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Dating Advice from . . . Dancers

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Jesse Bedirian, 38

I had a date with a guy the other night. I left him a voicemail afterward, but instead of calling me back, he texted me: "had a gr8 time, lets do it again." Does he mean it, or would he have called if he were serious?
The question shouldn't be what he thinks, it should be how does this make you feel. If being texted makes you feel insecure, find someone who calls you and tells you they're interested in you. Shift control to yourself.

I'm in the midst of an eight-month sex drought, and I'm starting to think girls can sense my desperation. How can I get my confidence back?
A sex drought is a pretty good opportunity to become a person that's genuinely attractive.

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To me, it sounds like "having confidence" means "being a player" to you, which begs the question, why did this quit working? It's a good time to think about how far being shallow and wanting instant gratification can take you.

I follow politics closely, but my boyfriend is totally ignorant of what's going on in the world. He says he doesn't see the point of stressing himself out, but I think it makes him seem self-aborbed. Are my misgivings valid?
I think the main point here is stress. Politics is incredibly dark and negative. It may truly stress him out, so if you're really concerned about him, help him be involved in something positive. Being self-absorbed is a separate issue.

Every time I meet a new girl, I swear she's the love of my life. Then I rush things, and the relationship falls apart. How can I change this pattern?
If you're so knocked off-center by falling in love, it's no wonder things aren't working out. It takes time to get to know someone. Your first reaction to someone isn't necessarily your most conscious self. If you can calm that love "sickness," you can stay present for the process.

Some people are reluctant to date a dancer because they're self-conscious about their own dancing abilities. How do you put someone at ease about this?
Personally — and I think most dancers feel this way — it's not how you dance, it's if you're willing to dance at all. I can't handle any dance that makes fun of the fact that you're dancing, like "the sprinkler" or the "putting the groceries in the cart" dance. I don't care how gawky or ridiculous you look, I just want to dance with you.

If someone wanted to impress you, where should they take you dancing?
To a concert where everyone is totally getting down. And the person shouldn't have to drink or do drugs to do it. If they have to leave their body to have an experience with their body, I'm not impressed.

Vehia Walker, 29

I'm casually dating three different women right now. I haven't disclosed this to any of them. Is it okay that I'm sleeping with all of them as long as I always wear a condom?
That's a little messy. Be honest and let the women decide if that's okay with them. You'd be surprised how cool people are with that sort of thing nowadays. Plus, it's better they hear it from you than from someone else.

My boss's secretary is hot, and she flirts with me a lot. I want to pursue it, but can see the potential for awkwardness. What should I do?
First, make sure your boss isn't dating her. If not, then go for it. I don't see a problem with work romances, personally. If things don't work out, it might be weird, but as long as you're both mature about it and not psychos, you should be okay.

What's the rule on dating friends' past lovers? What if they only went on a few dates? Fair game?
Not fair game. It's not a good idea to date people your friends have dated. There may be exceptions, but in general, no. If you just can't help yourself, you have to at least ask your friend if it would bother them, which it probably will.

I'm tired of looking for love in bars. Where else can I meet people?
Yeah, bars and clubs don't really work out. The past few times I've met someone at a club they turned out to be nuts. The street is a great place to meet people. Really. When you're walking down the street, you're more your real self, you're more open. In the bar, you're a different person — you're drinking, you're out with friends. I've gotten hit on on the street coming home from work a lot. Once I met a guy while walking to the store, and it ended up being a two-year relationship.

Every time I meet a new girl, I swear she's the love of my life. Then I rush things, and the relationship falls apart. How can I change this pattern?
I've actually done the same thing. My rule now is no texting back and forth; you can only call them. Try to go out on real dates and learn more about the person. Think of it as courting the person. Once you have sex, the person quits trying to know you. They're just wondering when you're going to do it again.


Luis Davila, 33
www.mbdancecompany.com

What's the rule on dating friends' past lovers? What if they only went on a few dates? Fair game?
Never. It's disrespectful to date someone your friend did, and your friend is always going to wonder if you were checking the person out while they were still dating.

I'm in the midst of an eight-month sex drought, and I'm starting to think girls can sense my desperation. How can I get my confidence back?
Maybe it's good that you haven't had sex. Maybe it'll help you realize what you really want. In a way, not having sex for eight months should actually give you confidence — that's hardcore if you can go that long.

I just asked a girl out to dinner, and when she said yes, she said we should try this restaurant I'd never heard of. I said okay, then found out it's about $100 per person. I don't really want to spend that much. How can I back out without seeming like a cheapskate?
I would just tell her you've changed your mind and you'd rather do something else. That's an expensive first date. I'd save that for later; she might just be trying to milk you. For someone to be treated to an expensive dinner, they have to show some genuine interest, and I don't mean like they're just willing to give it up.

If someone wanted to impress you, where should they take you dancing?
The Copacabana, because there's live music and it's a good place to get a sense of rhythm. But in general, go to an club where there's all kinds of music: hip-hop, house, hip jazz.

Somewhere to boogie as opposed to ballroom?
Yeah, I'm talking about getting down. Like, "This is my space, this is your space, if we come together, cool; if not, that's cool."

I'm tired of looking for love in bars. Where else can I meet people?
Yoga or sports — active things. When your adrenaline is high from physical exertion, your body is releasing endorphins and other good things and that make you and the other person more attractive. Adrenaline, energy, sweat — that's a good time.

Mariana Bekerman-Taglienti, 32
www.mbdancecompany.com

I'm in the midst of an eight-month sex drought, and I'm starting to think girls can sense my desperation. How can I get my confidence back?
Jerk off more often so you don't look like you need to release anywhere else.

I had a date with a guy the other night. I left him a voicemail afterward, but instead of calling me back, he texted me. Would he have called if he were serious?
I'm finding out that a lot of men have a hard time communicating. I'm also finding out that today, due to technology, a lot of our relationships are becoming virtual. I think it's a problem. Texting can be disrespectful. If someone were really interested, they would call.

Some people are reluctant to date a dancer because they're self-conscious about their own dancing abilities. What's your advice?
On the very first date, you could be clear and tell them that you're not a great dancer. That's okay, not everyone has to be a great dancer. If you have strong self-esteem, I don't see how that should be intimidating.

I'm casually dating three different women right now, and haven't disclosed this to any of them. Is it okay that I'm sleeping with all of them as long as I always wear a condom?
They should know that it's an open relationship. But if they're under the impression that it's exclusive, that's not cool. Then you're lying, you're misleading. And make sure you keep that condom on.

I just asked a girl out to dinner, and when she said yes, she said we should try this restaurant I'd never heard of. I said okay, and then found out it's about $100 per person. I don't really want to spend that much. How can I back out without seeming like a cheapskate?
On a first date, you don't take someone to a $100-a-plate restaurant. That may already be a sign she's materialistic. Still, I'm a big advocate of following through on what you say you're going to do. If you've already told her you'd go there with her, then get over it. Lesson learned.  

Interviews by David Callicott. Dating Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

 

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