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10 Hilarious Hookup Stories from People We Met in Bars

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The funniest anecdotes from Nerve's popular Talking to Strangers column.

Rob, 25, New York

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
Yeah. I was the mascot for Wagner College, I was a sea-hawk, and I fucked one of the dance girls on the fifty-yard line.

Really? In the costume?
Well, I had the head. But I took it off after a minute because I couldn't breathe. It was the middle of the night, I was a freshman, and it kind of just happened that way. She was like, let's go to the football field. And I'm like, I'm the mascot. And she was like, this is weird.

She must've been really impressed by that.
Needless to say, I don't really talk to that girl.

 

Erica, 23, New York

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
I do have one. It was a friend of mine, we'd been friends since high school when he used to date my best friend. Years went by, long story short, we got really drunk and ended up fooling around in the bathroom, to the point where we broke the toilet. We smashed the toilet into about 50,000 pieces.

Wait a minute: how?
We were on top of the toilet, doing our thing, and the fucking toilet literally exploded. I have the pictures on my Facebook. Nobody knows why. Literally, the fucking thing just crashed. It leaked blue shit all down the stairs to my roommate's room. The next day I had to go to Home Depot and buy a toilet. Thank God my other friend is a plumber. It was hysterical. He and I are still friends. It was a stupid, drunken thing.

I feel like it would be hard to break a toilet if you were sober.
Exactly. But it was completely normal at the time. The funny part is, because we were all shit-bombed, we woke up the next morning and I go down stairs to use the bathroom and I was like, "Oh my God!" We all just started dying. Everybody woke up and we went into the bathroom and there was fucking water all over the place. It had leaked downstairs into the basement. It was terrible.

 

Sonni, 37, New Orleans

So, where do you work?
I tow cars.

Do you get a lot of dates through that?
Dates? Oh, hell no. My job is not sexually friendly.

Do you have any good hookup stories?
Last weekend I hooked up in the woods with a random chick with a glass eye. I lost my phone — my phone fell out and I couldn't remember what part of the woods we were in. I got… you see these mosquito bites? I have mosquito bites on my ass from being in the woods. It was this brutal vicious attack. You had this moment of pleasure and then this vicious attack coming at you. The mosquitoes were so bad that we went into the street.

So was the sex good?
It was great. Totally worth it. Never did find my phone, but I got another one.

 

Nathanael, 30, Portland

Do you have any hookup stories you like to brag about?
Lost my virginity in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. I was wearing my girlfriend's clothing at the time, and on substances I won't really go into detail about right now. It was awesome. We were bounced out of there, and for a year I was no longer welcome at the place where a kid can be… a man! I'm not lying.

How did they catch you?
They found this other goth girl bouncing her head on a guy's cock in the ball pit.

Was the person who caught you in costume?
I was found out by one of their cheerful uniformed employees. But part of the escort out did include a man in a mouse costume.

 

Danielle, 29, Seattle

Do you have any good hookup stories?
I was dating a pretty big guy, freckles all over, really cute. We were dating, and he lived in this apartment where all these other guys I used to date lived, too…

Wait a minute. There was an entire apartment of guys you used to date?
Um… yeah. Pretty much. It was me and this other girl, and we managed to date all the guys in this apartment complex, actually.

Good for you?
It was really good for me! I was really into guys who were similar to Kevin Smith. They all looked like him and had the same… well, we all liked fart jokes, it was the biggest thing we had in common. That, and drinking. You know, they were good guys. I really liked them. But, yeah. We were having sex, I was on the rag, and he had no problem with that. All of my exes and people I knew were all cool with it, but they were sitting in the living room. We finished, and I looked down at him and I was like, "Oh God, you're covered in blood. Oh shit. I guess we'll get some paper towels." He put one finger up and said, "Give me one moment." He walks out with nothing on but the bloody condom, in the middle of the day, into the living room. He has to go through the living room to get to the kitchen. And then I just heard him saying from the bedroom, "Guys — I killed her!" Everybody screamed and ran out of the living room.

Kyle, 23, Seattle

Tell me about your costume.
I'm an AT-ST driver, and I'm with a Star Wars costuming group. We're here at ComiCon trying raise some money for a charity.

How much in-group incest is there?
There are the occasional times after cons when we go out, get totally wasted and, uh… yeah. We do have quite a few women in the group and our garrison and people will hook up and have some fun. Sometimes more than two at a time.

