Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
And God made, apart from Heaven, a garden, which was vaguely tedious, and studded with stenches. And feeling both the stench and the tedium, and feeling a need to do violence to them, God made the boy.
And God gave the boy a huge cock, which pleased Him, and which pleased the boy.
And the boy played with his huge cock, alone, for hours, and the stinking tedious garden resounded his dateless delight.
And God, seeing the datelessness of the delight, put a deep sleep upon the boy, whereupon He lifted the boy's huge cock up into Heaven and held it close to His ownmost cheek, whereupon He closed his eyes and pressed the delicate cock-head to His closed lids and to His lashes, and whereupon He felt the silky sink-hole of His own divine mind.
And God loved His own silky sink-hole so, He found himself having imagined the eye-balls beneath His lids.
And God forthwith placed His eyeballs, which He could not endure, in a silky sack, which He attached to the boy's huge cock, and which He placed back upon the boy as He wakened him from his fruitless sleep.
And the boy began again to play with his huge cock and with his newfound sack, God's own eyeballs, and now from his huge cock issued the stuff of life, pouring forth uselessly into the dust.
And God saw the stuff of life, the stuff of His own eyes, poured into the dust and upon the fruitless bushes, and He said, "This dust, these bushes . . . do not know how to take it."
And so God, from the fast-evaporating silky sink-hole of His own divine mind, made woman.
And God placed woman in the tedium and the stench of the garden beside the boy, and beside the boy's huge cock, and God said to the boy, "Behold: pussy," and the boy understood the word of God for the first and the last time.
And so in the garden there was silky-good pussy and a huge cock, and this pleased God, and this pleased the boy, and God's eyeballs rose up through the boy's cock and spilled out into the pussy, for which the boy was always at first grateful.
And the woman, with the huge cock turned toward her, and indeed, turned into her, was the intersection of two immense pleasures — the boy's and God's — and she did not know which, if either, was hers. She could not decide.
And this indecision became her, became woman, and in herself, pussy was often withheld from the boy.
And God began to pine for the boy's huge cock, for the silky sink-hole of His own divine mind began to forget itself, and so God made His eyeballs inside the woman — and inside every woman from that day forward — begin to grow, and to cause the woman both joy and pain at the same time.
And from the grown eyeballs of God came forth another woman, and from her, other women, and from them, other women and other boys, and with each one came either a huge cock or a new silky-good pussy, and before much time there were too many cocks, too many pussies, to be accurately counted.
And so, despite the tedium and the stench of the garden, and despite the frequent indecision of every woman, and despite the prevalance of smaller and smaller cocks, much pussy was nevertheless found and filled up with God's eyeballs, and for this, God and everyone who was ever really there was thankful.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
