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Dating Advice from . . . Clowns

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Kinko the Clown, 38
bindlestiff.org

How can I pick up a clown?

Buy him a drink, then ask if you can squeeze his nose. Buying the drink first is crucial for this to work.

My boyfriend lost his job and has since become completely directionless. He sits at home and watches TV all day. How can I get him back in the game?

promotion

Don’t sleep with him until he gets a job. If that doesn’t work, take a sledgehammer to the TV set. After that, go through the Yellow Pages, find the cheapest party clown you can and make his night.

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. How can we make sure our sex life doesn’t get boring?

Install a trapeze over the bed.

What can clowning teach us about dating and relationships?

Flexibility and a sense of humor are key.

My girlfriend dumped her previous boyfriend so she could start dating me. He’s jealous and angry, and I know we’re going to bump into him at some point; I’m afraid he’ll cause a scene. How should I handle this when it happens?

Make a big scene before he can, then don’t back down. If he tries to start something, you play bigger. There is a reason people are scared of clowns.

Little Brooklyn, "ageless”
littlebrooklyn.com


How can becoming a clown get me laid?

Chicks dig big feet.

What word should never be used when talking dirty in bed?

Me, I don’t like food used to reference private parts: meat curtains, beef sausage, salami sandwich . . .

What clown trick can be used to woo a hot stranger?

Slide a whoopie cushion under their seat. Think about it: you have to be really comfortable with someone to pass gas in front of them.

My girlfriend dumped her previous boyfriend so she could start dating me. He’s jealous and angry and I know we’re going to bump into him at some point, and I’m afraid he’ll cause a scene. How should I handle this when it happens?

Play it cool. There’s a reason she’s with you and not him anymore. If he causes a scene, take the higher road and walk away, or say, “I’ve no beef with you, my friend.” That’s what the kids say these days, right? Then offer a friendly snack, like a can of nuts.

Oh, the hilarity when the giant snake pops out!

He will laugh and laugh.

What can clowning teach us about dating and relationships?

Don’t take everything so seriously. Timing is everything. Don’t go to bed angry. Okay, that last one was my grandma’s, but it’s a good one.

How can I pick up a clown?

Compliment the shoes. It’s really no different than picking up a supermodel.

Mark Gindick, 31
happyhourclowns.com

What word should never be used in bed?

Finished?

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. How can we make sure our sex life doesn’t get boring?

Pull a good practical joke on him. Then reward him with sex, but only if he takes it well.

How can becoming a clown get me laid?

Girls love to laugh.

How can I pick up a clown?

Be fearless. For a clown, I’m actually very shy. I need a fearless girl to ask me out.

I’m considering dating a Hillary supporter. As an Obamaphile, what sort of bedroom shenanigans should I expect?

She’ll never be satisfied.

Amy G, “young at heart”
amy-g.com

My girlfriend dumped her previous boyfriend so she could start dating me. He’s jealous and angry and I know we’re going to bump into him at some point, and I’m afraid he’ll cause a scene. How should I handle this when it happens?

When you see him coming, start whistling Ennio Morricone’s High Noon theme. Drawing attention to the showdown immediately makes it manageable and kind of fun.

My boyfriend lost his job and has since become completely directionless. He sits at home and watches TV all day. How can I get him back in the game?
If you can’t beat him, join him. Take a day off work, maybe a Friday or a Monday so you can have three full days to make fun of each other drooling on the couch. Reflection is the best teacher, I say. And you’ll get a chance to talk to him about what’s going on. Something is bound to come from nothing.

What word or phrase should never be used in bed?
“Sorry.” So unsexy. There’s also the classically tragic, “Is it in?”

After years of roommates, I recently moved in with my boyfriend. How can we make sure our sex life doesn’t get boring?
Go fearlessly into domestic life and take every chance you can get to screw on surfaces previously communal.

What can clowning teach us about dating and relationships?
Imperfections are just perfect. Nobody laughs at somebody walking in perfect stride. They laugh at the trip. That’s where we connect — at our soft spots. So if you can look at yourself, love the cracks and expose them, so will your lover. Exposing your crack leads to stronger relationships.

My first girlfriend landed a sweet job in Los Angeles at a publicity firm. She said that she wanted to try the long-distance-relationship thing, but I’m not so sure. Can long-distance relationships work?
If you and your Hollywood-bigshot-ladyfriend have open minds, polyamory is an option for geographically challenged couples. For instance, I tour constantly. Six months away from a New York lover would mean a diabolically suppressed sexuality if I didn’t find other lovers to fill the gaps. Everybody’s got to be on board (she’ll find some serious LA action, too), but it is possible. You’ve seen how many clowns we can fit in a little car — you should see how many fit in a twin bed.

 

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