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Dating Advice from . . . Southern Belles

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Kathryn, 38, from North Carolina

How can I pick up a Southern belle?

Two tickets to a Widespread Panic show, a shot of whiskey and a side of bacon.

The girl I’ve been dating for a month says she’s still not ready to have sex. I’m starting to think she’s not attracted to me. What should I do?

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I think you know when someone’s attracted to you or not. And if it’s someone you’re really serious about, you should be able to communicate with her about it honestly. But respect her wishes.

My friend is going through a hard time with her boyfriend. I’ve been advising her to ditch him, but I have ulterior motives — I want her for myself. Am I doing anything wrong?

If you have to ask, then you know there’s something about what you’re doing that’s not quite above-board. You’re not really being a friend to her. Being a friend is helping her decide what’s best for her, not you.

I’m a lesbian, and true to stereotype, the girls I date seem to want to move in with me all too quickly. How can I keep things casual without turning them off?

Get a big, mean dog and leave your dirty dishes all over the place. Then maybe they won’t want to move in with you.

Everyone I meet online turns out to have exaggerated their physical assets in their profiles. How can I weed these people out?

If you pay close enough attention, you can usually tell who is full of crap. That being said, sometimes you just can’t tell until you meet them in person. Instead of trying to weed them out, set up your initial date so that it will be for a limited amount of time and you can make a quick exit if you’re not into it.

Missy, 35, from Georgia


I’m dating a Carolina girl, and her parents are coming up to New York to meet me. Any advice?

Don’t act afraid of her dad, even if he seems intimidating. Lose whatever shyness you have, because it’s all out on the table with Southerners (but don’t be offensive). And if there’s a grandma involved, dote on her.

Everyone I meet online turns out to have exaggerated many of their physical assets in their profiles. How can I weed these people out?

I don’t know why you’re so shocked — doesn’t everyone exaggerate online? How can you weed those people out? Go out with honest Southern girls, or start meeting people face-to-face.

Is dinner and a movie still a good first date, or is it passé?

It’s not a matter of whether or not it’s passé, it’s a matter of whether that’s what she wants to do on the date. Ask her.

Every few months, my girlfriend and I have a big fight and break up, then reconcile a few days later and act like nothing happened. Can a relationship this volatile last?

I don’t like fighting, and I don’t think it’s healthy for a relationship to go through that much turmoil. I’d do some soul-searching because all that fighting is not a sign of love. One of my rules of thumb is that once you break up, that’s it. No going back.

I just met a really cool girl, but I blew the first impression with an off-color joke. I realized I’d offended her as soon as I said it, but it was too late. If I see her again, how can I redeem myself?

You should look at why she got offended so easily. Is she overly sensitive? If so, don’t worry about it, she’s a waste of time. Then again, if she was right to be offended, bring it up to her next time you see her and apologize. Get it out in the open and clear the air.

Allison, 33, from North Carolina

My boyfriend spends all weekend watching sports on TV. How can I get him to come out and play with me?

Tell him you want to do something he likes to do outside. If he’s into fishing, go fishing with him. It worked for me, and it turns out I love to fish.

Everyone I meet online turns out to have exaggerated their physical assets in their profiles. How can I weed these people out?

Come up with a series of pointed questions that dig a little deeper. Ask how athletic they are, how they spend their weekends, etc. See if their answers match up to the kind of image they initially put out there.

Every few months, my girlfriend and I have a big fight and break up, then reconcile a few days later and act like nothing happened. Can a relationship this volatile last?

It can last if you really love each other. You need to walk away from the fight before it gets to the point where you break up. After a couple of days, when you’re back to acting like nothing ever happened, that’s when you need to talk about what the fight was about.

I’m dating a Carolina girl, and her parents are coming up to New York to meet me. Any advice?

Get a haircut and shave. Wear collared shirts. At least act a bit put together. Talking politics isn’t probably the best idea. And don’t be overly affectionate to your girlfriend — as in, don’t be all over her. But be really sweet to her, attentive and caring, so they feel like their little girl is being taken care of.

What’s the best way to pick up a Southern belle?

Resist the urge to drop names. I don’t want to know what fraternity you were in or what your daddy does for a living. Just buy me a drink and ask me questions about myself.

Eve, 31, from North Carolina

Is dinner and a movie still a good first date, or is it passé?

Dinner is good, but a movie? Boring. Go out for drinks afterward. Southern belles love to have a few drinks and talk. They turn into wild animals after a few.

The girl I’ve been dating for a month says she’s still not ready to have sex. I’m starting to think she’s not attracted to me. What should I do?

You may be waiting a while, since some of us still adhere to the strict rule of no sex until marriage — and you can be sure of this if she attends church every Sunday.

My friend is going through a hard time with her boyfriend. I’ve been advising her to ditch him, but I have ulterior motives — I want her for myself. Am I doing anything wrong?

I’m not sure any girl should seek advice from a guy. That’s what your girlfriends are for!
But if she’s stupid enough to listen to your advice, maybe the two of you belong together.

I’m dating a Carolina girl, and her parents are coming up to New York to meet me. Any advice?

Folks from the South aren’t used to walking around too much, so take cabs.

My boyfriend spends all weekend watching sports on TV. How can I get him to come out and play with me?

Take him to the Kentucky Derby, and don’t forget your hat — the bigger the better.
 

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by David Callicott.
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