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Dating Advice From . . . Fixed-Gear Bikers

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Hope, 25

What's the best way to hit on a fixed-gear biker?
Minimize all chance of possible injury. Riding a fixed-gear is scary! Also, do not wait for your fixed-gear beloved to lock up their bike, then covertly let all the air out of their tires, so that later you can "coincidentally" show up with a hand pump to save the day. If you meet each other while riding, ask if you can accompany them for a while. Just be prepared to go fast and not stop. Or, talk to them about the experience of riding this type of bike. When did they first start riding? How did they learn about fixed-gears? What's different about the bike? It truly is a unique sensation and any fixed-gear rider, who isn't too full of herself, will love to divulge.

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I want to plan a bike-friendly date. What should I do?
Don't make everything about the bike. Go somewhere afterwards — on the bike of course — like to dinner, or a movie. Getting ice cream after a bike ride is also super-cute, and romantic.

What can you tell about the sexual proclivities of a guy who rides:

a road bike?
He'll need time to adjust as the pace quickens or slows. So give him time, and let him know as he's approaching a hill.

a mountain bike?
He'll relish the unpredictable bumps and holes as a chance to test out his shocks.

a fixed-gear?
He wants to keep it simple. He won't be interested in fancy accessories — he'll see them as added weight. Also, once he starts, he won't want to stop!

Avery, 33

Is a beach cruiser y a deal breaker?
Not unless her ass fills up the whole seat.

I just ran into my ex-girlfriend. She looked really good. We had a terrible breakup, but I'm going through a dry spell. Should I call her?
No.

Why not?
It's never good to revisit old relationships. Unless you live in different states.

How can I tell if a girl is going to look good naked?
Look at your bar tab.


Brant, 34


I told my girlfriend — who has great tits, but short, stubby legs — that maybe she shouldn't wear mini-skirts. She got really pissed. What's the best way to do damage control?
Buy her a pair of black, pinstripe slacksform-fitting. She's got a nice ass, right?

Yes.
Get her the pants, have her put them on, then buy her three margaritas. Once you've both had a few margaritas, while she has the pants on, rub her ass, but don't ignore her tits. Because that's going to turn her on right there, like socks on a rooster.

I just ran into my ex-girlfriend. She looked really good. We had a terrible breakup, but I'm going through a dry spell. Should I call her?
I wouldn't call her, because I'd be afraid of her expectations. But, if the sex was good, and I'd had a few drinks, I'd call her. If the sex was mediocre, I wouldn't call her.

What can you tell about the sexual proclivities of a girl who rides a:

fixed-gear?
She's can put the squeeze on you, because her legs are so strong. She could almost squeeze you into submission, and she's got a lot of stamina.

mountain bike?
She likes to change gears, so she'd diddle you pretty well. Your balls and stuff.

Clementine, 24

Do fixed-gear bikers make better lovers?
In my experience, yes, ma'am, they do.

I want to plan a bike-friendly date. What should I do?
In New York City, where I live, I suggest you ride along the West Side Highway at dusk. Or, bring a picnic to Coney Island or Prospect Park, depending on your endurance.

I hear if you get your finger caught in the chain of a fixed-gear bike, while the pedals are moving, your fingers might get sliced off. What's the worst thing about not having fingers? What's the best?
Well, having your face caressed by nubbins is a bit off-putting. And the grabbing of ass could lose some of it's oomph. But, it is pretty badass.

I told my girlfriend — who has great tits, but short, stubby legs — that maybe she shouldn't wear mini-skirts. She got really pissed. What's the best way to do damage control?
Never say that again. Speaking as someone with short legs, we know. But short skirts feel fucking great.

What's the best sex position when you're sore after riding your bike all day?
On the bottom. Missionary, or doggy-style, you can stretch out those quads and glutes!

Interviews by Kathryn Savage. Dating Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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