10 Hilarious Hookup Stories from People We Met in Bars

The funniest anecdotes from Nerve's popular Talking to Strangers column.

Rob, 25, New York

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
Yeah. I was the mascot for Wagner College, I was a sea-hawk, and I fucked one of the dance girls on the fifty-yard line.

Really? In the costume?
Well, I had the head. But I took it off after a minute because I couldn't breathe. It was the middle of the night, I was a freshman, and it kind of just happened that way. She was like, let's go to the football field. And I'm like, I'm the mascot. And she was like, this is weird.

She must've been really impressed by that.
Needless to say, I don't really talk to that girl.

Erica, 23, New York

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
I do have one. It was a friend of mine, we'd been friends since high school when he used to date my best friend. Years went by, long story short, we got really drunk and ended up fooling around in the bathroom, to the point where we broke the toilet. We smashed the toilet into about 50,000 pieces.

Wait a minute: how?
We were on top of the toilet, doing our thing, and the fucking toilet literally exploded. I have the pictures on my Facebook. Nobody knows why. Literally, the fucking thing just crashed. It leaked blue shit all down the stairs to my roommate's room. The next day I had to go to Home Depot and buy a toilet. Thank God my other friend is a plumber. It was hysterical. He and I are still friends. It was a stupid, drunken thing.

I feel like it would be hard to break a toilet if you were sober.
Exactly. But it was completely normal at the time. The funny part is, because we were all shit-bombed, we woke up the next morning and I go down stairs to use the bathroom and I was like, "Oh my God!" We all just started dying. Everybody woke up and we went into the bathroom and there was fucking water all over the place. It had leaked downstairs into the basement. It was terrible.

Sonni, 37, New Orleans

So, where do you work?
I tow cars.

Do you get a lot of dates through that?
Dates? Oh, hell no. My job is not sexually friendly.

Do you have any good hookup stories?
Last weekend I hooked up in the woods with a random chick with a glass eye. I lost my phone — my phone fell out and I couldn't remember what part of the woods we were in. I got... you see these mosquito bites? I have mosquito bites on my ass from being in the woods. It was this brutal vicious attack. You had this moment of pleasure and then this vicious attack coming at you. The mosquitoes were so bad that we went into the street.

So was the sex good?
It was great. Totally worth it. Never did find my phone, but I got another one.

Nathanael, 30, Portland

Do you have any hookup stories you like to brag about?
Lost my virginity in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. I was wearing my girlfriend's clothing at the time, and on substances I won't really go into detail about right now. It was awesome. We were bounced out of there, and for a year I was no longer welcome at the place where a kid can be... a man! I'm not lying.

How did they catch you?
They found this other goth girl bouncing her head on a guy's cock in the ball pit.

Was the person who caught you in costume?
I was found out by one of their cheerful uniformed employees. But part of the escort out did include a man in a mouse costume.

Danielle, 29, Seattle

Do you have any good hookup stories?
I was dating a pretty big guy, freckles all over, really cute. We were dating, and he lived in this apartment where all these other guys I used to date lived, too...

Wait a minute. There was an entire apartment of guys you used to date?
Um... yeah. Pretty much. It was me and this other girl, and we managed to date all the guys in this apartment complex, actually.

Good for you?
It was really good for me! I was really into guys who were similar to Kevin Smith. They all looked like him and had the same... well, we all liked fart jokes, it was the biggest thing we had in common. That, and drinking. You know, they were good guys. I really liked them. But, yeah. We were having sex, I was on the rag, and he had no problem with that. All of my exes and people I knew were all cool with it, but they were sitting in the living room. We finished, and I looked down at him and I was like, "Oh God, you're covered in blood. Oh shit. I guess we'll get some paper towels." He put one finger up and said, "Give me one moment." He walks out with nothing on but the bloody condom, in the middle of the day, into the living room. He has to go through the living room to get to the kitchen. And then I just heard him saying from the bedroom, "Guys — I killed her!" Everybody screamed and ran out of the living room.