20 Classic Douchebag Quotes, from The Quotable Douchebag, compiled by Margaret McGuire - Nerve.com


From The Quotable Douchebag compiled by Margaret McGuire © 2009 Quirk Productions, Inc. Used with permission.

Share this article:


 

48 Comments

Alot of this was just the truth, which apparently some just can't handle.

L commented on 09/08

Come on, the Canada crack is pretty funny and, let's be honest, accurate.

kgc commented on 09/08

I cannot believe that Clayton Williams line. Holy eff.

whoa commented on 09/08

Ronald Reagan disappointed me with his...

b commented on 09/08

I really loved the one about Van Damme's cream-filled hard seed. I gotta stand up for Pete Wentz. His quote shows self aware douchiness, which is ok in my book.

PNC commented on 09/08

I think that the Reagan quote is taken way out of context.

BBO commented on 09/08

This actually make me like pete wentz more...

celi commented on 09/08

Mostly agree, but the Canada quote is awesome. Sorry.

KF commented on 09/08

Still hate Pete Wentz but at least he knows he's a douche, the Van Damme quote was hilarious.

GV commented on 09/08

this is great : )

dj commented on 09/08

oh the HOFF

TP commented on 09/08

The first one and last one are clearly out of place, since they're self-aware and busting on themselves. The rest are classic.

SG commented on 09/08

re the tucker carlson quote: pretty sure most people up here are used to these sorts of comments by now.

aj commented on 09/08

Someone needs to look up "tongue-in-cheek". Not all of these quotes are serious.

rr commented on 09/08

Saying "Gene Simmons, Israeli-American rockstar" instead of "Gene Simmons, Kiss" is pretty douchey, Margaret. Can a woman be a douchebag? I would like this addressed by a panel of experts.

JMH commented on 09/08

I don't know how many of of these are out of context, but considering Schwartzenager has given his full support to marriage equality, these are all cast in doubt.

ag commented on 09/09

i think the schwartzeneggar quote was something he SAID, but it was a mis-statement. he was answering a bunch of questions in a row... questions are hard!

poo commented on 09/09

oh rush limbaugh, when will you ever learn?

JO commented on 09/09

Rush will never learn. NEVER!

OJ commented on 09/09

Don't be so quick to laugh off the Reagan line; I bet most of us do ball up Latin America into one stereotype.

GM commented on 09/10

The cheap shots mixed in with the deservedly douchey contaminate the whole stew. Wake up, Marge!

DD commented on 09/10

The Jews need Heraldo Rivera like they need another settlement in the West Bank.

NF commented on 09/10

Warren Beatty..... ok, that was funny. And i'd prefer a nice looking 40 yr old........ But that eejit re inbreeding and championship horses had me chuckling out loud.

cj commented on 09/10

oh the HUB - reincarnated as R. Kelly, to take a walk on the African-American wild side. Child-exploiter!

MM commented on 09/10

Tucker's line about Canada is funny, not douche-- and kinda true. And Warren Beatty's is just a plain joke and a riff on his womanizing-- he doesn't believe that shyte.

PL commented on 09/11

Gay marriage is recognized right across Canada. While Americans like to go on about "freedom" and "equality for all," Canada quietly lives those ideals. I'm paraphrasing Dan Savage.

HKL commented on 09/12

This whole article seems skewed.

AM commented on 09/15

ok since a few of you think the canada quote is funny...here i have one for americans... "america is a stupid country, its like that inbred cousin that you see at family reunion and avoid because well for one their loud and crass and for another your mother always encouraged to keep a wide a distance in fear that some of their stupidity would rub off on you"

ac commented on 09/16

The Canada quote was definitely douchy, but you have to admit that is how a lot of other countries (stereotypically speaking, especially the US) see us Canadians. Offensive, but not anything new. :P

ms commented on 09/18

definitely need the year of the quote for full douche factor and self-awareness.

bk commented on 09/21

I liked the gene simmons quote, it wouldn't be funny if it weren't so true

jt commented on 09/21

To Defend JCVD, that was really tongue in cheek. He didn't care about what the reporter was asking him.

Cl commented on 09/21

The Limbaugh quote is phony, has never been sourced. Christ I know this is a semi-obscure web site but do your homework, a modicum of journalist standards wouldn't hurt.

