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Dossy, 32

dossy.org

Everyone knows that the best place for a web-design meetup is one with free WiFi. But what essential features characterize a perfect first-date spot?

A good date venue has to be a place you’d go to whether or not you’re on a date. That way, no matter how the date goes, you’re still going to have a good time.

Good web designers have a knack for aesthetics. Given your discerning eye, how should a date dress to impress you?

Appearance, like good design, should be functional and elegant. Dress in a way that highlights your best features. Don’t go overboard. Keep your audience in mind. Don’t spend so much time and effort that if it goes unnoticed, you’ll be upset. Keep things simple, which is actually very hard to do.

Many of the web designers I know are proficient in a number of computer languages. But are they also proficient in the language of love? What’s the no-fail pickup line you’ve used a thousand times?

The best "pick-up" is to learn about the other person and communicate with them in a way that creates a meaningful connection. Of course, communicating with a machine in its language is a lot more precise than dealing with the fuzziness of humankind, which is what makes relationships challenging. A pick-up line that’d probably work on me might be, "Hey, I’ve been trying to get WordPress to do something. Could you help?" I’m a sucker for folks who have tech challenges to solve. Especially if they’re blonde.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now, and he’s never hinted at marriage, or even the possibility of moving in together! Shouldn’t he know by now whether I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Am I wasting my time?

Most guys don’t know what they want to do tomorrow, let alone for the rest of their lives. If you want him to move in and marry you, perhaps you should just ask. If you’re going to be passive about it, perhaps you are wasting your time — and his.

I’m twenty-eight and I’ve never even kissed a guy, let alone gotten dirty beneath the sheets. At this point in my life, any and all intimate acts seem terrifying and out-of-reach, making me unable to relax on first dates. How can I move past this?

Email me your picture, right away. I’ll find ways to help you relax. Where would you like to go on our first date?

Matt, 30

www.myspace.com/stingraythebold

Everyone knows that the best place for a web-design meetup is one with free WiFi. But what essential features characterize a perfect first-date spot?

Well, as much as I like the traditional "dinner-and-a-movie" idea, I strongly suggest replacing it with "dinner-and-a-social-activity-that-you-can-both-enjoy." Movies are fun, but even silly things like miniature golf, bowling or just meeting at a coffee shop — WiFi and laptops optional — give you more interaction and a chance to really get a good feel for each other, literally and figuratively. Then, when it comes time for that second or third date, you can get cuddly and popcorn-y with a movie.

Many of the web designers I know are proficient in a number of computer languages. But are they also proficient in the language of love? What’s the no-fail pickup line you’ve used a thousand times?

Humor of any kind is the ultimate potential-date attention-getter. Personally, I equate sarcasm and wit with verbal foreplay. If a girl can dish it out and take it, and match wits with me, then it’s on!

Ctrl-Z: the magical keyboard shortcut for "undo" that makes (almost) everything better. Looking back on past bad-date behavior, which conversations and supposedly slick moves do you wish you could undo?

Never ever bring up anything about an ex on a first date. You’re potentially starting over with someone new on a date, so this is a huge step backward, and indicates that you have serious baggage. Your date’s flight is not going wait for you load it.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now, and he’s never hinted at marriage, or even the possibility of moving in together! Shouldn’t he know by now whether I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Am I wasting my time?

I personally know couples that have dated for several years, broken up for a year or two, and then gotten back together and gotten married. There is no set time limit for "knowing." If you want to know his thoughts on marriage or moving in, the best thing to do is ask him!

My girlfriend wants to open up our relationship and see other people, yet she insists she still cares about me. Is this the end for us? Should I agree to this arrangement in the hopes that she’ll one day realize I’m the only one she needs, or am I setting myself up for further heartbreak?

Sometimes people need to take a break from a relationship to figure out more about what they want. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end. Sometimes seeing other people helps you realize that you don’t want to see other people. And sometimes seeing other people makes you realize that you weren’t actually good for each other. In short, taking a break can give you both a new perspective. Agree to the arrangement only if you can look upon it with that attitude, and have an open mind about it.

     

  

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Boris, 27


www.borissmirnov.com

My girlfriend doesn’t seem to appreciate all I do for her, lamenting the lack of romance in our relationship and my own lack of thoughtfulness. Meanwhile, I clean the dishes, debug her computer, scrub the kitchen counters… How can I make her see that I’m showing her I care in the best way I know how?

Listen to her. There are most likely little things that you are not paying attention to. Also I would rethink your mindset; most likely, you also don’t appreciate everything she does for you. If you’re serious about your relationship, then what you do for her should mean nothing to you. In fact, you should be ready to leap and do twice as much. If you’re counting things and keeping tally, then it’s more like a business arrangement.
Surprise her with a candlelit dinner one night and tell her that you are incapable of expressing your thankfulness to the appropriate degree due to the limits of human language. Ask her what you can do to make her happier and to show her that you care.

