the stereo-classic.
Being Penny IS a job, I did that too..

Sep 30 10 - 8:02pm
FEMMMEFATAL

Danielle obviously really goes for winners

Oct 01 10 - 4:55am
Thank you!

I feel so much better about myself after reading these, especially the one about Danielle and the homeless crackhead! I was really feeling like a single loser before this. THANKS AGAIN!

Oct 01 10 - 5:02am
Thank you!

Oops, her name is Angie. Wait, what happened to my previous comment? Anyway, this article made me feel a bit better about being single. At least I still have my belongings and haven't shared juices with any transgendered prostitutes.

Oct 01 10 - 5:04am
Thank you!

Oh, it's back now. Yes, I am having a public conversation with myself at 5am. Hmm...back to not feeling as great about my single ass. But at least I don't have a cupcake trivia game on it!

Oct 01 10 - 11:22am
LDot

I love these stories. I actually did laugh at loud. Made my Friday!!

Oct 03 10 - 11:43pm
Caterwaul

Dammit! the original column with sonni in it was so heartwarming, all the stuff about making a good life for his daughter and taking life as it comes... all of that got cut out of this one so now he sounds like an imbecile.

grrr.

Oct 06 10 - 1:32am
Sunbury

HA! I was already to hate this one but it redeemed itself. Lots of really dishy guys and girls in this, esp. Jessica.

Oct 07 10 - 12:24pm
coyote23

I dated a homeless woman for awhile, the best thing was after the "date" I could drop her off anywhere.
loved the 'pick the cupcake' one, what is the prize for each? and the bloody mess story, I did that a few times ,maybe I'm part vampire....

Oct 09 10 - 5:23pm
regina

I'm so in love with the Biosphere guy. I'd be really really upset too.

Oct 11 10 - 4:22pm
In Bed

I love how this makes it appear that any random person on the street has a heinous pick-up story. It makes me want to just walk up to strangers and ask for theirs. Sort of. Actually, maybe I'll let you all keep doing it for me.
jill
in bed with married women
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Oct 12 10 - 3:00pm
Lurch

I dunno. A lot of the people I drink with have some good ones. Maybe thats just the people I hang around with though...

Oct 16 10 - 4:55pm
Joe

Oh, nothing funnier than drunken whores.

Sep 28 11 - 9:27pm
stonerreview

I hooked up with a dude one, went to his sleazy hotel room to do the nasty and I bumped into my sis "working"