Really? Have you?
I have not been so lucky. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of armor. That's kind of a drawback.

Wait, wait. Do they incorporate the armor? Is that a thing?
Well, all I can say is that I'm not that high on the totem pole there. I have mostly soft costumes, but the harder the armor you have, the better off in the standings you are.

So, the guy dressed up as Darth Vader, is he the leader and therefore the one having the most sex?
Well, he's married, but he likes to pretend he's God. And as far as we're concerned, yeah, we bow down to him.

 

Mark, 31, New York

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
I actually do. This was in Florida. She was a Magic Dancer.

Oh, the cheerleaders?
Yes. We're at a party. We're going at it on the couch, but we're so fucking drunk that we both pass out.

In the middle of the party?
No, the party's way over. The sun's coming up. She's getting up, and that wakes me up. And I'm like, "All right, round two!" But it's not looking too good. She goes over to the stereo, turns around, unbuckles her belt, pulls her pants down, and starts peeing on it. I'm laughing and trying to figure out what to do, and she's looking for the handle, trying to flush the stereo.

 

Angie, 22, Chicago

Do you have any crazy exes?
Most of them. When I first moved back to Chicago I met this really attractive Englishman who was sort of homeless. He moved into my house, we had amazing sex for seven months, then he sold all my things for crack money and transgendered prostitutes.

Uhh…
He wasn't, like, homeless homeless — he had a buskers license, so he was a professional public performer. But then his license ran out, and he didn't bother getting another one, and suddenly needed money for crack. And transgendered prostitutes.

You are making this up.
No! I'm not! I mean, I kind of knew about the crack habit, but it didn't really bother me because what you do to your body is your business, so long as you're not hurting anyone else. But then, well, you know. He sold all my shit in one big go, and then tried to take my cat. I mean, really? You're going to be homeless, on crack, and I'm supposed to let you take my cat, too?

Is the sex better or worse with homeless guys?
They're definitely more grateful, if for nothing else than to be indoors. It is a lot harder to tell them to go home, though.

 

Jake, 27, Los Angeles

What do you do?
I am a research and development scientist.

Does that help you pick up girls?
No, I usually come up with something awesomer-sounding like "tiger tamer" or something like that.

Do you have any good hookup stories?
Well, I'm sort of ordinary and monogamous, so my hookup stories are sort of bland. They're something like "I dated her for a while, and then we had sex. At home." That's pretty much my experience. There's one that's sort of interesting and funny, but it's sort of embarassing. There was a girl who wrote a post on Craigslist, and she said that she was going to Biosphere, and she only had room for one person to be there on her conjugal visits. The Biosphere is a terrarium out in the middle of the desert whose atmosphere is supposed to recreate Earth's. Scientists live there for about six months, doing experiments on sustainablity.

Did you meet her?
Yeah. She'd written, "Write what you'll do in our conjugal visit, and I will pick the best." I thought that this sounded hilarious and awesome, and I'm not really thinking anything at all about this girl. I'm thinking to myself, "I have a chance to go to Biosphere!" I'm a huge nerd, so this seems really sweet and I'm excited by science. So, I write this kind of jokey, funny, half-bodice-ripper-novel-half-dorky-environmental thing. She writes back to me and says "You win! You're really funny!" I think to myself "Yes! I'm going to Biosphere!" So, I meet her for a drink — and I won't say anything about her, but she seemed nice enough — and we're chatting and things are going well. I'm eventually like "So, Biosphere…" and she says, "Yeah, I can't believe the amount of people who actually believe that!" I was suddenly completely depressed and couldn't believe that I'd fallen for this huge, elaborate lie.

You were disappointed that you didn't get to go to Biosphere?
Yeah! I didn't even get to meet someone who was going to Biosphere.

 

Jessica, 25, Philadelphia

What do you do?
I'm like Penny from Almost Famous.

That is not a job.
Yes, it is.

You have a cupcake tattoo on your ass.
Yeah, I didn't eat meat for three years and got a cupcake on my ass for each year that I didn't eat meat. I ask people to pick the best one, and I can totally filter people out like that.

I like the one with the skull.
Wrong one! It's the pink one.

Interviews and photography by Jamie Calder, Chris Givens, Sean McGurn, Meghan Pleticha, Alex Rudinski, and Joe Streckert.