I’m twenty-eight and I’ve never even kissed a guy, let alone gotten dirty beneath the sheets. At this point in my life, any and all intimate acts seem terrifying and out-of-reach, making me unable to relax on first dates. How can I move past this?

Don’t make intimacy the final goal of the dating game. Look for a good person and a friend whom you can communicate with, and who understands you and is willing to take things one day at a time.

My wife’s grandmother got married when she was sixteen. She’d not only never kissed a guy, but her mom didn’t even tell her what a period was, or that there was such a thing as sex. Imagine their wedding night! She ran out in horror, screaming when her new husband explained to her what was about to happen. They worked it out, had three children and now have a big happy family with many grandchildren. So don’t worry.

A friend and I have always been attracted to each other, but the timing has been off. We’re finally both single, but I worry that it’s too late to take things to the next level. Would it be weird?

Friendship is a very important foundation for a good relationship. So moving from "just friends" to something more isn’t necessarily a bad idea. Many relationships fail because people do not understand each other on a basic level. It’s best to take things slow. You can start by spending more time together, but don’t push anything. Let things develop naturally.

I’m involved with a guy who travels a lot on business. As a result, I’ve been feeling increasingly isolated. As my relationship with this guy has gotten more serious, I’ve been seeing my friends less and less. Now I find myself sitting home alone and antsy all the time. What can I do?

As a person who rarely gets bored, I can hardly understand boredom. There’s so much you can do. Go to the park. Go to the local café/bookstore and browse the selection. Join a yoga or art class. If you can volunteer, volunteer. Go to a local meet-up. Think of a new skill you’d like to learn and research how you could go about it. Look up landmarks, museums and cool architecture nearby. There is so much to life, so many options and possibilities, but we somehow always choose to follow the same comfortable patterns. The only person who keeps you home alone and isolated is you.

Humans need interaction with other humans. Technology that is supposed to connect people can often do the opposite. It’s good to have a few tricks up your sleeve if you find yourself disconnected.

Sarah, 34

www.sarmonster.net/

Everyone knows that the best place for a web-design meetup is one with free WiFi. But what essential features characterize a perfect first-date spot?

Actually, if you get a web monkey anywhere near the internet, the only thing you’ll get to know is which sites they chronically check. Try kayaking, fishing, a hike, a coffee tasting. . . something exciting you’d want to do regardless of whether or not the "D" word is involved.

Good web designers have a knack for aesthetics. Given your discerning eye, how should a date dress to impress you?

We’re not going to build a corporate-bank site using pink-and-blue polka dots, so don’t present yourself as someone you’re not; we can tell. Show a little character: If you’re a fellow geek, prove it. Wear your "There’s no place like 127.0.0.1" t-shirt. There’s nothing like bonding on an in-joke. Whatever it is, it should be clean, fit well and should be unapologetically you. If it gets you rejected, you’re hunting for the wrong animal, anyway.

My girlfriend wants to open up our relationship and see other people, yet she insists she still cares about me. Is this the end for us? Should I agree to this arrangement in the hopes that she’ll one day realize I’m the only one she needs, or am I setting myself up for further heartbreak?

Many couples are happy in open relationships; many couples are not. The difference is how secure those people are in their feelings for each other. I am wired fairly monogamously. My partner is not. We have rules. I hear about it from him immediately, and not someone else; there are condoms involved if it goes that far; and he doesn’t bring drama into my territory or he will feel the wrath of the Web Wench. This may not work for you, and that’s completely understandable. Maybe she’s bored, not ready to settle down or feels trapped. I’d give her a little space, but I wouldn’t break it off yet. If you’re feeling used, confront her about it, but be prepared to walk away.

A friend and I have always been attracted to each other, but the timing has always been off. We’re finally both single, but I worry that it’s too late to take things to the next level. Would it be weird?

If you can’t shag your friends, that leaves you with strangers and enemies. Proceeding to get cozy with someone you’re already comfortable hanging out with will be easier than accidentally hitting "reply all."

I’m involved with a guy who travels a lot on business. As a result, I’ve been feeling increasingly isolated. As my relationship with this guy has gotten more serious, I’ve been seeing my friends less and less. Now I find myself sitting home alone and antsy all the time. What can I do?

You can’t expect one flawed, fragile human being to replace your pack of friends. If you don’t feel comfortable with your old social circle, find a club or group of people who do things you like to do. If he’s got a problem with you being out without him, consider it a red flag.

Interviews by Steph Auteri. Dating
Advice From… appears on Fridays. Have questions for the general
public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

  

     

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©2009 Nerve.com, Inc.