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Dating Advice from . . . Ukulele Players

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Ben Lerman, 33
www.benlerman.net

What's the quickest way into a ukulele player's heart/pants?
I don't know if there is a quick way. Ukulele players are romantics. We like the chase.

What can ukulele playing teach us about sex and relationships?

promotion

At the risk of stating the obvious: size doesn't matter.

I haven't slept with anyone who wasn't an ex in over a year. How can I meet new people?
My guess is that you are meeting new people, just not sexy new people. This isn't like website hits, where the "unique visitors" statistic is important. Sexual page hits are usually better from familiar traffic. Just be patient.

What ukulele song can best be used to woo someone?
"Tiny Bubbles." Bonus sexiness if you do the Hawaiian part.

I'm in a long-distance relationship, and my partner suggested phone sex to help us keep things hot, but I feel so silly I can barely manage a hardon. How can I loosen up?
A little pornography might help. Maybe you could have a long-distance simulcast of the same dirty, dirty movie that will make you feel less silly about dirty, dirty conversation.

What's a great place to have sex that I've probably never thought of before?
It's an election year. Do it in a voting booth.

Sweet Soubrette, 29
http://www.sweetsoubrette.com

I love my girlfriend, but I'm embarrassed by her disinterest in world events. How can I bring this up without sounding like an elitist asshole?
Listen, I'll tell you what I told the girl who just wrote in to say she loves her boyfriend but is embarrassed because he's an elitist asshole: everyone you get involved with will embarrass you in their own special way. If you can get over that, you've passed an important test. If you can't, maybe it's not meant to be.

I haven't slept with anyone who wasn't an ex in over a year. How can I meet new people?
You clearly need to find a hobby that will get you involved in a new community your exes won't be interested in joining. Might I suggest learning to play the ukulele? Uke players are a friendly bunch, and if you get lucky, you'll have someone to play duets with. Win-win.

What ukulele song can best be used to woo someone?
Personally I'm partial to Bel Biv Devoe's "Poison". But really any cover from the early '90s will do.

What's an atypical roleplay scenario my partner and I could try?
"Bend-Over Boyfriend." Though I don't know, maybe that's typical now. Kids these days!

My girlfriend's sister just had a nasty breakup, and she's been staying with us for the past month. Having someone in such close proximity has put a crimp in our sex life. What should I do?
Having sex quietly has always been part of the human condition. A young anthropologist who shared the tiny igloo of an Utku family in northern Canada for two years wrote that she never heard even a hint of sex and an infant was born well into her stay! People in close quarters learn to adapt.

Jen Kwok, 25
http://www.myspace.com/somersaultwithme

I love my girlfriend, but I'm embarrassed by her disinterest in world events. How can I bring this up without sounding like an elitist asshole?
Send her articles related to her existing interests. For example, if she likes shopping, email her articles about sweatshop reform. Penetrate that ignorant mind like a virgin poon!

What's the sexiest song to play when attempting to woo someone with a ukulele?
"Sensual Seduction" by Snoop Dogg. This is a hot song, but if you mess it up, it's hilarious, and humor is sexy.

Can I use the sex toys from my previous relationship with my new partner, or must I buy new ones?
Okay, that is just plain nasty. Too much cross-pollination. You could potentially reuse stuff like blindfolds and handcuffs if they're washed, but it's still frowned upon. Would you want to use a toothbrush that belonged to someone's ex? I think not.

What's an atypical roleplay scenario my partner and I could try?
Get avant-garde and do some inanimate object roleplay. The secret life of the pencil and pencil sharpener. Sun and chloroplast. Sneaker and gum on sidewalk.

What allegedly fun place to have sex is overrated?
The shower. That's downright dangerous, especially if you and your partner are different heights. Unless you have those non-slip shower adhesives, handle bars, a bench, or one of those shower chairs for old people.

What's a great place to have sex that I've probably never thought of before?
A Peter, Paul and Mary reunion concert. They are delightful!

Steven Swartz, over 40
www.myspace.com/bedcom


What's the quickest way into a ukulele player's heart/pants?
Ask for lessons, of course.

What can ukulele playing teach us about sex and relationships?
People may find monogamy as limiting as having just four strings to play. But in both cases, with a little creativity, you can tap into a continual source of joy.

What song should I play while wooing someone with my ukulele?
Just about anything, really. The very fact that you're playing a ukulele shows that you're playful, offbeat, unafraid to be vulnerable and don't take yourself too seriously.

Can I use the sex toys from my previous relationship with my new partner, or must I buy new ones?
Get new ones, definitely. And for what it's worth, I once saw a guitarist play his instrument with a vibrator. Reuse, recycle.

I'm considering dating a conservative. What sort of repressed kinkiness should I expect?
Sneak into a public bathroom stall next to him and tap your foot a couple times. If he taps back, you've got a ready-made fantasy on your hands.  

Interviews by Kate Ray. Dating Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

 

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