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Cleaveage Is Not a Costume and Other Laws of Haloween Debauchery

Granted, it’s been a pretty scary fall, even without all the Britney Spears costumes. But that’s all the more reason to turn the sexiest holiday of the year — Halloween — into a bash. Below, fifteen laws to keep in mind if you want your October 31st to end with a scream (the kind your neighbors will envy).

  • Cleavage is not a costume. Neither is a leotard.

  • Bare-ass nudity, however, counts.

  • If you dress in BDSM gear, be prepared to act the part. In contrast, just

    because someone is dressed as a cheap crack whore, do not assume they want

    to be treated as such.

  • Bobbing for apples without using your teeth is good practice for oral


  • Wearing a werewolf mask and nothing else while growling during sex is

    good-scary; wearing an old-lady mask and nothing else while talking like

    your grandma during sex is bad-scary.

  • If you have sex for the first time with someone while in costume, the

    outfits you are wearing may permanently determine your future relationship.

    Consider this before you hook-up with Michael Jackson while dressed as

    Curious George.

  • All men are required to dress in drag for Halloween at least once. Except

    for actual drag queens, for whom Halloween should be a casual day.

  • If you want to get laid, do not dress as Howdy Doodie, Nancy Reagan or

    Richard Simmons.

  • If you throw an Eyes Wide Shut costume ball, expect the only people who

    show up to be wrinkly old men draped in cloaks.

  • Mischief Night (a.k.a. Goosey Night) is as good a time as any to try


  • The sexier her costume, the more likely she is to dress like a

    pencil case the rest of the year.

  • A man in a suit dressed as a man in a suit (say, a lawyer dressed as a

    banker) is barred from receiving oral sex for a period of two years.

  • Borrowing your friends’ newborn so you can attend a Halloween party as a

    “new Dad,” thereby attracting more female attention, sounds like a better

    idea than it actually is.

  • If you’re going to take candy from strangers, make sure it’s wrapped.

  • Sorry folks, he’s not really a fireman.

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