DS commented on 09/21

lol ac...so true. some american's are so ignorant sometimes. the majority of their counter terrorism intelligence is made up of Canadians, so much for being their "retarded cousins"

jd commented on 09/21

The Clayton Williams one is even more spectacular when you consider that he said it DURING the campaign! As I recall, he was up almost 20 points the day he said it, and toast right after (Last time Texas has gotten anything right politically)

bjb commented on 09/21

some of these are not douchebaggish at all.... just reasonable opinions

Stev commented on 09/22

A) JMH speaks true when he (I'm guessing) says 'saying Gene Simmons, Israeli-American rockstar" instead of "Gene Simmons, Kiss" is pretty douchey". B) Gene Simmons was just speaking the truth.

TQ commented on 09/22

This page doesn't work on iPhones, fix please

Br commented on 09/23

Yo Margaret, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but Kanye West had one of the best douchebag quotes of all time. One of the BEST DOUCHEBAG QUOTES OF ALL TIME!!

TP commented on 09/24

So I see a whole lot of republican rips, 6 out of twenty? Yeah it's not like Pelosi or Kerry or Gore have ANY quotable humdingers like the cankle queen ""We are the President"-Hillary Clinton" Yeah that's right chicks can be douchebags!

bcb commented on 09/24

Tucker Carlson is a douche bag and his little school boy taunts on Canada were lame. However, I'm sure his small audience probably found it hilarious, but ask them to point Canada out on a map and see what happens. This coming from country were an estimated 44% of the population believed God created Earth 10000 years ago, where death panels somehow became synonymous with universal health care,where the death penalty is somehow viewed as a deterrent, and the new film on Darwin is having a hard time finding a distributor in the US. Last time I looked the Darwin film had no problems finding distributors in the Great White North. Check out John Stewart's verbally bitch slapping Carlson as a fake on Crossfire and you'll get a better idea how shallow and vapid this 'man' really is. I'll close by quoting the late, great George Carlin, who may have been thinking of Tucker Carlson when he said "F**k Tucker, Tucker sucks".

T.W commented on 09/24

This is freaking FANTASTIC! I want MORE! we need a "Quotable Douchebag" BOOK! I will buy it! Incredible!

ACMK commented on 09/25

Hey, Ms McGuire, it looks like kgc and PL have earned themselves a spot in your follow-up book 'Douchiest Posts Ever'.

TLR commented on 09/25

I've been to Canada. Beautiful country. Nice people. Canadians are patriotic without the nationalistic fervor that is part of American "patriotism." They don't think they're better than every other country on the globe. Canada doesn't act like the schoolyard bully of the world. If anyone is "retarded", it's Tucker Carlson and his kind.

tmc commented on 09/27

TW is 100% correct. Carlson and his audience couldn't find Canada on a map. They probably believe the entire country speaks French.

tmc commented on 09/27

tmc - not everyone in Canada speaks French, just the douchebags

md commented on 09/30

My favorite d-bag quote as "all Fox news anchors are douchebags" that Marg McGuire can sure be a douchebag- fun book though

KB commented on 10/06

The word douchebag was stolen for use by the intelligentsia, oh, about a year or two ago they started using it. Now it's in every blog, every sentence of every blog, every second e-mail. I wonder when the geeks will tire of it and pick another word to beat to death. What they're secretly using it for, of course, is as a weapon in class warfare, hurling stones at people they perceive as beneath them. You people would be very lame at a party, complete soul-sucking, back-stabbing idiots with your carefully arranged hair and wardrobe. That is all.

MM commented on 10/25
 

Leave a Comment


Initials




We are ardently committed to free expression, but we do expect Nerve visitors and contributors to interact respectfully and responsibly. Blatant expressions of bigotry, sexism or hatred may be constitutionally protected on the street corner, but they're not cool here.



Mutual of Omaha by Rachel Shukert
In my Jewish Nebraskan youth group, they taught more than Hebrew.
Planet 51 by Scott Von Doviak
The premise is Pixar-caliber; the execution is strictly terrestrial. /entertainment/
Sex Advice From . . . Dungeons and Dragons Players by Eric Larnick
Q. What has D&D taught you about dating? A. Some days you're the knight, some days you're the dragon. /advice/
Nerve Made Me Do It: New Moon Midnight Screening by Jack Harrison
We send a professor of medieval literature to face 1,000 screaming Twilight fans.
Talking to Strangers by Sean McGurn and Meghan Pleticha
Nerve asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
Everything I Know About Love I Learned From... Pedro Almodovar by Phil Nugent
Five lessons on romance from Penelope Cruz's favorite director. /entertainment/
Awesome Advice, Way to Go! by Erin Bradley
Always pepper your column with a healthy dose of slut-shaming. /advice/
Celebrity Look-alikes by Glenn Glasser
Who's that girl? We hit the streets to find famous doppelgangers.