Screengrab by Various Today in Nerve's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
1. Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope. Doesn't anyone care that Mariah Carey has a brand-new album out?
2. What's it like to call your friends up and say "Guess what, I'm the new Pope." It must be incredible. Even better than telling them you got the lead in Elektra.
3. There are a lot of people running around right now freaking out about whether this Pope is going to be crazily conservative, as if they've adhered to anything the Pope ever told them to do. Please. Beyoncé has more influence over the average American's life than the Pope. Larry King, too. And The Wiggles.
4. And the Pope can say whatever the heck he wants. I'm still playing Grand Theft Auto.
5. This Pope once blasted rock music as a "vehicle of anti-religion." I don't know about that. But I wouldn't mind if he promised me that the Eagles were going to hell.
6. I don't feel like making jokes about the Pope's funny outfit. I feel like if I do that, I'm one step away from saying, "Thanks for coming to the Chuckle Shack! Don't forget to tip your waitress!"
7. I love the person-on-the-street interviews about the new Pope. Oh, great, Phil from Toms River thinks Ratzinger's a good selection. Now I can rest easy.
8. Can you quit being Pope? Just wondering.
9. "Yeah, it's a cool job and all. I just want to take a year off and travel. Maybe go to Australia, chill."
10. Incidentally, I prefer crazy Mariah Carey to non-crazy Mariah Carey.
11. What if you're some old German woman and when were young, you once hooked up with the guy who turned out to be new Pope? That would make going to church a little more interesting, wouldn't it?
12. I don't enjoy getting my breaking news from Brian Williams. On TV, yes, but especially in person.
13. Hey what's with that ad guy Donnie Deutsch who's got a show on CNBC. Did he win a contest? He's okay, but would it kill him to put on a tie? He dresses like he's going out on a blind date.
14. I would like to barf on almost everyone who's appeared on Dinner for Five.
15. Sorry, new Pope.
16. Do I really need to avoid not one but two Ashton Kutcher movies?
17. Does the Pope see movies? I bet if you're watching a movie with the Pope and a dirty part comes on, it's super embarrassing.
18. And you're like, "Sorry, your Holiness," and he's like, "Nah, don't worry about it, bro."
19. Here's a show idea for MTV: Pope My Ride.
20. "Yo, check it — we took out the trunk and installed a phat holy-water dispenser."
21. You think it's a dumb idea, but right now MTV's got a reality show featuring the drummer from Blink 182. The drummer? I'd rather watch two raccoons slow-bake a ham.
22. How many people who went to Rome to see the new Pope went out on the town that night and did some very non-Popeish stuff? More than a few is my guess. People: you gotta love ‘em!
23. I'm waiting to see what the Pope says about that new Weezer album before I fork over $16.99 for it.
24. Man, you can't kill Weezer with a stick, can you?
25. If this column is the reason I get rejected at the Pearly Gates, that is really going to be lame.
26. But what if God's like, "It wasn't the 29 Thoughts About the Pope. It was the 29 Thoughts About Conor Oberst. That column sucked!"
27. Here's hoping the Pope remembers the rest of us — the Godless, the sinners, the soulless, the Nerve Premium subscribers.
28. But how long until the New Pope loses that New Pope smell?
29. Thanks for coming to the Chuckle Shack! Don't forget to tip your waitress!n°
4. And the Pope can say whatever the heck he wants. I'm still playing Grand Theft Auto.
10. Incidentally, I prefer crazy Mariah Carey to non-crazy Mariah Carey.
12. I don't enjoy getting my breaking news from Brian Williams. On TV, yes, but especially in person.
14. I would like to barf on almost everyone who's appeared on Dinner for Five.
21. You think it's a dumb idea, but right now MTV's got a reality show featuring the drummer from Blink 182. The drummer? I'd rather watch two raccoons slow-bake a ham. 
24. Man, you can't kill Weezer with a stick, can you?
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
